We are approaching the anniversary of the death of our girls' bio mom next month. It is also the anniversary of their arrival in our home. Her birthday is also at the beginning of next month. There are lots of really big emotions connected to these days and they are already starting to surface.
Bella was in tears the other night just thinking about her Mom's upcoming birthday. We had been making plans for special family visits and discussing how everyone would observe/handle/survive those days. We also talked about expecting all three of them to be emotional throughout the coming weeks and trying to be patient with each other. It was a good opportunity to get things in the open and make sure the girls understood that it is normal for this to be a difficult time for them, and to let them know that we understand that too. Afterwards though Bella broke down in tears. I held her while she cried for a bit, then had her call and talk to her aunt for awhile (I think sometimes it is easier to grieve with someone who also knew your loved one).
March is going to be a rough month one way or another. What I didn't expect (but really should have - it is only logical) is how early in February we would start seeing the emotions rise. Here at home it has been mostly calm; just some snippiness, some tears, and a bit of withdrawing. Nothing too intense.
The girls had a visit this past weekend with their family though, and apparently things got rough down there. They were supposed to have a visit with their dad at the normal place (midway between here and his home), but he didn't show up. (This is a first, and we still don't know why yet.) So, the girls went ahead to their aunt's home and spent the weekend there. The next night I got a phone call from Bee at her wits end. She was upset and trying to be calm but Bella was lashing out with some pretty bad behavior. No one knew what to make of it, where it was coming from, or how to deal with it. It was very out of character and out of the blue. So Bee and I had a talk about Bella's big emotions and how much she was hurting inside. We talked about how she was already having a hard time with their Mom's birthday coming up and then having their dad no show for his visit probably hurt really bad and made everything worse. We talked about a few other things probably adding to her emotional state and that she was probably lashing out to try and make everyone else hurt as much as she was hurting. Bee seemed to understand better after that and I encouraged her to just love her through it even though it is hard and not fair. We hung up soon after that and I worried for the next couple days about what we would be dealing with when they came home!
They came home tired, quiet, and a bit withdrawn, but that only lasted for a little while. Soon they were back to my normal chatty girls and I was grateful but a bit at a loss. Bee filled me in the next evening when she came and found me sorting outgrown clothes in my little one's room. I was paid a very unexpected and humbling compliment. After she spoke to me on the phone she shared what I had said with her aunt and she said "Oh! That makes so much sense!" Bella said she decided to not make a big deal out of it, and was able to handle Bella much better afterward. (Sometimes just understanding where someone is coming from makes it so much easier to deal with them compassionately!) Bella also told me that when her aunt was having a hard time dealing with her own little girl Bella told her how when my little ones keep being naughty I will put them in my lap and just hold them and tell them I love them "and it works!" I was floored. I didn't realize I did that, and I didn't realize she was paying so much attention to my parenting. It was super humbling. What was even more humbling was when she told me her aunt tried it! To think that another mother may use something I do to help her in her parenting is very humbling.
Ripples...the things these girls learn here in our home are rippling outward and it is amazing.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Monday, February 9, 2015
Moving Forward
I got a call from the girls' caseworker the other day, letting me know they will be getting a new caseworker soon.
The girls' "Aunt" (bio Mom's BFF) is almost done with her homestudy and should be licensed within the next couple weeks. This means that they will be moving into a permanent home, so their case is being transferred to the "permanency" division of DCS, which means they get a new caseworker.
Ms CW also told me that she was unaware that the girls were wanting to stay with us until the end of the school year. She thought they would be moving to their Aunt's home as soon as she was licensed (this month). I do not know HOW she missed this. When I mentioned this to the girls they all three laughed and said the same thing - "How did she miss that!?" I have mentioned it to her multiple times, they have talked to her about it multiple times, and we have discussed it at CFTs multiple times! *sigh* I don't know. Maybe she just never wrote it down. Hopefully she has now "officially" put it in their file for the new caseworker.
As far as their permanency plan, I believe the case is moving toward TPR (termination of parental rights) for their dad, so that their aunt can officially adopt them. At least that is what I have been told. I don't know what this change will mean for us, other than a new person to work with.
When they will leave has become strange and somewhat complicated though.
Bella is the simple one and will be leaving within a week or two of school getting out. She wants to stay long enough to participate in a few last youth activities that are planned for the first week of June and spend some time with her friends before she leaves.
Bee is still working toward moving in with a local family she has become close to. Things are moving slowly in that direction though and I am not sure what may happen. She may stay with us a bit longer, but so many things are uncertain that at this point any thing could happen. The only thing that we know for sure is she has expressed her desire to stay here, in town. She is clear that while she loves her family she does not want to live with them. She has very wise and valid reasoning that led her to her decision (all on her own). I hope her new caseworker will respect her desires if at all possible.
Sunshine is also a bit of a wild card at the moment. She wants to go to her aunt, but she also wants to stay here where she is happy and has friends. She hasn't made a firm choice yet, but is leaning towards going with Bella. She has a job opportunity for the summer that would require her to stay here though and she quickly decided she wants to stay and work. SO, most likely (pending approval from her new CW) she will stay through the summer, then go to her aunt in the fall. Since her case plan is Independent Living, and separate from her sisters she will probably be able to make the decision on her own.
Things could change at any time, but this is where they stand at the moment. It is with a strange mix of emotions we are planning the coming year. The girls have been with us almost a year now, and it is strange to think about a time coming when they are gone. When I think about it my emotions are a total jumble. It has been a rough and joyful year.
The girls' "Aunt" (bio Mom's BFF) is almost done with her homestudy and should be licensed within the next couple weeks. This means that they will be moving into a permanent home, so their case is being transferred to the "permanency" division of DCS, which means they get a new caseworker.
Ms CW also told me that she was unaware that the girls were wanting to stay with us until the end of the school year. She thought they would be moving to their Aunt's home as soon as she was licensed (this month). I do not know HOW she missed this. When I mentioned this to the girls they all three laughed and said the same thing - "How did she miss that!?" I have mentioned it to her multiple times, they have talked to her about it multiple times, and we have discussed it at CFTs multiple times! *sigh* I don't know. Maybe she just never wrote it down. Hopefully she has now "officially" put it in their file for the new caseworker.
As far as their permanency plan, I believe the case is moving toward TPR (termination of parental rights) for their dad, so that their aunt can officially adopt them. At least that is what I have been told. I don't know what this change will mean for us, other than a new person to work with.
When they will leave has become strange and somewhat complicated though.
Bella is the simple one and will be leaving within a week or two of school getting out. She wants to stay long enough to participate in a few last youth activities that are planned for the first week of June and spend some time with her friends before she leaves.
