Upcoming tonsilectomy!

Bella's ENT appointment last Monday went well.

The Dr. took one look at her tonsils and told us they definitely need to come out, and sooner rather than later. He said they are huge (the same thing her pediatrician and the PA in their office said when they saw them), and that it is obvious from their appearance that they have been fighting infection for years.

They should have come out a long time ago.

Bella told us she has been to a few doctors about her sore throats, but they always told her they needed a "history" of the ongoing problem (meaning they have to have seen her in their office for the problem multiple times within 6 months).

Yeah, that isn't really feasible when you are bouncing back and forth in and out of foster care and from placement to placement.

I don't know what is wrong with those other doctors, as the ENT says he can see just from looking at them that this has been and on going problem. The doctor even expressed concern on NOT taking them out right away. He said the tonsils are so bad that there is a substantial risk of an abcess forming, a condition that could be life threatening.

So we said "Let's do it! How soon can we schedule the surgery?" Bella was so excited she was bouncing in her chair (an end to pain and feeling terrible!). The doctor said he could get her in within a week or two (Yay!), but did we have the paperwork that says I can approve the procedure? Well, of course I have the Notice to Provider form! (This is the paper that I have to give to every medical professional the girls see, as well as the schools that says I am their foster parent and have the authority to sign paperwork and make basic medical/educational decisions) What? That isn't the form we need?

Turns out we have to have an actual court order before we can even schedule the operation.

So I call their caseworker. She says she will start the paperwork.

I call again a few days later to check on it (this is the only way to make sure things don't sit on someone's desk for extended periods of time...CPS wheels turn slow). She tells me she has filled out the proper forms and submitted everything to the AL. Now it is up to the AL to submit the paperwork to the court.

I do not have contact info for the AL. I do not even know the AL's name. I do not even know what the "AL" is! I am assuming she meant GAL or Guardian ad Litem (This is a person, often an attorney, who is appointed by the court to represent the interests of foster child/children in a particular court case. They are supposed to meet with the kids and get to know their needs and all particulars of the case so that they can best represent and advocate for the children's best interests. They have a huge influence in court. I don't even know if the girls have a GAL.)

Ms. CW told me that as soon as the paperwork went through and the court order was given, the ENT's office would be contacted, and they would in turn contact me.

We are still waiting to hear anything. I have been waiting for Monday so I can call Ms. CW again and hopefully get her to call the AL and find out where the process is at. I will not be surprised if I am told no one knows anything and we just have to wait.

CPS stinks.

The days march on...

The last couple weeks have been busy with Sunshine and Bee's birthdays just one week apart (we had two very fun, very different parties), soccer practices and games, two family visits (one with bio aunts/uncles/cousins, one with bio dad), miscellaneous appointments, parent/teacher conferences, and an ER visit.

Sunshine woke up with severe back pain Saturday and the ER was our only option. Thankfully they were able to help her without a lot of hassle and we were back home and she was pain free within a few hours. I hate waiting around at the ER, it always stresses me out.

I didn't even get to all the kids' conferences in. I have SIX kids in school and FOUR of them have multiple teachers, and all three schools held their conferences on the same day. It was an impossible task to say the least, but I did my best. Everyone seems to be doing well in school. No one has straight A's by any means, but no one is failing! Honestly, I would like to see C's brought up, but I can be satisfied with a C if they are working as hard as they can.

We still have more appointments to come this next week: ENT for Bella to address ongoing throat/tonsil issues. Sports physical for Bee. Counseling sessions for all three teens. Youth leader meetings for me (I was recently asked to serve as a youth leader for the young women in our church). With a family this large the appointments never end (by the middle of the week they all seem to multiply as well). Mixed in with the appointments is also our last week of Soccer practices and games.

Soccer is almost over! Saturday will be the final tournament games and closing ceremonies! I have to admit I will miss it. Coaching the two little ones' team has actually been pretty fun. It is a joy watching the 3-5 year olds chase the ball around their tiny little field, having a blast! I have also loved cheering on our two older soccer players this year, it has been a fun season all around!

