We are approaching the anniversary of the death of our girls' bio mom next month. It is also the anniversary of their arrival in our home. Her birthday is also at the beginning of next month. There are lots of really big emotions connected to these days and they are already starting to surface.
Bella was in tears the other night just thinking about her Mom's upcoming birthday. We had been making plans for special family visits and discussing how everyone would observe/handle/survive those days. We also talked about expecting all three of them to be emotional throughout the coming weeks and trying to be patient with each other. It was a good opportunity to get things in the open and make sure the girls understood that it is normal for this to be a difficult time for them, and to let them know that we understand that too. Afterwards though Bella broke down in tears. I held her while she cried for a bit, then had her call and talk to her aunt for awhile (I think sometimes it is easier to grieve with someone who also knew your loved one).
March is going to be a rough month one way or another. What I didn't expect (but really should have - it is only logical) is how early in February we would start seeing the emotions rise. Here at home it has been mostly calm; just some snippiness, some tears, and a bit of withdrawing. Nothing too intense.
The girls had a visit this past weekend with their family though, and apparently things got rough down there. They were supposed to have a visit with their dad at the normal place (midway between here and his home), but he didn't show up. (This is a first, and we still don't know why yet.) So, the girls went ahead to their aunt's home and spent the weekend there. The next night I got a phone call from Bee at her wits end. She was upset and trying to be calm but Bella was lashing out with some pretty bad behavior. No one knew what to make of it, where it was coming from, or how to deal with it. It was very out of character and out of the blue. So Bee and I had a talk about Bella's big emotions and how much she was hurting inside. We talked about how she was already having a hard time with their Mom's birthday coming up and then having their dad no show for his visit probably hurt really bad and made everything worse. We talked about a few other things probably adding to her emotional state and that she was probably lashing out to try and make everyone else hurt as much as she was hurting. Bee seemed to understand better after that and I encouraged her to just love her through it even though it is hard and not fair. We hung up soon after that and I worried for the next couple days about what we would be dealing with when they came home!
They came home tired, quiet, and a bit withdrawn, but that only lasted for a little while. Soon they were back to my normal chatty girls and I was grateful but a bit at a loss. Bee filled me in the next evening when she came and found me sorting outgrown clothes in my little one's room. I was paid a very unexpected and humbling compliment. After she spoke to me on the phone she shared what I had said with her aunt and she said "Oh! That makes so much sense!" Bella said she decided to not make a big deal out of it, and was able to handle Bella much better afterward. (Sometimes just understanding where someone is coming from makes it so much easier to deal with them compassionately!) Bella also told me that when her aunt was having a hard time dealing with her own little girl Bella told her how when my little ones keep being naughty I will put them in my lap and just hold them and tell them I love them "and it works!" I was floored. I didn't realize I did that, and I didn't realize she was paying so much attention to my parenting. It was super humbling. What was even more humbling was when she told me her aunt tried it! To think that another mother may use something I do to help her in her parenting is very humbling.
Ripples...the things these girls learn here in our home are rippling outward and it is amazing.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Monday, February 9, 2015
Moving Forward
I got a call from the girls' caseworker the other day, letting me know they will be getting a new caseworker soon.
The girls' "Aunt" (bio Mom's BFF) is almost done with her homestudy and should be licensed within the next couple weeks. This means that they will be moving into a permanent home, so their case is being transferred to the "permanency" division of DCS, which means they get a new caseworker.
Ms CW also told me that she was unaware that the girls were wanting to stay with us until the end of the school year. She thought they would be moving to their Aunt's home as soon as she was licensed (this month). I do not know HOW she missed this. When I mentioned this to the girls they all three laughed and said the same thing - "How did she miss that!?" I have mentioned it to her multiple times, they have talked to her about it multiple times, and we have discussed it at CFTs multiple times! *sigh* I don't know. Maybe she just never wrote it down. Hopefully she has now "officially" put it in their file for the new caseworker.
As far as their permanency plan, I believe the case is moving toward TPR (termination of parental rights) for their dad, so that their aunt can officially adopt them. At least that is what I have been told. I don't know what this change will mean for us, other than a new person to work with.
When they will leave has become strange and somewhat complicated though.
Bella is the simple one and will be leaving within a week or two of school getting out. She wants to stay long enough to participate in a few last youth activities that are planned for the first week of June and spend some time with her friends before she leaves.
Bee is still working toward moving in with a local family she has become close to. Things are moving slowly in that direction though and I am not sure what may happen. She may stay with us a bit longer, but so many things are uncertain that at this point any thing could happen. The only thing that we know for sure is she has expressed her desire to stay here, in town. She is clear that while she loves her family she does not want to live with them. She has very wise and valid reasoning that led her to her decision (all on her own). I hope her new caseworker will respect her desires if at all possible.
Sunshine is also a bit of a wild card at the moment. She wants to go to her aunt, but she also wants to stay here where she is happy and has friends. She hasn't made a firm choice yet, but is leaning towards going with Bella. She has a job opportunity for the summer that would require her to stay here though and she quickly decided she wants to stay and work. SO, most likely (pending approval from her new CW) she will stay through the summer, then go to her aunt in the fall. Since her case plan is Independent Living, and separate from her sisters she will probably be able to make the decision on her own.
Things could change at any time, but this is where they stand at the moment. It is with a strange mix of emotions we are planning the coming year. The girls have been with us almost a year now, and it is strange to think about a time coming when they are gone. When I think about it my emotions are a total jumble. It has been a rough and joyful year.