Bee is still working toward moving in with a local family she has become close to. Things are moving slowly in that direction though and I am not sure what may happen. She may stay with us a bit longer, but so many things are uncertain that at this point any thing could happen. The only thing that we know for sure is she has expressed her desire to stay here, in town. She is clear that while she loves her family she does not want to live with them. She has very wise and valid reasoning that led her to her decision (all on her own). I hope her new caseworker will respect her desires if at all possible.
Sunshine is also a bit of a wild card at the moment. She wants to go to her aunt, but she also wants to stay here where she is happy and has friends. She hasn't made a firm choice yet, but is leaning towards going with Bella. She has a job opportunity for the summer that would require her to stay here though and she quickly decided she wants to stay and work. SO, most likely (pending approval from her new CW) she will stay through the summer, then go to her aunt in the fall. Since her case plan is Independent Living, and separate from her sisters she will probably be able to make the decision on her own.
Things could change at any time, but this is where they stand at the moment. It is with a strange mix of emotions we are planning the coming year. The girls have been with us almost a year now, and it is strange to think about a time coming when they are gone. When I think about it my emotions are a total jumble. It has been a rough and joyful year.
Thursday, January 22, 2015
Where did the last four months go?
So, I have been avoiding blogging. Why? Too many big emotions to put out there I guess. So, we will do a (brief? haha, maybe some parts) recap.
To pick up where we left off:
After a few weeks of waiting on the court we got the order we needed for Bella's surgery (and it was the GAL, aka the girls' attorney, Ms. CW was talking to and had to go through to get the court order, not "AL" I apparently misheard, whoops.) We scheduled and got her in right away and all went well. One note about the recovery room that totally blindsided me and made for an emotional couple hours - coming out of the anesthesia, groggy and confused, Bella had NO memory of her mother's death or even living with us! She recognized me, even called me by name, but had no other memory of her time with us. She kept asking for her mom and saying "Why isn't she here? Why wouldn't she be here? Where is she?" I was in tears, and trying very hard to hide it. All I could do was reassure her that her mom would be there if she could, hold her hand, stroke her hair, and avoid her other questions. Telling her more would have just been cruel as her memory was transient and we would have had to keep retelling her. She must have asked where she was and why she hurt twenty times. It took awhile, but she gradually came out of the fogginess and had no memory of any of it later (She and her sisters asked if she was really funny under anesthesia like all the viral videos out there. I told them NO, it most certainly was not funny at all. I explained why and she all she said was "wow. I don't remember any of that." Probably a good thing.) Just one more unexpected reality of raising someone else's child.
Around this same time Bee decided she didn't like our chore system. Rather than come and talk to me she decided to handle it by taking a picture of our living room in full on crazy mess mode (doesn't take more than a couple hours to get that way with nine people living here!) and send it to her CPS caseworker in a text ranting on what a mess our house is and the chores aren't fair, etc. So Ms. CW calls me to "discuss" our chore system. She told me about the text (but left out the photo part - that comes in later). I was angry. I felt betrayed, scared, hurt, judged, and a lot of other unpleasant emotions. SO Ms. CW and I had a long conversation about chores and what could/should be expected of teenagers. Her "suggestion" was to take my little ones off the same chores as the older girls (all the kids were on a rotation of the same chores - bathroom, front room, kitchen, laundry, dishes), and to make separate age-appropriate chore lists for them. Apparently one of Bee's complaints was having to do chores after the smaller kids and me not making them do the job as well as the older girls. Ms. CW said she spoke to Bee about the fact that you cannot expect a 9 or 10yr old to do the same quality of work as a teenager. I was grateful for that, but expressed my feelings that this should have been a conversation Bee had with ME first. So I made the new chore charts. Then emailed her a copy of the chore chart to make sure she knew/approved of what I was asking of the girls. (I was NOT happy to have to get approval of my chore system!) Then, when the girls got home I presented the new chore list. They were not happy. You see, when you divide up chores based on age-appropriateness, all the hard chores go to the older kids. So while the younger kids got chores like cleaning the bathroom and doing the laundry, the teenagers got dishes, cleaning the kitchen, and picking up the living room. The ones they hated. (NOT HARD CHORES ANY OF THEM btw, especially compared to what the girls have told me they were required to do at home and other foster homes, but somehow these chores are still asking just too much. Teenagers.) THEN Bee tries to negotiate. "How about instead of these chores everyone just picks up after themselves. We can all wash our own dishes. Then it's all fair." My response: "Sounds good in theory, but in practice probably wouldn't work so well since no one actually does that around here and I would end up taking up all the slack and that is NOT fair. However, I still might have been willing to try it just to see, if you had come to me first. Instead you went behind my back and tried to manipulate the situation and me by complaining to Ms. CW. You thought she was going to make me take away your chores or make them easier. It backfired. This is her idea, she approved these chores, and now you are stuck with them." That got me a glare and some MAJOR attitude. So I told her that if she doesn't like my home she can leave. That is an option that is always open. She can call up Ms. CW and say she doesn't want to be here and they will find her a new foster home. Basically I gave her a variation on what my mother told me when I was a sassy teenager: It's my home, my rules. If you don't like it get a job and get your own home, otherwise quit complaining and be grateful for what you've got!
After that things seemed to calm a bit, although attitude was at an all time high. THEN I get a short-notice home visit from my caseworker. Ms. CW sent her to "check on things" because the girls (Bee specifically) had been complaining to their father at a visit about how terrible things were here. I was not told exactly what was said, but it was bad enough that bio dad was concerned and spoke to the visit supervisor (who had overheard the conversation of course and was also concerned), who called Ms. CW to report their concerns. So she called my agency caseworker and requested a drop-in visit. After a private conversation and a few pointed questions (that I was very confused by) my awesome CW (lets call her Mac) realized we were dealing with a case of teenage drama rama rather than an actual placement problem. She told me why she was there and the general concerns (this is when I learned of the photo Bee had sent with her text). I. was. livid. If any of these people involved had been the over cautious trigger happy type rather than level-headed types I could easily have had an investigation into my home (nothing would have come of it, but it is a very unpleasant process that requires removing all foster children - if not all children - from the home for the duration of the investigation). For no reason other than a fifteen year old girl doesn't like to do dishes and thinks the money CPS sends for school supplies should be hers to spend however she likes. All boiled down, that is what it came to. Thankfully, Mac gave me some good advice, and took care of filling Ms. CW in on the real situation.