September is almost over, and October has snuck up on us! We are getting geared up for Halloween already (two costumes checked off and put away! Only five more to go...), and I have already started my Christmas shopping in hopes of getting most of it done before the holiday crunch (it also helps the budget to spread out the cost over a few months). I am actually feeling on top of things (holiday related) right now!!

Birthdays in Foster care

We have one birthday down this month and one to go.  So, I am going to take a minute and talk about birthdays for foster kids.

Because birthdays are tricky in foster care.

You never know what is going to happen.

That kid that seems so excited to celebrate may suddenly beg to cancel their party when the grief of spending it away from their birth family hits them. A previously cheerful child may become withdrawn and depressed as a birthday approaches. Your timid and shy child may blossom and glow under the attention and recognition they never before recieved, or they may run and hide and become angry that you are the one who is giving them what they always wanted from their birth parents. There can be laughter, but there will usually also be tears. A birthday is a day of celebration, but it can also be a reminder of loss. I am not saying birthdays shouldn't be celebrated in foster care. They most certainly should be celebrated. It is something that should be approached with sensitivity, compassion, and understanding though.

When planning a party for a foster child, you should always involve the child. Find out what their expectations are and discuss realistically what you can or are willing to provide (some kids will ask for the moon, but settle for ice cream if you explain your budget limitations - other kids will be surprised and thrilled they get their very own party/cake/gifts). Include them in your family's birthday traditions, and ask them if they have any birthday traditions they would like to observe. Be considerate of your child's comfort level; If they get overwhelmed by crowds, keep the party small. If they are nervous around unfamiliar people, only invite family and close friends whom they know well. If they are easily overstimulated, keep decorations, invites, and number of gifts minimal. Plan around your child, and remember this is about them, not showing the world what a great parent you are by throwing an amazing shindig. (honestly this is something I have to remind myself with all my kids' parties. No one is judging! ok...some people are, but why do we care?) If a party isn't in the cards there are many other ways to acknowledge a birthday and make your child feel special; make a special birthday meal (any meal will do! Birthday breakfasts are a huge tradition for many families, but a one-on-one lunch will make any kid feel special and a kid-picked dinner is always a hit.), go on a special outing as a family or as a "date" with just the birthday child, make the child king/queen for the day, etc, etc.

It doesn't really matter what you do, as long as you make your foster child feel special and loved and make sure they know their existence is a reason to celebrate! Respect any feelings of sadness or loss, but encourage (not force) them to celebrate their special day in whatever way is comfortable for them.

Multiple times I have seen a birthday celebration be a turning point or huge leap forward in my relationships with my foster children. This is a chance to show them you care! It doesn't take a lot of money, just some time and maybe a little sacrifice. It is worth whatever you put into it 100x over.

It's Life.

So we have "worked out" the missing stipend check issue. Ha. What that really means is that I jumped through their hoops. I got a form signed and notarized saying I never got my check and that I want a new one, and mailed it off. Now we wait 5-10 business days (hopefully - CPS is not known for being prompt or caring about their own timelines) for them to issue a new one. Which means it will probably get here right around the same time as this months check (or shortly after). Crazy ridiculous. It is amazing how bad the state treats foster parents. I get that not all foster homes are good. There are lots of bad ones. Is that really a good reason to just assume we are ALL bad and should be treated badly though? Even the girls' caseworker agreed we were treated harshly. The payment people were just all so RUDE. Whatever though. We can't change it and I have to get past it. The only other option is to just quit (which honestly, I was very tempted to do this past week). Quitting would throw these three girls back into the broken system though, which would most likely split them up and place at least one of them if not all three into group homes. That would be terrible and traumatic to them all. Group homes are not good places. I am only still in this because I love these girls too much to allow that to happen. I feel so beat down by it all though.