The girls' "Aunt" (bio Mom's BFF) is almost done with her homestudy and should be licensed within the next couple weeks. This means that they will be moving into a permanent home, so their case is being transferred to the "permanency" division of DCS, which means they get a new caseworker.
Ms CW also told me that she was unaware that the girls were wanting to stay with us until the end of the school year. She thought they would be moving to their Aunt's home as soon as she was licensed (this month). I do not know HOW she missed this. When I mentioned this to the girls they all three laughed and said the same thing - "How did she miss that!?" I have mentioned it to her multiple times, they have talked to her about it multiple times, and we have discussed it at CFTs multiple times! *sigh* I don't know. Maybe she just never wrote it down. Hopefully she has now "officially" put it in their file for the new caseworker.
As far as their permanency plan, I believe the case is moving toward TPR (termination of parental rights) for their dad, so that their aunt can officially adopt them. At least that is what I have been told. I don't know what this change will mean for us, other than a new person to work with.
When they will leave has become strange and somewhat complicated though.
Bella is the simple one and will be leaving within a week or two of school getting out. She wants to stay long enough to participate in a few last youth activities that are planned for the first week of June and spend some time with her friends before she leaves.
Bee is still working toward moving in with a local family she has become close to. Things are moving slowly in that direction though and I am not sure what may happen. She may stay with us a bit longer, but so many things are uncertain that at this point any thing could happen. The only thing that we know for sure is she has expressed her desire to stay here, in town. She is clear that while she loves her family she does not want to live with them. She has very wise and valid reasoning that led her to her decision (all on her own). I hope her new caseworker will respect her desires if at all possible.
Sunshine is also a bit of a wild card at the moment. She wants to go to her aunt, but she also wants to stay here where she is happy and has friends. She hasn't made a firm choice yet, but is leaning towards going with Bella. She has a job opportunity for the summer that would require her to stay here though and she quickly decided she wants to stay and work. SO, most likely (pending approval from her new CW) she will stay through the summer, then go to her aunt in the fall. Since her case plan is Independent Living, and separate from her sisters she will probably be able to make the decision on her own.
Things could change at any time, but this is where they stand at the moment. It is with a strange mix of emotions we are planning the coming year. The girls have been with us almost a year now, and it is strange to think about a time coming when they are gone. When I think about it my emotions are a total jumble. It has been a rough and joyful year.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Where did the last four months go?
So, I have been avoiding blogging. Why? Too many big emotions to put out there I guess. So, we will do a (brief? haha, maybe some parts) recap.
To pick up where we left off:
After a few weeks of waiting on the court we got the order we needed for Bella's surgery (and it was the GAL, aka the girls' attorney, Ms. CW was talking to and had to go through to get the court order, not "AL" I apparently misheard, whoops.) We scheduled and got her in right away and all went well. One note about the recovery room that totally blindsided me and made for an emotional couple hours - coming out of the anesthesia, groggy and confused, Bella had NO memory of her mother's death or even living with us! She recognized me, even called me by name, but had no other memory of her time with us. She kept asking for her mom and saying "Why isn't she here? Why wouldn't she be here? Where is she?" I was in tears, and trying very hard to hide it. All I could do was reassure her that her mom would be there if she could, hold her hand, stroke her hair, and avoid her other questions. Telling her more would have just been cruel as her memory was transient and we would have had to keep retelling her. She must have asked where she was and why she hurt twenty times. It took awhile, but she gradually came out of the fogginess and had no memory of any of it later (She and her sisters asked if she was really funny under anesthesia like all the viral videos out there. I told them NO, it most certainly was not funny at all. I explained why and she all she said was "wow. I don't remember any of that." Probably a good thing.) Just one more unexpected reality of raising someone else's child.
Around this same time Bee decided she didn't like our chore system. Rather than come and talk to me she decided to handle it by taking a picture of our living room in full on crazy mess mode (doesn't take more than a couple hours to get that way with nine people living here!) and send it to her CPS caseworker in a text ranting on what a mess our house is and the chores aren't fair, etc. So Ms. CW calls me to "discuss" our chore system. She told me about the text (but left out the photo part - that comes in later). I was angry. I felt betrayed, scared, hurt, judged, and a lot of other unpleasant emotions. SO Ms. CW and I had a long conversation about chores and what could/should be expected of teenagers. Her "suggestion" was to take my little ones off the same chores as the older girls (all the kids were on a rotation of the same chores - bathroom, front room, kitchen, laundry, dishes), and to make separate age-appropriate chore lists for them. Apparently one of Bee's complaints was having to do chores after the smaller kids and me not making them do the job as well as the older girls. Ms. CW said she spoke to Bee about the fact that you cannot expect a 9 or 10yr old to do the same quality of work as a teenager. I was grateful for that, but expressed my feelings that this should have been a conversation Bee had with ME first. So I made the new chore charts. Then emailed her a copy of the chore chart to make sure she knew/approved of what I was asking of the girls. (I was NOT happy to have to get approval of my chore system!) Then, when the girls got home I presented the new chore list. They were not happy. You see, when you divide up chores based on age-appropriateness, all the hard chores go to the older kids. So while the younger kids got chores like cleaning the bathroom and doing the laundry, the teenagers got dishes, cleaning the kitchen, and picking up the living room. The ones they hated. (NOT HARD CHORES ANY OF THEM btw, especially compared to what the girls have told me they were required to do at home and other foster homes, but somehow these chores are still asking just too much. Teenagers.) THEN Bee tries to negotiate. "How about instead of these chores everyone just picks up after themselves. We can all wash our own dishes. Then it's all fair." My response: "Sounds good in theory, but in practice probably wouldn't work so well since no one actually does that around here and I would end up taking up all the slack and that is NOT fair. However, I still might have been willing to try it just to see, if you had come to me first. Instead you went behind my back and tried to manipulate the situation and me by complaining to Ms. CW. You thought she was going to make me take away your chores or make them easier. It backfired. This is her idea, she approved these chores, and now you are stuck with them." That got me a glare and some MAJOR attitude. So I told her that if she doesn't like my home she can leave. That is an option that is always open. She can call up Ms. CW and say she doesn't want to be here and they will find her a new foster home. Basically I gave her a variation on what my mother told me when I was a sassy teenager: It's my home, my rules. If you don't like it get a job and get your own home, otherwise quit complaining and be grateful for what you've got!
