"I could never do foster care, I would just get too attached"

 I was at the park yesterday chatting with a couple friends as our little ones played when the subject of foster care came up. When you foster, it gets brought up a LOT...usually by someone else, and it won't take long before you hear the phrase: "I could never do foster care. I would just get too attached."

Way back when we did foster care the first time this comment didn't phase me much. Hadn't I had the same thoughts when my husband first brought up the idea? It took a strong prompting from the Lord telling us (me) this was the path we needed to follow to convince me to give it a go. So, when people would share such thoughts I would nod in understanding, say something like "It can be really hard." and not think much of it, other than feeling a pang of guilt, like maybe I wasn't getting attached enough if I could still function after a child leaving.

Yesterday though, it struck me differently and I found myself struggling for a way to express my feelings. I felt like shouting: "So you think I don't get attached?!! Should only cold unfeeling people foster?? Just what are you saying??!" After a moment though I realized that the comment wasn't about ME, it was about THEM. You are doing a great thing that I admire, but its a really hard thing, and I just couldn't do it! The last part "I would just get too attached" isn't a judgment, it's a fear. I believe what is really meant is "I don't think I am strong enough to survive letting go." or even just "I don't want to go through the pain of letting go"

When this epiphany struck my first reflex was to alleviate the fear. (Which in retrospect is kind of ridiculous, because it is a valid fear and a reality of foster care). So I told them what I have told a lot of people: If you had to take your sister/cousin/other-family-member's children for some reason and care for them for awhile you would love them and nurture them, and then when their parents were able to take them back, you would happily reunite the family. You would miss them, but you would give them back because they are not yours to keep. (I do realize this is not a perfect analogy, but it relays the sentiment I was going for. There are many more aspects to foster care that can make it much, much more complicated than this. But, you get the idea.)

My friends nodded and looked understanding, but I felt like I hadn't really made an impression. So I tried again. I told them that It can be hard when kids leave, but you have to go into it realizing it isn't about you, it's about the kids. It's about giving them a good home.

I wasn't as eloquent as I would have liked. There were small children running all around us. We left the conversation there. I don't know if I made any sort of impression at all and reflecting on the conversation later I was a little frustrated that I hadn't been able to put into words a proper answer.  It is an answer that requires a bit of reflection I believe. Today though I came across a blog post by Mary @ Adoption & Foster Care: My Personal Experiences that made me say "YES! THIS! This is what I wanted to say!!"

http://mamamem.blogspot.com/2014/04/foster-care-isnt-for-you.html

There was also a link to another post she had written a few years ago that she wrote in answer to this exact comment:

http://mamamem.blogspot.com/2010/03/i-could-never-do-foster-care.html

I am linking them here so that I can read and re-read them so the next time I hear "I could never do foster care..." I will have the words to express my heart better. Who knows, I may even be able to change someone else's.