So I took Mac's advice and set the girls down for a frank discussion. Bella was only minimally involved as she was still recovering from surgery so basically slept through most of it. We discussed Mac's visit and its purpose. I explained how this could have hurt my family. I explained what should have happened instead (them coming and speaking to me rather than complaining to their cw and family and exaggerating things to get sympathy). Again following Mac's advice I asked them if in all honesty they wanted to live at our house and made it a matter of choice completely up to them. Sunshine was clear and upfront and said No, she would rather be living with her aunt. I told her that is understandable, but not an option at the moment. So she said if she can't be there she would rather just stay here. Bee would not give me a straight answer. I explained to her again how what she had done had put my family at risk and how I would not put us in that position again. She had to make a commitment one way or another. It was her choice. Stay or go.
"It's not that simple"
"Yes. It is. You either want to stay here or you don't"
"You don't understand how bad other places are!"
"Yes, I do. The question is still whether you would rather stay here, and accept our home how it is, or go somewhere else. I am not changing our lives and how we do things just because you don't like it."
Silence.
More Silence.
"They will probably send me to a group home and those places are really bad!"
"Then maybe you need to consider that maybe being here isn't so bad."
Glare. Silence.
Silence, holding eye contact. (I don't find teenage glaring intimidating, it doesn't make me the least bit uncomfortable.)
Silence. She avoids eye contact.
"Are you going to accept things as they are, or should I call Ms. CW to find you a new placement? It is your choice Bee, no one is going to make you stay here if you hate it that much."
Silence and glaring at the floor.
"You have to give me an answer. You can't just ignore this. It isn't going away."
More silence and floor glaring.
"Okay. Well, I guess that is your answer then. If you hate it that much and can't accept living here as it is then you don't have to stay. I will call Ms. CW tomorrow and let her know."
Silence. Then she jumps up and stomps to her room and slams the door. Sunshine looked completely shellshocked. Later I talked to Bella, and she was in agreement with Sunshine, if she couldn't go home, she would rather stay.
I prayed a lot that night, and cried a lot the next morning. I felt like a failure. I hated what was happening and wanted to just get it over with, but I felt I should put off the phone call. I felt the Lord wanted me to give Bee time to really think about her choices. So I waited until after school and when she came home I went into her room where she was lying on her bed. I told her I hadn't called yet, and I wanted to know if she still wanted to leave. If so, I would call right then. She quickly rolled over and said "No!" She had been crying and told me she had spent all day in the counselors office at school. He had helped her work through her emotions and she wanted to stay. We talked a bit about expectations and choices. I was both relieved and worried.
Our relationship has been strained since then. There are good days and bad, but for the most part I think things are good. I still worry though. False accusations are a foster parents worst nightmare. I know she isn't completely happy here. She went and found herself a possible new home. It's not a bad thing. In fact it is a very good thing. They are friends of ours from church and a wonderful family. We care about her a lot, but we know we aren't her forever home. It's not final yet, but there is a good possibility she will go to live with them at the end of the school year when Sunshine and Bella go to live with their "aunt".
Which brings us to the next big thing; they (CPS) found a close family friend of the girls' Mom who is getting licensed for foster care so she can take the girls! Bella is very excited, but wants to finish the school year with her friends here. Sunshine wants to go, and will probably go, but would also like to do her Senior year of high school here, so she hasn't made a firm decision yet. I would love for her to stay. We have gotten close over the past few months and I will miss her like crazy when she leaves whether in May or for college next year. Bio dad isn't even really trying to get them back anymore. He still has visits and is staying involved, but he knows he can't get them so he is supporting them going to live with this "aunt". It is a very positive thing for the girls and their family.
As for the last part of the year;
October was emotional, but ended well with a fun Halloween. I took all seven kids trick-or-treating and they had a blast! (although our candy haul was meager by the girls' standards! apparently city trick-or-treating yields mountains of sugar. lol)
November brought birthdays (including the brother/uncle we lost in July - an emotional week), pumpkin (Sunshine and I have declared pumpkin an official season. We boiled down our jack-o-lanterns and have made many a pumkin recipe since!), and family get-togethers, as well as finally getting family visits approved for the girls! They started having visits in their hometown with their aunts and uncles which means a LOT of traveling for our girls. Thankfully they set up transport for them because there is no way we could do it every other weekend! Our girls got three Thanksgiving dinners - one with Hubby's family the weekend before, one with my family the day of, and one with their family the weekend after! They thought that was amazing and awesome.
December went by way too fast! Christmas activities abounded and we had lots of good family times and made good memories. The girls' had a lot more "first" experiences with our family. The girls chose to spend Christmas with us rather than travel to spend it with their family, which was surprising. It was wonderful having them with us, it would have been strange not to I think. The kids were all more than happy with their gifts, especially as we had a wonderful anonymous Christmas Angel bring gifts of clothing and shoes and coats to all our kids! I have never seen kids so excited for clothes! lol It was a wonderful blessing! The girls' had a fun four day visit with their family after Christmas and came home just in time for New Year's.
January has been hectic. I can't believe it is almost over! New Year's was a low key night at home with just me and the little kids. The teenagers all went out for the night to approved youth activities, and me and the littles stayed home and watched movies and played games. Then back to school! Now we are having a few health concerns for Sunshine that we hope to find answers to quickly. I can't believe we are almost to February. It has been a whirlwind year!
We are quickly creeping up on our one year anniversary with our girls! We are none of us looking forward to March though as it will bring the one year anniversary of their Mother's death as well. I am sure things will get stormy around then. We are working to arrange a special visit with family for that time period.
This post has gotten too long, even though I have left out a lot! I will have to keep up better. No more avoiding the big feelings!
To pick up where we left off:
After a few weeks of waiting on the court we got the order we needed for Bella's surgery (and it was the GAL, aka the girls' attorney, Ms. CW was talking to and had to go through to get the court order, not "AL" I apparently misheard, whoops.) We scheduled and got her in right away and all went well. One note about the recovery room that totally blindsided me and made for an emotional couple hours - coming out of the anesthesia, groggy and confused, Bella had NO memory of her mother's death or even living with us! She recognized me, even called me by name, but had no other memory of her time with us. She kept asking for her mom and saying "Why isn't she here? Why wouldn't she be here? Where is she?" I was in tears, and trying very hard to hide it. All I could do was reassure her that her mom would be there if she could, hold her hand, stroke her hair, and avoid her other questions. Telling her more would have just been cruel as her memory was transient and we would have had to keep retelling her. She must have asked where she was and why she hurt twenty times. It took awhile, but she gradually came out of the fogginess and had no memory of any of it later (She and her sisters asked if she was really funny under anesthesia like all the viral videos out there. I told them NO, it most certainly was not funny at all. I explained why and she all she said was "wow. I don't remember any of that." Probably a good thing.) Just one more unexpected reality of raising someone else's child.