After that things seemed to calm a bit, although attitude was at an all time high. THEN I get a short-notice home visit from my caseworker. Ms. CW sent her to "check on things" because the girls (Bee specifically) had been complaining to their father at a visit about how terrible things were here. I was not told exactly what was said, but it was bad enough that bio dad was concerned and spoke to the visit supervisor (who had overheard the conversation of course and was also concerned), who called Ms. CW to report their concerns. So she called my agency caseworker and requested a drop-in visit. After a private conversation and a few pointed questions (that I was very confused by) my awesome CW (lets call her Mac) realized we were dealing with a case of teenage drama rama rather than an actual placement problem. She told me why she was there and the general concerns (this is when I learned of the photo Bee had sent with her text). I. was. livid. If any of these people involved had been the over cautious trigger happy type rather than level-headed types I could easily have had an investigation into my home (nothing would have come of it, but it is a very unpleasant process that requires removing all foster children - if not all children - from the home for the duration of the investigation). For no reason other than a fifteen year old girl doesn't like to do dishes and thinks the money CPS sends for school supplies should be hers to spend however she likes. All boiled down, that is what it came to. Thankfully, Mac gave me some good advice, and took care of filling Ms. CW in on the real situation.
So I took Mac's advice and set the girls down for a frank discussion. Bella was only minimally involved as she was still recovering from surgery so basically slept through most of it. We discussed Mac's visit and its purpose. I explained how this could have hurt my family. I explained what should have happened instead (them coming and speaking to me rather than complaining to their cw and family and exaggerating things to get sympathy). Again following Mac's advice I asked them if in all honesty they wanted to live at our house and made it a matter of choice completely up to them. Sunshine was clear and upfront and said No, she would rather be living with her aunt. I told her that is understandable, but not an option at the moment. So she said if she can't be there she would rather just stay here. Bee would not give me a straight answer. I explained to her again how what she had done had put my family at risk and how I would not put us in that position again. She had to make a commitment one way or another. It was her choice. Stay or go.
"It's not that simple"
"Yes. It is. You either want to stay here or you don't"
"You don't understand how bad other places are!"
"Yes, I do. The question is still whether you would rather stay here, and accept our home how it is, or go somewhere else. I am not changing our lives and how we do things just because you don't like it."
Silence.
More Silence.
"They will probably send me to a group home and those places are really bad!"
"Then maybe you need to consider that maybe being here isn't so bad."
Glare. Silence.
Silence, holding eye contact. (I don't find teenage glaring intimidating, it doesn't make me the least bit uncomfortable.)
Silence. She avoids eye contact.
"Are you going to accept things as they are, or should I call Ms. CW to find you a new placement? It is your choice Bee, no one is going to make you stay here if you hate it that much."
Silence and glaring at the floor.
"You have to give me an answer. You can't just ignore this. It isn't going away."
More silence and floor glaring.
"Okay. Well, I guess that is your answer then. If you hate it that much and can't accept living here as it is then you don't have to stay. I will call Ms. CW tomorrow and let her know."
Silence. Then she jumps up and stomps to her room and slams the door. Sunshine looked completely shellshocked. Later I talked to Bella, and she was in agreement with Sunshine, if she couldn't go home, she would rather stay.
I prayed a lot that night, and cried a lot the next morning. I felt like a failure. I hated what was happening and wanted to just get it over with, but I felt I should put off the phone call. I felt the Lord wanted me to give Bee time to really think about her choices. So I waited until after school and when she came home I went into her room where she was lying on her bed. I told her I hadn't called yet, and I wanted to know if she still wanted to leave. If so, I would call right then. She quickly rolled over and said "No!" She had been crying and told me she had spent all day in the counselors office at school. He had helped her work through her emotions and she wanted to stay. We talked a bit about expectations and choices. I was both relieved and worried.
Our relationship has been strained since then. There are good days and bad, but for the most part I think things are good. I still worry though. False accusations are a foster parents worst nightmare. I know she isn't completely happy here. She went and found herself a possible new home. It's not a bad thing. In fact it is a very good thing. They are friends of ours from church and a wonderful family. We care about her a lot, but we know we aren't her forever home. It's not final yet, but there is a good possibility she will go to live with them at the end of the school year when Sunshine and Bella go to live with their "aunt".
Which brings us to the next big thing; they (CPS) found a close family friend of the girls' Mom who is getting licensed for foster care so she can take the girls! Bella is very excited, but wants to finish the school year with her friends here. Sunshine wants to go, and will probably go, but would also like to do her Senior year of high school here, so she hasn't made a firm decision yet. I would love for her to stay. We have gotten close over the past few months and I will miss her like crazy when she leaves whether in May or for college next year. Bio dad isn't even really trying to get them back anymore. He still has visits and is staying involved, but he knows he can't get them so he is supporting them going to live with this "aunt". It is a very positive thing for the girls and their family.