We took a break from it all though and went ahead and took a camping trip over labor day weekend. We camped with my sister and her family and it was a fun family time. Between our two families we had SIX teenagers and eight kids between 11 and 4 years. You would think it would have been chaotic, but instead it was fun and relaxing.

Now we are bracing for two birthdays right on top of each other, and a week full of appointments. With seven kids it never slows down.

Foster Care...the gift that keeps on taking...

Beyond frustrated and angry today. We have yet to receive our stipend check for July. They tell us they mailed it out on the 13th, but it never arrived which means it is probably lost in the mail. You would think they would be able to put a stop payment on the lost check and reissue a new one, but no. Nothing is that simple in the land of CPS. First they must make you feel like a lying criminal. Then they will tell you to wait while they mail you forms to fill out and notarize with your bank (and don't ask them "why" or what these forms are for or they will get very snide and rude and tell you "because that is the process", like that means something). Then you have to wait for their "process" before you get the money they owe you, but they won't actually tell you how long that is going to take. All the while you are taking care of their kids, trying to pay bills and provide food and clothing and school supplies. We have had to borrow money from our families to pay the utility bills and buy groceries because of the extra money we spent on buying school supplies. The everyday needs of three teenage girls do not wait for a check. Sometimes I really, really hate this system. The girls' caseworker is trying to help us out from her side, but I really don't know how much clout she has in this situation, but since I can't reach our caseworker from our licensing agency I will take what help I can get. We don't do this for the money, but the fact is, we can't do this without that money. We just can't afford to support three extra kids without help. The paycheck we get will only stretch so far and I can't hurt my forever kids by allowing them to go without because CPS can't get their act together. We will see how this plays out, but I told the girls' worker if this isn't figured out quickly we are done.  This is not the first time we have been put in a difficult financial situation because of CPS delaying money. I love our three teenagers, they are absolutely wonderful, but my forever family has to come first.

Summer is drawing to a close

It has been a busy, fun, trying, super emotional summer! We have kept busy with one thing and another since my last post.

Bella did her soccer camp and had a BLAST. The coaches were impressed with her and even though she was the youngest girl there she excelled. We now have her (and 3 of our 4 bios) signed up for AYSO soccer this fall. They should be starting practices this coming week. For the next 8 weeks all Saturdays will now be soccer days! Bella has been looking forward to it ever since her camp ended.

Hubby and I had a training with our agency, and for the first time we let Sunshine, Bee, and Bella babysit our little ones. We were initially told by our agency that they could not ever watch our kids, and that the older girls themselves were not to be left unsupervised for more than an hour or so at a time. This mad things very, very complicated when Hubby and I had to go somewhere, or even if I just needed to go shopping. Let's just say we ran into a lot of "gray area" and even broke the rules a few times out of necessity when it came to leaving one or more of the girls on their own. These girls are 13, 14, and 16 for crying out loud! So, the girls finally asked their caseworker if they could babysit our kids (they had been asking to be allowed to sit for us to earn $$, or to sit for other people). Turns out the state has no regulations against the girls babysitting for us or anyone else. So we decided to give them a chance at it. The kids all did wonderful. The older girls are wonderful babysitters, especially Bee. Our little ones do very well with them. Our caseworker was not thrilled with this change, but she hasn't told us to stop either. That is good enough for me.

The kids and I also attended a Family Fun Day at a nearby lake, hosted by our licensing agency. I took my sister and her two little ones along and we had a super fun day. Sunshine, Bee, and Blondie (bio daughter #1) ended up in the lake when Bee capsized their canoe. Bella was in a nearby boat with my sister and myself and the dog we rescued from their canoe just before Bee got ornery and tipped them kind of accidentally on purpose. It was pretty hilarious. The whole day was tons of fun.

We finished up all the dental, medical, and vision appointments.