Around this same time Bee decided she didn't like our chore system. Rather than come and talk to me she decided to handle it by taking a picture of our living room in full on crazy mess mode (doesn't take more than a couple hours to get that way with nine people living here!) and send it to her CPS caseworker in a text ranting on what a mess our house is and the chores aren't fair, etc. So Ms. CW calls me to "discuss" our chore system. She told me about the text (but left out the photo part - that comes in later). I was angry. I felt betrayed, scared, hurt, judged, and a lot of other unpleasant emotions. SO Ms. CW and I had a long conversation about chores and what could/should be expected of teenagers. Her "suggestion" was to take my little ones off the same chores as the older girls (all the kids were on a rotation of the same chores - bathroom, front room, kitchen, laundry, dishes), and to make separate age-appropriate chore lists for them. Apparently one of Bee's complaints was having to do chores after the smaller kids and me not making them do the job as well as the older girls. Ms. CW said she spoke to Bee about the fact that you cannot expect a 9 or 10yr old to do the same quality of work as a teenager. I was grateful for that, but expressed my feelings that this should have been a conversation Bee had with ME first. So I made the new chore charts. Then emailed her a copy of the chore chart to make sure she knew/approved of what I was asking of the girls. (I was NOT happy to have to get approval of my chore system!) Then, when the girls got home I presented the new chore list. They were not happy. You see, when you divide up chores based on age-appropriateness, all the hard chores go to the older kids. So while the younger kids got chores like cleaning the bathroom and doing the laundry, the teenagers got dishes, cleaning the kitchen, and picking up the living room. The ones they hated. (NOT HARD CHORES ANY OF THEM btw, especially compared to what the girls have told me they were required to do at home and other foster homes, but somehow these chores are still asking just too much. Teenagers.) THEN Bee tries to negotiate. "How about instead of these chores everyone just picks up after themselves. We can all wash our own dishes. Then it's all fair." My response: "Sounds good in theory, but in practice probably wouldn't work so well since no one actually does that around here and I would end up taking up all the slack and that is NOT fair. However, I still might have been willing to try it just to see, if you had come to me first. Instead you went behind my back and tried to manipulate the situation and me by complaining to Ms. CW. You thought she was going to make me take away your chores or make them easier. It backfired. This is her idea, she approved these chores, and now you are stuck with them." That got me a glare and some MAJOR attitude. So I told her that if she doesn't like my home she can leave. That is an option that is always open. She can call up Ms. CW and say she doesn't want to be here and they will find her a new foster home. Basically I gave her a variation on what my mother told me when I was a sassy teenager: It's my home, my rules. If you don't like it get a job and get your own home, otherwise quit complaining and be grateful for what you've got!
After that things seemed to calm a bit, although attitude was at an all time high. THEN I get a short-notice home visit from my caseworker. Ms. CW sent her to "check on things" because the girls (Bee specifically) had been complaining to their father at a visit about how terrible things were here. I was not told exactly what was said, but it was bad enough that bio dad was concerned and spoke to the visit supervisor (who had overheard the conversation of course and was also concerned), who called Ms. CW to report their concerns. So she called my agency caseworker and requested a drop-in visit. After a private conversation and a few pointed questions (that I was very confused by) my awesome CW (lets call her Mac) realized we were dealing with a case of teenage drama rama rather than an actual placement problem. She told me why she was there and the general concerns (this is when I learned of the photo Bee had sent with her text). I. was. livid. If any of these people involved had been the over cautious trigger happy type rather than level-headed types I could easily have had an investigation into my home (nothing would have come of it, but it is a very unpleasant process that requires removing all foster children - if not all children - from the home for the duration of the investigation). For no reason other than a fifteen year old girl doesn't like to do dishes and thinks the money CPS sends for school supplies should be hers to spend however she likes. All boiled down, that is what it came to. Thankfully, Mac gave me some good advice, and took care of filling Ms. CW in on the real situation.
So I took Mac's advice and set the girls down for a frank discussion. Bella was only minimally involved as she was still recovering from surgery so basically slept through most of it. We discussed Mac's visit and its purpose. I explained how this could have hurt my family. I explained what should have happened instead (them coming and speaking to me rather than complaining to their cw and family and exaggerating things to get sympathy). Again following Mac's advice I asked them if in all honesty they wanted to live at our house and made it a matter of choice completely up to them. Sunshine was clear and upfront and said No, she would rather be living with her aunt. I told her that is understandable, but not an option at the moment. So she said if she can't be there she would rather just stay here. Bee would not give me a straight answer. I explained to her again how what she had done had put my family at risk and how I would not put us in that position again. She had to make a commitment one way or another. It was her choice. Stay or go.
"It's not that simple"
"Yes. It is. You either want to stay here or you don't"
"You don't understand how bad other places are!"
"Yes, I do. The question is still whether you would rather stay here, and accept our home how it is, or go somewhere else. I am not changing our lives and how we do things just because you don't like it."
Silence.
More Silence.
"They will probably send me to a group home and those places are really bad!"
"Then maybe you need to consider that maybe being here isn't so bad."
Glare. Silence.
Silence, holding eye contact. (I don't find teenage glaring intimidating, it doesn't make me the least bit uncomfortable.)
Silence. She avoids eye contact.
"Are you going to accept things as they are, or should I call Ms. CW to find you a new placement? It is your choice Bee, no one is going to make you stay here if you hate it that much."
Silence and glaring at the floor.
"You have to give me an answer. You can't just ignore this. It isn't going away."
More silence and floor glaring.
"Okay. Well, I guess that is your answer then. If you hate it that much and can't accept living here as it is then you don't have to stay. I will call Ms. CW tomorrow and let her know."
Silence. Then she jumps up and stomps to her room and slams the door. Sunshine looked completely shellshocked. Later I talked to Bella, and she was in agreement with Sunshine, if she couldn't go home, she would rather stay.
I prayed a lot that night, and cried a lot the next morning. I felt like a failure. I hated what was happening and wanted to just get it over with, but I felt I should put off the phone call. I felt the Lord wanted me to give Bee time to really think about her choices. So I waited until after school and when she came home I went into her room where she was lying on her bed. I told her I hadn't called yet, and I wanted to know if she still wanted to leave. If so, I would call right then. She quickly rolled over and said "No!" She had been crying and told me she had spent all day in the counselors office at school. He had helped her work through her emotions and she wanted to stay. We talked a bit about expectations and choices. I was both relieved and worried.
Our relationship has been strained since then. There are good days and bad, but for the most part I think things are good. I still worry though. False accusations are a foster parents worst nightmare. I know she isn't completely happy here. She went and found herself a possible new home. It's not a bad thing. In fact it is a very good thing. They are friends of ours from church and a wonderful family. We care about her a lot, but we know we aren't her forever home. It's not final yet, but there is a good possibility she will go to live with them at the end of the school year when Sunshine and Bella go to live with their "aunt".