As for the last part of the year;
October was emotional, but ended well with a fun Halloween. I took all seven kids trick-or-treating and they had a blast! (although our candy haul was meager by the girls' standards! apparently city trick-or-treating yields mountains of sugar. lol)
November brought birthdays (including the brother/uncle we lost in July - an emotional week), pumpkin (Sunshine and I have declared pumpkin an official season. We boiled down our jack-o-lanterns and have made many a pumkin recipe since!), and family get-togethers, as well as finally getting family visits approved for the girls! They started having visits in their hometown with their aunts and uncles which means a LOT of traveling for our girls. Thankfully they set up transport for them because there is no way we could do it every other weekend! Our girls got three Thanksgiving dinners - one with Hubby's family the weekend before, one with my family the day of, and one with their family the weekend after! They thought that was amazing and awesome.
December went by way too fast! Christmas activities abounded and we had lots of good family times and made good memories. The girls' had a lot more "first" experiences with our family. The girls chose to spend Christmas with us rather than travel to spend it with their family, which was surprising. It was wonderful having them with us, it would have been strange not to I think. The kids were all more than happy with their gifts, especially as we had a wonderful anonymous Christmas Angel bring gifts of clothing and shoes and coats to all our kids! I have never seen kids so excited for clothes! lol It was a wonderful blessing! The girls' had a fun four day visit with their family after Christmas and came home just in time for New Year's.
January has been hectic. I can't believe it is almost over! New Year's was a low key night at home with just me and the little kids. The teenagers all went out for the night to approved youth activities, and me and the littles stayed home and watched movies and played games. Then back to school! Now we are having a few health concerns for Sunshine that we hope to find answers to quickly. I can't believe we are almost to February. It has been a whirlwind year!
We are quickly creeping up on our one year anniversary with our girls! We are none of us looking forward to March though as it will bring the one year anniversary of their Mother's death as well. I am sure things will get stormy around then. We are working to arrange a special visit with family for that time period.
This post has gotten too long, even though I have left out a lot! I will have to keep up better. No more avoiding the big feelings!
To pick up where we left off:
After a few weeks of waiting on the court we got the order we needed for Bella's surgery (and it was the GAL, aka the girls' attorney, Ms. CW was talking to and had to go through to get the court order, not "AL" I apparently misheard, whoops.) We scheduled and got her in right away and all went well. One note about the recovery room that totally blindsided me and made for an emotional couple hours - coming out of the anesthesia, groggy and confused, Bella had NO memory of her mother's death or even living with us! She recognized me, even called me by name, but had no other memory of her time with us. She kept asking for her mom and saying "Why isn't she here? Why wouldn't she be here? Where is she?" I was in tears, and trying very hard to hide it. All I could do was reassure her that her mom would be there if she could, hold her hand, stroke her hair, and avoid her other questions. Telling her more would have just been cruel as her memory was transient and we would have had to keep retelling her. She must have asked where she was and why she hurt twenty times. It took awhile, but she gradually came out of the fogginess and had no memory of any of it later (She and her sisters asked if she was really funny under anesthesia like all the viral videos out there. I told them NO, it most certainly was not funny at all. I explained why and she all she said was "wow. I don't remember any of that." Probably a good thing.) Just one more unexpected reality of raising someone else's child.
Around this same time Bee decided she didn't like our chore system. Rather than come and talk to me she decided to handle it by taking a picture of our living room in full on crazy mess mode (doesn't take more than a couple hours to get that way with nine people living here!) and send it to her CPS caseworker in a text ranting on what a mess our house is and the chores aren't fair, etc. So Ms. CW calls me to "discuss" our chore system. She told me about the text (but left out the photo part - that comes in later). I was angry. I felt betrayed, scared, hurt, judged, and a lot of other unpleasant emotions. SO Ms. CW and I had a long conversation about chores and what could/should be expected of teenagers. Her "suggestion" was to take my little ones off the same chores as the older girls (all the kids were on a rotation of the same chores - bathroom, front room, kitchen, laundry, dishes), and to make separate age-appropriate chore lists for them. Apparently one of Bee's complaints was having to do chores after the smaller kids and me not making them do the job as well as the older girls. Ms. CW said she spoke to Bee about the fact that you cannot expect a 9 or 10yr old to do the same quality of work as a teenager. I was grateful for that, but expressed my feelings that this should have been a conversation Bee had with ME first. So I made the new chore charts. Then emailed her a copy of the chore chart to make sure she knew/approved of what I was asking of the girls. (I was NOT happy to have to get approval of my chore system!) Then, when the girls got home I presented the new chore list. They were not happy. You see, when you divide up chores based on age-appropriateness, all the hard chores go to the older kids. So while the younger kids got chores like cleaning the bathroom and doing the laundry, the teenagers got dishes, cleaning the kitchen, and picking up the living room. The ones they hated. (NOT HARD CHORES ANY OF THEM btw, especially compared to what the girls have told me they were required to do at home and other foster homes, but somehow these chores are still asking just too much. Teenagers.) THEN Bee tries to negotiate. "How about instead of these chores everyone just picks up after themselves. We can all wash our own dishes. Then it's all fair." My response: "Sounds good in theory, but in practice probably wouldn't work so well since no one actually does that around here and I would end up taking up all the slack and that is NOT fair. However, I still might have been willing to try it just to see, if you had come to me first. Instead you went behind my back and tried to manipulate the situation and me by complaining to Ms. CW. You thought she was going to make me take away your chores or make them easier. It backfired. This is her idea, she approved these chores, and now you are stuck with them." That got me a glare and some MAJOR attitude. So I told her that if she doesn't like my home she can leave. That is an option that is always open. She can call up Ms. CW and say she doesn't want to be here and they will find her a new foster home. Basically I gave her a variation on what my mother told me when I was a sassy teenager: It's my home, my rules. If you don't like it get a job and get your own home, otherwise quit complaining and be grateful for what you've got!