Right after our Colorado vacation Bee surprised us by asking to meet with the missionaries from our church to learn more about what we believe. (The girls have all been going to church with us every Sunday since they came to live here. They have been raised as Christian, but have attended various denominations so were not specifically affiliated with any particular sect. We gave them the option of going with us or finding another church they liked in the area and they all opted to just attend with us. We are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, commonly known as Mormon.) We put her off until we could speak to her caseworker, as we have always been told that religious issues must always involve the bio parents. Her caseworker told us differently. According to her the girls are old enough to make their own decisions about religion and the state would allow them to do so without parental permission. Bee wanted to move ahead right away, but we insisted she talk to her father first out of respect. He gave begrudging "permission" and we set up the lessons for her. Bee quickly moved through the lessons and soon asked to be baptized a member of our church. I have to say here that we put NO pressure on her to make these decisions. We support her decisions, and we encourage her to follow her heart and conscience, but we have never done more than answer questions she brought to us and follow her lead. Again we asked her caseworker if she needed permission to be baptized, and again she told us the decision was completely Bee's. We still had her call her dad and tell him out of respect. He was not happy, but she stood her ground and he eventually wished her happiness in her decision, though he made it clear he did not agree with or like her decision. It was a tense conversation. She stayed calm throughout though and never wavered from her choice. She is a girl who knows her own mind and is never afraid to go her own way. Her baptism was a sweet spiritual experience.

We also experienced a family loss this summer. My husband's younger brother passed away in result of a terrible car accident. The weeks following his death have been a trial, and the older girls have been a blessing. Only a couple days after his passing the girls had plans to attend Girls' Camp with the other young women in our church. A good friend helped me get them ready and off to camp, then hubby and our bio kids and I headed out to my in-laws home to spend time with his family prior to the funeral. My mother then picked the girls up from camp on her way to the funeral and brought them to us. We gave the girls the option of staying at the house rather than attending the services, but they came and supported us and helped out with the little ones. Their presence was touching and much appreciated.

Now we are in the midst of back to school preparations! We already got our shopping out of the way for Blondie and Freckles (bio daughter #2), but are waiting on a state check before setting out for the older girls. They will get $80 each for school supplies and $75 for clothes, and anything they don't use for supplies out of the $80 will also go toward new clothes. It doesn't seem like much, but it is more than we are spending on our bio kids this year (The bio kids only get one or two new outfits this year as they don't really need any new clothes but I like to get them something new for the first day or two of school so they have that new school year excitement.) We have only a week and a half until school starts here, so hopefully the checks arrive sooner rather than later.

I say a week and a half, but that is only for MOST of the kids. Bee will actually be doing online school this year! We are starting her in Primavara in hopes of allowing her to make up credits so that she can catch up to her peer group. Everyone who knows her agrees, she should NOT be in 8th grade this year (by everyone I particularly mean her caseworker, her therapist, and her teachers, but also her church group leaders, as well as her friends and other adults that know her well would agree.) Socially and emotionally she is far beyond the kids she goes to school with. She was held back in early elementary school, but rather than progressing socially with her school grade peers she passed them up (likely due to her home circumstances). She is also a September baby so she will turn 15 right after school starts. How hard to be a 15 year old 8th grader, especially when you are already more mature than most 15 year olds! She still has to meet her academic goals though, so online school is her only option to not "be" in middle school while all her friends move on to high school (or continue in high school as most of her friends are 15-17 years old). She will also have the chance to use their accelerated program to "catch up" if she is willing to work really hard this year. She may be able to move on to her Sophmore year next year, or at least move into her Freshman year with extra credits towards graduation. That is her goal; graduating with her peers rather than a year behind them. It is all dependent on how much she is willing to apply herself. The conditions her caseworker gave us when she approved the online schooling was that if she starts to fall behind she HAS to go back to the traditional school. I think she has what it takes though and will excel this year.

So, tomorrow morning we are off on our last summer adventure: a family campout! Three days of wilderness bonding and together time. It will be the perfect end to our crazy Summer.

Home from Vacation, and back to Real Life!

Yesterday was our first full day home from vacation. It was almost back to normal. Hubby was sweet enough to get our two Summer schoolers where they needed to be on his way to take the four-wheelers we borrowed back to his parents home.