Which brings us to the next big thing; they (CPS) found a close family friend of the girls' Mom who is getting licensed for foster care so she can take the girls! Bella is very excited, but wants to finish the school year with her friends here. Sunshine wants to go, and will probably go, but would also like to do her Senior year of high school here, so she hasn't made a firm decision yet. I would love for her to stay. We have gotten close over the past few months and I will miss her like crazy when she leaves whether in May or for college next year. Bio dad isn't even really trying to get them back anymore. He still has visits and is staying involved, but he knows he can't get them so he is supporting them going to live with this "aunt". It is a very positive thing for the girls and their family.
As for the last part of the year;
October was emotional, but ended well with a fun Halloween. I took all seven kids trick-or-treating and they had a blast! (although our candy haul was meager by the girls' standards! apparently city trick-or-treating yields mountains of sugar. lol)
November brought birthdays (including the brother/uncle we lost in July - an emotional week), pumpkin (Sunshine and I have declared pumpkin an official season. We boiled down our jack-o-lanterns and have made many a pumkin recipe since!), and family get-togethers, as well as finally getting family visits approved for the girls! They started having visits in their hometown with their aunts and uncles which means a LOT of traveling for our girls. Thankfully they set up transport for them because there is no way we could do it every other weekend! Our girls got three Thanksgiving dinners - one with Hubby's family the weekend before, one with my family the day of, and one with their family the weekend after! They thought that was amazing and awesome.
December went by way too fast! Christmas activities abounded and we had lots of good family times and made good memories. The girls' had a lot more "first" experiences with our family. The girls chose to spend Christmas with us rather than travel to spend it with their family, which was surprising. It was wonderful having them with us, it would have been strange not to I think. The kids were all more than happy with their gifts, especially as we had a wonderful anonymous Christmas Angel bring gifts of clothing and shoes and coats to all our kids! I have never seen kids so excited for clothes! lol It was a wonderful blessing! The girls' had a fun four day visit with their family after Christmas and came home just in time for New Year's.
January has been hectic. I can't believe it is almost over! New Year's was a low key night at home with just me and the little kids. The teenagers all went out for the night to approved youth activities, and me and the littles stayed home and watched movies and played games. Then back to school! Now we are having a few health concerns for Sunshine that we hope to find answers to quickly. I can't believe we are almost to February. It has been a whirlwind year!
We are quickly creeping up on our one year anniversary with our girls! We are none of us looking forward to March though as it will bring the one year anniversary of their Mother's death as well. I am sure things will get stormy around then. We are working to arrange a special visit with family for that time period.
This post has gotten too long, even though I have left out a lot! I will have to keep up better. No more avoiding the big feelings!
Monday, September 29, 2014
Upcoming tonsilectomy!
Bella's ENT appointment last Monday went well.
The Dr. took one look at her tonsils and told us they definitely need to come out, and sooner rather than later. He said they are huge (the same thing her pediatrician and the PA in their office said when they saw them), and that it is obvious from their appearance that they have been fighting infection for years.
They should have come out a long time ago.
Bella told us she has been to a few doctors about her sore throats, but they always told her they needed a "history" of the ongoing problem (meaning they have to have seen her in their office for the problem multiple times within 6 months).
Yeah, that isn't really feasible when you are bouncing back and forth in and out of foster care and from placement to placement.
I don't know what is wrong with those other doctors, as the ENT says he can see just from looking at them that this has been and on going problem. The doctor even expressed concern on NOT taking them out right away. He said the tonsils are so bad that there is a substantial risk of an abcess forming, a condition that could be life threatening.
So we said "Let's do it! How soon can we schedule the surgery?" Bella was so excited she was bouncing in her chair (an end to pain and feeling terrible!). The doctor said he could get her in within a week or two (Yay!), but did we have the paperwork that says I can approve the procedure? Well, of course I have the Notice to Provider form! (This is the paper that I have to give to every medical professional the girls see, as well as the schools that says I am their foster parent and have the authority to sign paperwork and make basic medical/educational decisions) What? That isn't the form we need?
Turns out we have to have an actual court order before we can even schedule the operation.
So I call their caseworker. She says she will start the paperwork.
I call again a few days later to check on it (this is the only way to make sure things don't sit on someone's desk for extended periods of time...CPS wheels turn slow). She tells me she has filled out the proper forms and submitted everything to the AL. Now it is up to the AL to submit the paperwork to the court.
I do not have contact info for the AL. I do not even know the AL's name. I do not even know what the "AL" is! I am assuming she meant GAL or Guardian ad Litem (This is a person, often an attorney, who is appointed by the court to represent the interests of foster child/children in a particular court case. They are supposed to meet with the kids and get to know their needs and all particulars of the case so that they can best represent and advocate for the children's best interests. They have a huge influence in court. I don't even know if the girls have a GAL.)
Ms. CW told me that as soon as the paperwork went through and the court order was given, the ENT's office would be contacted, and they would in turn contact me.
We are still waiting to hear anything. I have been waiting for Monday so I can call Ms. CW again and hopefully get her to call the AL and find out where the process is at. I will not be surprised if I am told no one knows anything and we just have to wait.
CPS stinks.
The Dr. took one look at her tonsils and told us they definitely need to come out, and sooner rather than later. He said they are huge (the same thing her pediatrician and the PA in their office said when they saw them), and that it is obvious from their appearance that they have been fighting infection for years.
They should have come out a long time ago.
Bella told us she has been to a few doctors about her sore throats, but they always told her they needed a "history" of the ongoing problem (meaning they have to have seen her in their office for the problem multiple times within 6 months).
Yeah, that isn't really feasible when you are bouncing back and forth in and out of foster care and from placement to placement.
I don't know what is wrong with those other doctors, as the ENT says he can see just from looking at them that this has been and on going problem. The doctor even expressed concern on NOT taking them out right away. He said the tonsils are so bad that there is a substantial risk of an abcess forming, a condition that could be life threatening.
So we said "Let's do it! How soon can we schedule the surgery?" Bella was so excited she was bouncing in her chair (an end to pain and feeling terrible!). The doctor said he could get her in within a week or two (Yay!), but did we have the paperwork that says I can approve the procedure? Well, of course I have the Notice to Provider form! (This is the paper that I have to give to every medical professional the girls see, as well as the schools that says I am their foster parent and have the authority to sign paperwork and make basic medical/educational decisions) What? That isn't the form we need?
Turns out we have to have an actual court order before we can even schedule the operation.
So I call their caseworker. She says she will start the paperwork.