After that things seemed to calm a bit, although attitude was at an all time high. THEN I get a short-notice home visit from my caseworker. Ms. CW sent her to "check on things" because the girls (Bee specifically) had been complaining to their father at a visit about how terrible things were here. I was not told exactly what was said, but it was bad enough that bio dad was concerned and spoke to the visit supervisor (who had overheard the conversation of course and was also concerned), who called Ms. CW to report their concerns. So she called my agency caseworker and requested a drop-in visit. After a private conversation and a few pointed questions (that I was very confused by) my awesome CW (lets call her Mac) realized we were dealing with a case of teenage drama rama rather than an actual placement problem. She told me why she was there and the general concerns (this is when I learned of the photo Bee had sent with her text). I. was. livid. If any of these people involved had been the over cautious trigger happy type rather than level-headed types I could easily have had an investigation into my home (nothing would have come of it, but it is a very unpleasant process that requires removing all foster children - if not all children - from the home for the duration of the investigation). For no reason other than a fifteen year old girl doesn't like to do dishes and thinks the money CPS sends for school supplies should be hers to spend however she likes. All boiled down, that is what it came to. Thankfully, Mac gave me some good advice, and took care of filling Ms. CW in on the real situation.
So I took Mac's advice and set the girls down for a frank discussion. Bella was only minimally involved as she was still recovering from surgery so basically slept through most of it. We discussed Mac's visit and its purpose. I explained how this could have hurt my family. I explained what should have happened instead (them coming and speaking to me rather than complaining to their cw and family and exaggerating things to get sympathy). Again following Mac's advice I asked them if in all honesty they wanted to live at our house and made it a matter of choice completely up to them. Sunshine was clear and upfront and said No, she would rather be living with her aunt. I told her that is understandable, but not an option at the moment. So she said if she can't be there she would rather just stay here. Bee would not give me a straight answer. I explained to her again how what she had done had put my family at risk and how I would not put us in that position again. She had to make a commitment one way or another. It was her choice. Stay or go.
"It's not that simple"
"Yes. It is. You either want to stay here or you don't"
"You don't understand how bad other places are!"
"Yes, I do. The question is still whether you would rather stay here, and accept our home how it is, or go somewhere else. I am not changing our lives and how we do things just because you don't like it."
Silence.
More Silence.
"They will probably send me to a group home and those places are really bad!"
"Then maybe you need to consider that maybe being here isn't so bad."
Glare. Silence.
Silence, holding eye contact. (I don't find teenage glaring intimidating, it doesn't make me the least bit uncomfortable.)
Silence. She avoids eye contact.
"Are you going to accept things as they are, or should I call Ms. CW to find you a new placement? It is your choice Bee, no one is going to make you stay here if you hate it that much."
Silence and glaring at the floor.
"You have to give me an answer. You can't just ignore this. It isn't going away."
More silence and floor glaring.
"Okay. Well, I guess that is your answer then. If you hate it that much and can't accept living here as it is then you don't have to stay. I will call Ms. CW tomorrow and let her know."
Silence. Then she jumps up and stomps to her room and slams the door. Sunshine looked completely shellshocked. Later I talked to Bella, and she was in agreement with Sunshine, if she couldn't go home, she would rather stay.
I prayed a lot that night, and cried a lot the next morning. I felt like a failure. I hated what was happening and wanted to just get it over with, but I felt I should put off the phone call. I felt the Lord wanted me to give Bee time to really think about her choices. So I waited until after school and when she came home I went into her room where she was lying on her bed. I told her I hadn't called yet, and I wanted to know if she still wanted to leave. If so, I would call right then. She quickly rolled over and said "No!" She had been crying and told me she had spent all day in the counselors office at school. He had helped her work through her emotions and she wanted to stay. We talked a bit about expectations and choices. I was both relieved and worried.
Our relationship has been strained since then. There are good days and bad, but for the most part I think things are good. I still worry though. False accusations are a foster parents worst nightmare. I know she isn't completely happy here. She went and found herself a possible new home. It's not a bad thing. In fact it is a very good thing. They are friends of ours from church and a wonderful family. We care about her a lot, but we know we aren't her forever home. It's not final yet, but there is a good possibility she will go to live with them at the end of the school year when Sunshine and Bella go to live with their "aunt".
Which brings us to the next big thing; they (CPS) found a close family friend of the girls' Mom who is getting licensed for foster care so she can take the girls! Bella is very excited, but wants to finish the school year with her friends here. Sunshine wants to go, and will probably go, but would also like to do her Senior year of high school here, so she hasn't made a firm decision yet. I would love for her to stay. We have gotten close over the past few months and I will miss her like crazy when she leaves whether in May or for college next year. Bio dad isn't even really trying to get them back anymore. He still has visits and is staying involved, but he knows he can't get them so he is supporting them going to live with this "aunt". It is a very positive thing for the girls and their family.