  

*I should add here that a few days after school got out we got a letter in the mail letting us know that Sunshine was being given the chance to do Summer school in order to complete one of her online courses. She started both her online courses when she got here and had only six weeks to do an entire year worth of assignments. She completed her math course quickly, but got hung up on the science course and we thought the credit was lost. How wonderful that she gets to keep going and complete it! Being able to focus exclusively on the one course had allowed her to zoom through the assignments and she is almost done!

 

The other kids got up and got started on their chores right away. "Why?" you ask, are they so eager to do chores? Well, before vacation we instituted a new policy. We change the wi-fi password every night, and we don't give it out until they have finished their chores the next day. Bee found the idea on facebook and suggested we try it (She was our only non complainer about chores previously). It works amazingly well, especially since this applies to the TVs as well.

I started to unpack (still some stuff waiting for today), start laundry (piles remain), and make order out of the chaos that always comes from the packing and unpacking of a vacation. We still have a ways to go.

Our vacation was a success though. We had a lot of fun together. We played lots of games, explored the area around the cabin, rode four-wheelers, went on an excursion to Mesa Verde national park to see the Indian ruins there, roasted marshmallows and had smores, put together a few puzzles, watched a few movies, and generally enjoyed each others' company. It was great. We tried to go swimming too, but of the three swimming holes on the property; one was mostly dried up, and the other two were brown and full of algae and weeds, and we couldn't get the kids to do more than wade along the edges. We did see lots of animal prints around the water which was cool. The kids were in love with the racoon tracks.

The older girls had a lot of new experiences while we were there, but their favorite was definitely the four-wheelers. After getting the go-ahead from their caseworker we taught them how to drive them safely, although Bella had one minor mishap that scared everyone a bit but taught the girls respect for the machines. She got banged up a bit, but fortunately nothing more serious than a few bruises. Afterward they were all three more cautious and concientious.

We all got worn out in a good way.

Now we just have to take a few days to recover, although the busy has already grabbed us again.

Yesterday was the Report and Review hearing for the girls' case. We listened in by phone so we didn't have to leave the house, but it was a draining experience. Sunshines bio dad has officially asked for TPR (termination of parental rights). This is a process that will leave her as a legal orphan.  She still has her sisters and their dad is her "dad", as he is the one who raised her. The legal problem is that there is very little chance that CPS will be able to place her with him because he is not a legal relative, which means he would have to be licensed to foster/adopt her. There is very little chance he will be eligible for that. If he were in AZ they might be able to fudge it a bit and allow it, but he is in Nevada and that requires interstate paperwork. Nevada is very unlikely to allow it to happen. So, now we are preparing her for what comes next. Most likely that will be either aging out of the system in just over a year, or emancipation so she can go to Nevada when/if her sisters do. Heavy stuff for a 16 year old to deal with. The other two had to deal with the reality that they will be here at LEAST another three months, possibly longer if their dad does not work his butt off to complete the list of requirements he has been given to show he is capable of caring for the girls. This will not be easy. He is almost 60 years old and has just had multiple back surgeries. We are praying for him, but it is not going to be an easy road.

Today we have a CFT. Another phone conference. We will discuss what happened at court yesterday as well as the usual stuff. It should be interesting. Then, later this afternoon Sunshine has another dental appointment. They are finishing up the work she needed done, so hopefully this will be her last one for awhile.

The kids and I get the weekend to ourselves (Hubby left for work for a few days), then Monday we have a home visit from the girls' caseworker, and then they have a visit with their dad immediately afterward. This visit will be here in town, at the library and/or park, by the girls' request. (Next visit will likely be in another town half way between here and dad's home, which means the girls will have to travel a few hours). Hubby will also be home Monday, so we have a few errands that will need taken care of then. Tuesday and Wednesday Bella will be attending soccer camp (got to get her registered today!).

We continue to speed through our Summer break. September will be here before we know it!