I call again a few days later to check on it (this is the only way to make sure things don't sit on someone's desk for extended periods of time...CPS wheels turn slow). She tells me she has filled out the proper forms and submitted everything to the AL. Now it is up to the AL to submit the paperwork to the court.
I do not have contact info for the AL. I do not even know the AL's name. I do not even know what the "AL" is! I am assuming she meant GAL or Guardian ad Litem (This is a person, often an attorney, who is appointed by the court to represent the interests of foster child/children in a particular court case. They are supposed to meet with the kids and get to know their needs and all particulars of the case so that they can best represent and advocate for the children's best interests. They have a huge influence in court. I don't even know if the girls have a GAL.)
Ms. CW told me that as soon as the paperwork went through and the court order was given, the ENT's office would be contacted, and they would in turn contact me.
We are still waiting to hear anything. I have been waiting for Monday so I can call Ms. CW again and hopefully get her to call the AL and find out where the process is at. I will not be surprised if I am told no one knows anything and we just have to wait.
CPS stinks.
Sunday, September 21, 2014
The days march on...
The last couple weeks have been busy with Sunshine and Bee's birthdays just one week apart (we had two very fun, very different parties), soccer practices and games, two family visits (one with bio aunts/uncles/cousins, one with bio dad), miscellaneous appointments, parent/teacher conferences, and an ER visit.
Sunshine woke up with severe back pain Saturday and the ER was our only option. Thankfully they were able to help her without a lot of hassle and we were back home and she was pain free within a few hours. I hate waiting around at the ER, it always stresses me out.
I didn't even get to all the kids' conferences in. I have SIX kids in school and FOUR of them have multiple teachers, and all three schools held their conferences on the same day. It was an impossible task to say the least, but I did my best. Everyone seems to be doing well in school. No one has straight A's by any means, but no one is failing! Honestly, I would like to see C's brought up, but I can be satisfied with a C if they are working as hard as they can.
We still have more appointments to come this next week: ENT for Bella to address ongoing throat/tonsil issues. Sports physical for Bee. Counseling sessions for all three teens. Youth leader meetings for me (I was recently asked to serve as a youth leader for the young women in our church). With a family this large the appointments never end (by the middle of the week they all seem to multiply as well). Mixed in with the appointments is also our last week of Soccer practices and games.
Soccer is almost over! Saturday will be the final tournament games and closing ceremonies! I have to admit I will miss it. Coaching the two little ones' team has actually been pretty fun. It is a joy watching the 3-5 year olds chase the ball around their tiny little field, having a blast! I have also loved cheering on our two older soccer players this year, it has been a fun season all around!
September is almost over, and October has snuck up on us! We are getting geared up for Halloween already (two costumes checked off and put away! Only five more to go...), and I have already started my Christmas shopping in hopes of getting most of it done before the holiday crunch (it also helps the budget to spread out the cost over a few months). I am actually feeling on top of things (holiday related) right now!!
Sunshine woke up with severe back pain Saturday and the ER was our only option. Thankfully they were able to help her without a lot of hassle and we were back home and she was pain free within a few hours. I hate waiting around at the ER, it always stresses me out.
I didn't even get to all the kids' conferences in. I have SIX kids in school and FOUR of them have multiple teachers, and all three schools held their conferences on the same day. It was an impossible task to say the least, but I did my best. Everyone seems to be doing well in school. No one has straight A's by any means, but no one is failing! Honestly, I would like to see C's brought up, but I can be satisfied with a C if they are working as hard as they can.
We still have more appointments to come this next week: ENT for Bella to address ongoing throat/tonsil issues. Sports physical for Bee. Counseling sessions for all three teens. Youth leader meetings for me (I was recently asked to serve as a youth leader for the young women in our church). With a family this large the appointments never end (by the middle of the week they all seem to multiply as well). Mixed in with the appointments is also our last week of Soccer practices and games.
Soccer is almost over! Saturday will be the final tournament games and closing ceremonies! I have to admit I will miss it. Coaching the two little ones' team has actually been pretty fun. It is a joy watching the 3-5 year olds chase the ball around their tiny little field, having a blast! I have also loved cheering on our two older soccer players this year, it has been a fun season all around!
September is almost over, and October has snuck up on us! We are getting geared up for Halloween already (two costumes checked off and put away! Only five more to go...), and I have already started my Christmas shopping in hopes of getting most of it done before the holiday crunch (it also helps the budget to spread out the cost over a few months). I am actually feeling on top of things (holiday related) right now!!
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Birthdays in Foster care
We have one birthday down this month and one to go. So, I am going to take a minute and talk about birthdays for foster kids.
Because birthdays are tricky in foster care.
You never know what is going to happen.
That kid that seems so excited to celebrate may suddenly beg to cancel their party when the grief of spending it away from their birth family hits them. A previously cheerful child may become withdrawn and depressed as a birthday approaches. Your timid and shy child may blossom and glow under the attention and recognition they never before recieved, or they may run and hide and become angry that you are the one who is giving them what they always wanted from their birth parents. There can be laughter, but there will usually also be tears. A birthday is a day of celebration, but it can also be a reminder of loss. I am not saying birthdays shouldn't be celebrated in foster care. They most certainly should be celebrated. It is something that should be approached with sensitivity, compassion, and understanding though.
When planning a party for a foster child, you should always involve the child. Find out what their expectations are and discuss realistically what you can or are willing to provide (some kids will ask for the moon, but settle for ice cream if you explain your budget limitations - other kids will be surprised and thrilled they get their very own party/cake/gifts). Include them in your family's birthday traditions, and ask them if they have any birthday traditions they would like to observe. Be considerate of your child's comfort level; If they get overwhelmed by crowds, keep the party small. If they are nervous around unfamiliar people, only invite family and close friends whom they know well. If they are easily overstimulated, keep decorations, invites, and number of gifts minimal. Plan around your child, and remember this is about them, not showing the world what a great parent you are by throwing an amazing shindig. (honestly this is something I have to remind myself with all my kids' parties. No one is judging! ok...some people are, but why do we care?) If a party isn't in the cards there are many other ways to acknowledge a birthday and make your child feel special; make a special birthday meal (any meal will do! Birthday breakfasts are a huge tradition for many families, but a one-on-one lunch will make any kid feel special and a kid-picked dinner is always a hit.), go on a special outing as a family or as a "date" with just the birthday child, make the child king/queen for the day, etc, etc.
It doesn't really matter what you do, as long as you make your foster child feel special and loved and make sure they know their existence is a reason to celebrate! Respect any feelings of sadness or loss, but encourage (not force) them to celebrate their special day in whatever way is comfortable for them.