As for the last part of the year;
October was emotional, but ended well with a fun Halloween. I took all seven kids trick-or-treating and they had a blast! (although our candy haul was meager by the girls' standards! apparently city trick-or-treating yields mountains of sugar. lol)
November brought birthdays (including the brother/uncle we lost in July - an emotional week), pumpkin (Sunshine and I have declared pumpkin an official season. We boiled down our jack-o-lanterns and have made many a pumkin recipe since!), and family get-togethers, as well as finally getting family visits approved for the girls! They started having visits in their hometown with their aunts and uncles which means a LOT of traveling for our girls. Thankfully they set up transport for them because there is no way we could do it every other weekend! Our girls got three Thanksgiving dinners - one with Hubby's family the weekend before, one with my family the day of, and one with their family the weekend after! They thought that was amazing and awesome.
December went by way too fast! Christmas activities abounded and we had lots of good family times and made good memories. The girls' had a lot more "first" experiences with our family. The girls chose to spend Christmas with us rather than travel to spend it with their family, which was surprising. It was wonderful having them with us, it would have been strange not to I think. The kids were all more than happy with their gifts, especially as we had a wonderful anonymous Christmas Angel bring gifts of clothing and shoes and coats to all our kids! I have never seen kids so excited for clothes! lol It was a wonderful blessing! The girls' had a fun four day visit with their family after Christmas and came home just in time for New Year's.
January has been hectic. I can't believe it is almost over! New Year's was a low key night at home with just me and the little kids. The teenagers all went out for the night to approved youth activities, and me and the littles stayed home and watched movies and played games. Then back to school! Now we are having a few health concerns for Sunshine that we hope to find answers to quickly. I can't believe we are almost to February. It has been a whirlwind year!
We are quickly creeping up on our one year anniversary with our girls! We are none of us looking forward to March though as it will bring the one year anniversary of their Mother's death as well. I am sure things will get stormy around then. We are working to arrange a special visit with family for that time period.
This post has gotten too long, even though I have left out a lot! I will have to keep up better. No more avoiding the big feelings!
Monday, September 29, 2014
Upcoming tonsilectomy!
Bella's ENT appointment last Monday went well.
The Dr. took one look at her tonsils and told us they definitely need to come out, and sooner rather than later. He said they are huge (the same thing her pediatrician and the PA in their office said when they saw them), and that it is obvious from their appearance that they have been fighting infection for years.
They should have come out a long time ago.
Bella told us she has been to a few doctors about her sore throats, but they always told her they needed a "history" of the ongoing problem (meaning they have to have seen her in their office for the problem multiple times within 6 months).
Yeah, that isn't really feasible when you are bouncing back and forth in and out of foster care and from placement to placement.
I don't know what is wrong with those other doctors, as the ENT says he can see just from looking at them that this has been and on going problem. The doctor even expressed concern on NOT taking them out right away. He said the tonsils are so bad that there is a substantial risk of an abcess forming, a condition that could be life threatening.
So we said "Let's do it! How soon can we schedule the surgery?" Bella was so excited she was bouncing in her chair (an end to pain and feeling terrible!). The doctor said he could get her in within a week or two (Yay!), but did we have the paperwork that says I can approve the procedure? Well, of course I have the Notice to Provider form! (This is the paper that I have to give to every medical professional the girls see, as well as the schools that says I am their foster parent and have the authority to sign paperwork and make basic medical/educational decisions) What? That isn't the form we need?
Turns out we have to have an actual court order before we can even schedule the operation.
So I call their caseworker. She says she will start the paperwork.
I call again a few days later to check on it (this is the only way to make sure things don't sit on someone's desk for extended periods of time...CPS wheels turn slow). She tells me she has filled out the proper forms and submitted everything to the AL. Now it is up to the AL to submit the paperwork to the court.
I do not have contact info for the AL. I do not even know the AL's name. I do not even know what the "AL" is! I am assuming she meant GAL or Guardian ad Litem (This is a person, often an attorney, who is appointed by the court to represent the interests of foster child/children in a particular court case. They are supposed to meet with the kids and get to know their needs and all particulars of the case so that they can best represent and advocate for the children's best interests. They have a huge influence in court. I don't even know if the girls have a GAL.)
Ms. CW told me that as soon as the paperwork went through and the court order was given, the ENT's office would be contacted, and they would in turn contact me.
We are still waiting to hear anything. I have been waiting for Monday so I can call Ms. CW again and hopefully get her to call the AL and find out where the process is at. I will not be surprised if I am told no one knows anything and we just have to wait.
CPS stinks.
The Dr. took one look at her tonsils and told us they definitely need to come out, and sooner rather than later. He said they are huge (the same thing her pediatrician and the PA in their office said when they saw them), and that it is obvious from their appearance that they have been fighting infection for years.
They should have come out a long time ago.
Bella told us she has been to a few doctors about her sore throats, but they always told her they needed a "history" of the ongoing problem (meaning they have to have seen her in their office for the problem multiple times within 6 months).
Yeah, that isn't really feasible when you are bouncing back and forth in and out of foster care and from placement to placement.
I don't know what is wrong with those other doctors, as the ENT says he can see just from looking at them that this has been and on going problem. The doctor even expressed concern on NOT taking them out right away. He said the tonsils are so bad that there is a substantial risk of an abcess forming, a condition that could be life threatening.
So we said "Let's do it! How soon can we schedule the surgery?" Bella was so excited she was bouncing in her chair (an end to pain and feeling terrible!). The doctor said he could get her in within a week or two (Yay!), but did we have the paperwork that says I can approve the procedure? Well, of course I have the Notice to Provider form! (This is the paper that I have to give to every medical professional the girls see, as well as the schools that says I am their foster parent and have the authority to sign paperwork and make basic medical/educational decisions) What? That isn't the form we need?