Multiple times I have seen a birthday celebration be a turning point or huge leap forward in my relationships with my foster children. This is a chance to show them you care! It doesn't take a lot of money, just some time and maybe a little sacrifice. It is worth whatever you put into it 100x over.
Because birthdays are tricky in foster care.
You never know what is going to happen.
That kid that seems so excited to celebrate may suddenly beg to cancel their party when the grief of spending it away from their birth family hits them. A previously cheerful child may become withdrawn and depressed as a birthday approaches. Your timid and shy child may blossom and glow under the attention and recognition they never before recieved, or they may run and hide and become angry that you are the one who is giving them what they always wanted from their birth parents. There can be laughter, but there will usually also be tears. A birthday is a day of celebration, but it can also be a reminder of loss. I am not saying birthdays shouldn't be celebrated in foster care. They most certainly should be celebrated. It is something that should be approached with sensitivity, compassion, and understanding though.
When planning a party for a foster child, you should always involve the child. Find out what their expectations are and discuss realistically what you can or are willing to provide (some kids will ask for the moon, but settle for ice cream if you explain your budget limitations - other kids will be surprised and thrilled they get their very own party/cake/gifts). Include them in your family's birthday traditions, and ask them if they have any birthday traditions they would like to observe. Be considerate of your child's comfort level; If they get overwhelmed by crowds, keep the party small. If they are nervous around unfamiliar people, only invite family and close friends whom they know well. If they are easily overstimulated, keep decorations, invites, and number of gifts minimal. Plan around your child, and remember this is about them, not showing the world what a great parent you are by throwing an amazing shindig. (honestly this is something I have to remind myself with all my kids' parties. No one is judging! ok...some people are, but why do we care?) If a party isn't in the cards there are many other ways to acknowledge a birthday and make your child feel special; make a special birthday meal (any meal will do! Birthday breakfasts are a huge tradition for many families, but a one-on-one lunch will make any kid feel special and a kid-picked dinner is always a hit.), go on a special outing as a family or as a "date" with just the birthday child, make the child king/queen for the day, etc, etc.
It doesn't really matter what you do, as long as you make your foster child feel special and loved and make sure they know their existence is a reason to celebrate! Respect any feelings of sadness or loss, but encourage (not force) them to celebrate their special day in whatever way is comfortable for them.
Multiple times I have seen a birthday celebration be a turning point or huge leap forward in my relationships with my foster children. This is a chance to show them you care! It doesn't take a lot of money, just some time and maybe a little sacrifice. It is worth whatever you put into it 100x over.
Friday, September 5, 2014
It's Life.
So we have "worked out" the missing stipend check issue. Ha. What that really means is that I jumped through their hoops. I got a form signed and notarized saying I never got my check and that I want a new one, and mailed it off. Now we wait 5-10 business days (hopefully - CPS is not known for being prompt or caring about their own timelines) for them to issue a new one. Which means it will probably get here right around the same time as this months check (or shortly after). Crazy ridiculous. It is amazing how bad the state treats foster parents. I get that not all foster homes are good. There are lots of bad ones. Is that really a good reason to just assume we are ALL bad and should be treated badly though? Even the girls' caseworker agreed we were treated harshly. The payment people were just all so RUDE. Whatever though. We can't change it and I have to get past it. The only other option is to just quit (which honestly, I was very tempted to do this past week). Quitting would throw these three girls back into the broken system though, which would most likely split them up and place at least one of them if not all three into group homes. That would be terrible and traumatic to them all. Group homes are not good places. I am only still in this because I love these girls too much to allow that to happen. I feel so beat down by it all though.
We took a break from it all though and went ahead and took a camping trip over labor day weekend. We camped with my sister and her family and it was a fun family time. Between our two families we had SIX teenagers and eight kids between 11 and 4 years. You would think it would have been chaotic, but instead it was fun and relaxing.
Now we are bracing for two birthdays right on top of each other, and a week full of appointments. With seven kids it never slows down.
We took a break from it all though and went ahead and took a camping trip over labor day weekend. We camped with my sister and her family and it was a fun family time. Between our two families we had SIX teenagers and eight kids between 11 and 4 years. You would think it would have been chaotic, but instead it was fun and relaxing.
Now we are bracing for two birthdays right on top of each other, and a week full of appointments. With seven kids it never slows down.
Thursday, August 28, 2014
Foster Care...the gift that keeps on taking...
Beyond frustrated and angry today. We have yet to receive our stipend check for July. They tell us they mailed it out on the 13th, but it never arrived which means it is probably lost in the mail. You would think they would be able to put a stop payment on the lost check and reissue a new one, but no. Nothing is that simple in the land of CPS. First they must make you feel like a lying criminal. Then they will tell you to wait while they mail you forms to fill out and notarize with your bank (and don't ask them "why" or what these forms are for or they will get very snide and rude and tell you "because that is the process", like that means something). Then you have to wait for their "process" before you get the money they owe you, but they won't actually tell you how long that is going to take. All the while you are taking care of their kids, trying to pay bills and provide food and clothing and school supplies. We have had to borrow money from our families to pay the utility bills and buy groceries because of the extra money we spent on buying school supplies. The everyday needs of three teenage girls do not wait for a check. Sometimes I really, really hate this system. The girls' caseworker is trying to help us out from her side, but I really don't know how much clout she has in this situation, but since I can't reach our caseworker from our licensing agency I will take what help I can get. We don't do this for the money, but the fact is, we can't do this without that money. We just can't afford to support three extra kids without help. The paycheck we get will only stretch so far and I can't hurt my forever kids by allowing them to go without because CPS can't get their act together. We will see how this plays out, but I told the girls' worker if this isn't figured out quickly we are done. This is not the first time we have been put in a difficult financial situation because of CPS delaying money. I love our three teenagers, they are absolutely wonderful, but my forever family has to come first.
Wednesday, July 30, 2014
Summer is drawing to a close
It has been a busy, fun, trying, super emotional summer! We have kept busy with one thing and another since my last post.
Bella did her soccer camp and had a BLAST. The coaches were impressed with her and even though she was the youngest girl there she excelled. We now have her (and 3 of our 4 bios) signed up for AYSO soccer this fall. They should be starting practices this coming week. For the next 8 weeks all Saturdays will now be soccer days! Bella has been looking forward to it ever since her camp ended.