Turns out we have to have an actual court order before we can even schedule the operation.
So I call their caseworker. She says she will start the paperwork.
I call again a few days later to check on it (this is the only way to make sure things don't sit on someone's desk for extended periods of time...CPS wheels turn slow). She tells me she has filled out the proper forms and submitted everything to the AL. Now it is up to the AL to submit the paperwork to the court.
I do not have contact info for the AL. I do not even know the AL's name. I do not even know what the "AL" is! I am assuming she meant GAL or Guardian ad Litem (This is a person, often an attorney, who is appointed by the court to represent the interests of foster child/children in a particular court case. They are supposed to meet with the kids and get to know their needs and all particulars of the case so that they can best represent and advocate for the children's best interests. They have a huge influence in court. I don't even know if the girls have a GAL.)
Ms. CW told me that as soon as the paperwork went through and the court order was given, the ENT's office would be contacted, and they would in turn contact me.
We are still waiting to hear anything. I have been waiting for Monday so I can call Ms. CW again and hopefully get her to call the AL and find out where the process is at. I will not be surprised if I am told no one knows anything and we just have to wait.
CPS stinks.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
The days march on...
The last couple weeks have been busy with Sunshine and Bee's birthdays just one week apart (we had two very fun, very different parties), soccer practices and games, two family visits (one with bio aunts/uncles/cousins, one with bio dad), miscellaneous appointments, parent/teacher conferences, and an ER visit.
Sunshine woke up with severe back pain Saturday and the ER was our only option. Thankfully they were able to help her without a lot of hassle and we were back home and she was pain free within a few hours. I hate waiting around at the ER, it always stresses me out.
I didn't even get to all the kids' conferences in. I have SIX kids in school and FOUR of them have multiple teachers, and all three schools held their conferences on the same day. It was an impossible task to say the least, but I did my best. Everyone seems to be doing well in school. No one has straight A's by any means, but no one is failing! Honestly, I would like to see C's brought up, but I can be satisfied with a C if they are working as hard as they can.
We still have more appointments to come this next week: ENT for Bella to address ongoing throat/tonsil issues. Sports physical for Bee. Counseling sessions for all three teens. Youth leader meetings for me (I was recently asked to serve as a youth leader for the young women in our church). With a family this large the appointments never end (by the middle of the week they all seem to multiply as well). Mixed in with the appointments is also our last week of Soccer practices and games.
Soccer is almost over! Saturday will be the final tournament games and closing ceremonies! I have to admit I will miss it. Coaching the two little ones' team has actually been pretty fun. It is a joy watching the 3-5 year olds chase the ball around their tiny little field, having a blast! I have also loved cheering on our two older soccer players this year, it has been a fun season all around!
September is almost over, and October has snuck up on us! We are getting geared up for Halloween already (two costumes checked off and put away! Only five more to go...), and I have already started my Christmas shopping in hopes of getting most of it done before the holiday crunch (it also helps the budget to spread out the cost over a few months). I am actually feeling on top of things (holiday related) right now!!
Sunshine woke up with severe back pain Saturday and the ER was our only option. Thankfully they were able to help her without a lot of hassle and we were back home and she was pain free within a few hours. I hate waiting around at the ER, it always stresses me out.
I didn't even get to all the kids' conferences in. I have SIX kids in school and FOUR of them have multiple teachers, and all three schools held their conferences on the same day. It was an impossible task to say the least, but I did my best. Everyone seems to be doing well in school. No one has straight A's by any means, but no one is failing! Honestly, I would like to see C's brought up, but I can be satisfied with a C if they are working as hard as they can.
We still have more appointments to come this next week: ENT for Bella to address ongoing throat/tonsil issues. Sports physical for Bee. Counseling sessions for all three teens. Youth leader meetings for me (I was recently asked to serve as a youth leader for the young women in our church). With a family this large the appointments never end (by the middle of the week they all seem to multiply as well). Mixed in with the appointments is also our last week of Soccer practices and games.
Soccer is almost over! Saturday will be the final tournament games and closing ceremonies! I have to admit I will miss it. Coaching the two little ones' team has actually been pretty fun. It is a joy watching the 3-5 year olds chase the ball around their tiny little field, having a blast! I have also loved cheering on our two older soccer players this year, it has been a fun season all around!
September is almost over, and October has snuck up on us! We are getting geared up for Halloween already (two costumes checked off and put away! Only five more to go...), and I have already started my Christmas shopping in hopes of getting most of it done before the holiday crunch (it also helps the budget to spread out the cost over a few months). I am actually feeling on top of things (holiday related) right now!!
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Birthdays in Foster care
We have one birthday down this month and one to go. So, I am going to take a minute and talk about birthdays for foster kids.
Because birthdays are tricky in foster care.
You never know what is going to happen.
That kid that seems so excited to celebrate may suddenly beg to cancel their party when the grief of spending it away from their birth family hits them. A previously cheerful child may become withdrawn and depressed as a birthday approaches. Your timid and shy child may blossom and glow under the attention and recognition they never before recieved, or they may run and hide and become angry that you are the one who is giving them what they always wanted from their birth parents. There can be laughter, but there will usually also be tears. A birthday is a day of celebration, but it can also be a reminder of loss. I am not saying birthdays shouldn't be celebrated in foster care. They most certainly should be celebrated. It is something that should be approached with sensitivity, compassion, and understanding though.
When planning a party for a foster child, you should always involve the child. Find out what their expectations are and discuss realistically what you can or are willing to provide (some kids will ask for the moon, but settle for ice cream if you explain your budget limitations - other kids will be surprised and thrilled they get their very own party/cake/gifts). Include them in your family's birthday traditions, and ask them if they have any birthday traditions they would like to observe. Be considerate of your child's comfort level; If they get overwhelmed by crowds, keep the party small. If they are nervous around unfamiliar people, only invite family and close friends whom they know well. If they are easily overstimulated, keep decorations, invites, and number of gifts minimal. Plan around your child, and remember this is about them, not showing the world what a great parent you are by throwing an amazing shindig. (honestly this is something I have to remind myself with all my kids' parties. No one is judging! ok...some people are, but why do we care?) If a party isn't in the cards there are many other ways to acknowledge a birthday and make your child feel special; make a special birthday meal (any meal will do! Birthday breakfasts are a huge tradition for many families, but a one-on-one lunch will make any kid feel special and a kid-picked dinner is always a hit.), go on a special outing as a family or as a "date" with just the birthday child, make the child king/queen for the day, etc, etc.
It doesn't really matter what you do, as long as you make your foster child feel special and loved and make sure they know their existence is a reason to celebrate! Respect any feelings of sadness or loss, but encourage (not force) them to celebrate their special day in whatever way is comfortable for them.
Multiple times I have seen a birthday celebration be a turning point or huge leap forward in my relationships with my foster children. This is a chance to show them you care! It doesn't take a lot of money, just some time and maybe a little sacrifice. It is worth whatever you put into it 100x over.
Because birthdays are tricky in foster care.
You never know what is going to happen.
That kid that seems so excited to celebrate may suddenly beg to cancel their party when the grief of spending it away from their birth family hits them. A previously cheerful child may become withdrawn and depressed as a birthday approaches. Your timid and shy child may blossom and glow under the attention and recognition they never before recieved, or they may run and hide and become angry that you are the one who is giving them what they always wanted from their birth parents. There can be laughter, but there will usually also be tears. A birthday is a day of celebration, but it can also be a reminder of loss. I am not saying birthdays shouldn't be celebrated in foster care. They most certainly should be celebrated. It is something that should be approached with sensitivity, compassion, and understanding though.
When planning a party for a foster child, you should always involve the child. Find out what their expectations are and discuss realistically what you can or are willing to provide (some kids will ask for the moon, but settle for ice cream if you explain your budget limitations - other kids will be surprised and thrilled they get their very own party/cake/gifts). Include them in your family's birthday traditions, and ask them if they have any birthday traditions they would like to observe. Be considerate of your child's comfort level; If they get overwhelmed by crowds, keep the party small. If they are nervous around unfamiliar people, only invite family and close friends whom they know well. If they are easily overstimulated, keep decorations, invites, and number of gifts minimal. Plan around your child, and remember this is about them, not showing the world what a great parent you are by throwing an amazing shindig. (honestly this is something I have to remind myself with all my kids' parties. No one is judging! ok...some people are, but why do we care?) If a party isn't in the cards there are many other ways to acknowledge a birthday and make your child feel special; make a special birthday meal (any meal will do! Birthday breakfasts are a huge tradition for many families, but a one-on-one lunch will make any kid feel special and a kid-picked dinner is always a hit.), go on a special outing as a family or as a "date" with just the birthday child, make the child king/queen for the day, etc, etc.
It doesn't really matter what you do, as long as you make your foster child feel special and loved and make sure they know their existence is a reason to celebrate! Respect any feelings of sadness or loss, but encourage (not force) them to celebrate their special day in whatever way is comfortable for them.
Multiple times I have seen a birthday celebration be a turning point or huge leap forward in my relationships with my foster children. This is a chance to show them you care! It doesn't take a lot of money, just some time and maybe a little sacrifice. It is worth whatever you put into it 100x over.
Friday, September 5, 2014
It's Life.
So we have "worked out" the missing stipend check issue. Ha. What that really means is that I jumped through their hoops. I got a form signed and notarized saying I never got my check and that I want a new one, and mailed it off. Now we wait 5-10 business days (hopefully - CPS is not known for being prompt or caring about their own timelines) for them to issue a new one. Which means it will probably get here right around the same time as this months check (or shortly after). Crazy ridiculous. It is amazing how bad the state treats foster parents. I get that not all foster homes are good. There are lots of bad ones. Is that really a good reason to just assume we are ALL bad and should be treated badly though? Even the girls' caseworker agreed we were treated harshly. The payment people were just all so RUDE. Whatever though. We can't change it and I have to get past it. The only other option is to just quit (which honestly, I was very tempted to do this past week). Quitting would throw these three girls back into the broken system though, which would most likely split them up and place at least one of them if not all three into group homes. That would be terrible and traumatic to them all. Group homes are not good places. I am only still in this because I love these girls too much to allow that to happen. I feel so beat down by it all though.
We took a break from it all though and went ahead and took a camping trip over labor day weekend. We camped with my sister and her family and it was a fun family time. Between our two families we had SIX teenagers and eight kids between 11 and 4 years. You would think it would have been chaotic, but instead it was fun and relaxing.
Now we are bracing for two birthdays right on top of each other, and a week full of appointments. With seven kids it never slows down.
We took a break from it all though and went ahead and took a camping trip over labor day weekend. We camped with my sister and her family and it was a fun family time. Between our two families we had SIX teenagers and eight kids between 11 and 4 years. You would think it would have been chaotic, but instead it was fun and relaxing.
Now we are bracing for two birthdays right on top of each other, and a week full of appointments. With seven kids it never slows down.
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