Hubby and I had a training with our agency, and for the first time we let Sunshine, Bee, and Bella babysit our little ones. We were initially told by our agency that they could not ever watch our kids, and that the older girls themselves were not to be left unsupervised for more than an hour or so at a time. This mad things very, very complicated when Hubby and I had to go somewhere, or even if I just needed to go shopping. Let's just say we ran into a lot of "gray area" and even broke the rules a few times out of necessity when it came to leaving one or more of the girls on their own. These girls are 13, 14, and 16 for crying out loud! So, the girls finally asked their caseworker if they could babysit our kids (they had been asking to be allowed to sit for us to earn $$, or to sit for other people). Turns out the state has no regulations against the girls babysitting for us or anyone else. So we decided to give them a chance at it. The kids all did wonderful. The older girls are wonderful babysitters, especially Bee. Our little ones do very well with them. Our caseworker was not thrilled with this change, but she hasn't told us to stop either. That is good enough for me.
The kids and I also attended a Family Fun Day at a nearby lake, hosted by our licensing agency. I took my sister and her two little ones along and we had a super fun day. Sunshine, Bee, and Blondie (bio daughter #1) ended up in the lake when Bee capsized their canoe. Bella was in a nearby boat with my sister and myself and the dog we rescued from their canoe just before Bee got ornery and tipped them kind of accidentally on purpose. It was pretty hilarious. The whole day was tons of fun.
We finished up all the dental, medical, and vision appointments.
Right after our Colorado vacation Bee surprised us by asking to meet with the missionaries from our church to learn more about what we believe. (The girls have all been going to church with us every Sunday since they came to live here. They have been raised as Christian, but have attended various denominations so were not specifically affiliated with any particular sect. We gave them the option of going with us or finding another church they liked in the area and they all opted to just attend with us. We are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, commonly known as Mormon.) We put her off until we could speak to her caseworker, as we have always been told that religious issues must always involve the bio parents. Her caseworker told us differently. According to her the girls are old enough to make their own decisions about religion and the state would allow them to do so without parental permission. Bee wanted to move ahead right away, but we insisted she talk to her father first out of respect. He gave begrudging "permission" and we set up the lessons for her. Bee quickly moved through the lessons and soon asked to be baptized a member of our church. I have to say here that we put NO pressure on her to make these decisions. We support her decisions, and we encourage her to follow her heart and conscience, but we have never done more than answer questions she brought to us and follow her lead. Again we asked her caseworker if she needed permission to be baptized, and again she told us the decision was completely Bee's. We still had her call her dad and tell him out of respect. He was not happy, but she stood her ground and he eventually wished her happiness in her decision, though he made it clear he did not agree with or like her decision. It was a tense conversation. She stayed calm throughout though and never wavered from her choice. She is a girl who knows her own mind and is never afraid to go her own way. Her baptism was a sweet spiritual experience.
We also experienced a family loss this summer. My husband's younger brother passed away in result of a terrible car accident. The weeks following his death have been a trial, and the older girls have been a blessing. Only a couple days after his passing the girls had plans to attend Girls' Camp with the other young women in our church. A good friend helped me get them ready and off to camp, then hubby and our bio kids and I headed out to my in-laws home to spend time with his family prior to the funeral. My mother then picked the girls up from camp on her way to the funeral and brought them to us. We gave the girls the option of staying at the house rather than attending the services, but they came and supported us and helped out with the little ones. Their presence was touching and much appreciated.
Now we are in the midst of back to school preparations! We already got our shopping out of the way for Blondie and Freckles (bio daughter #2), but are waiting on a state check before setting out for the older girls. They will get $80 each for school supplies and $75 for clothes, and anything they don't use for supplies out of the $80 will also go toward new clothes. It doesn't seem like much, but it is more than we are spending on our bio kids this year (The bio kids only get one or two new outfits this year as they don't really need any new clothes but I like to get them something new for the first day or two of school so they have that new school year excitement.) We have only a week and a half until school starts here, so hopefully the checks arrive sooner rather than later.
I say a week and a half, but that is only for MOST of the kids. Bee will actually be doing online school this year! We are starting her in Primavara in hopes of allowing her to make up credits so that she can catch up to her peer group. Everyone who knows her agrees, she should NOT be in 8th grade this year (by everyone I particularly mean her caseworker, her therapist, and her teachers, but also her church group leaders, as well as her friends and other adults that know her well would agree.) Socially and emotionally she is far beyond the kids she goes to school with. She was held back in early elementary school, but rather than progressing socially with her school grade peers she passed them up (likely due to her home circumstances). She is also a September baby so she will turn 15 right after school starts. How hard to be a 15 year old 8th grader, especially when you are already more mature than most 15 year olds! She still has to meet her academic goals though, so online school is her only option to not "be" in middle school while all her friends move on to high school (or continue in high school as most of her friends are 15-17 years old). She will also have the chance to use their accelerated program to "catch up" if she is willing to work really hard this year. She may be able to move on to her Sophmore year next year, or at least move into her Freshman year with extra credits towards graduation. That is her goal; graduating with her peers rather than a year behind them. It is all dependent on how much she is willing to apply herself. The conditions her caseworker gave us when she approved the online schooling was that if she starts to fall behind she HAS to go back to the traditional school. I think she has what it takes though and will excel this year.
So, tomorrow morning we are off on our last summer adventure: a family campout! Three days of wilderness bonding and together time. It will be the perfect end to our crazy Summer.
Bella did her soccer camp and had a BLAST. The coaches were impressed with her and even though she was the youngest girl there she excelled. We now have her (and 3 of our 4 bios) signed up for AYSO soccer this fall. They should be starting practices this coming week. For the next 8 weeks all Saturdays will now be soccer days! Bella has been looking forward to it ever since her camp ended.
Hubby and I had a training with our agency, and for the first time we let Sunshine, Bee, and Bella babysit our little ones. We were initially told by our agency that they could not ever watch our kids, and that the older girls themselves were not to be left unsupervised for more than an hour or so at a time. This mad things very, very complicated when Hubby and I had to go somewhere, or even if I just needed to go shopping. Let's just say we ran into a lot of "gray area" and even broke the rules a few times out of necessity when it came to leaving one or more of the girls on their own. These girls are 13, 14, and 16 for crying out loud! So, the girls finally asked their caseworker if they could babysit our kids (they had been asking to be allowed to sit for us to earn $$, or to sit for other people). Turns out the state has no regulations against the girls babysitting for us or anyone else. So we decided to give them a chance at it. The kids all did wonderful. The older girls are wonderful babysitters, especially Bee. Our little ones do very well with them. Our caseworker was not thrilled with this change, but she hasn't told us to stop either. That is good enough for me.
The kids and I also attended a Family Fun Day at a nearby lake, hosted by our licensing agency. I took my sister and her two little ones along and we had a super fun day. Sunshine, Bee, and Blondie (bio daughter #1) ended up in the lake when Bee capsized their canoe. Bella was in a nearby boat with my sister and myself and the dog we rescued from their canoe just before Bee got ornery and tipped them kind of accidentally on purpose. It was pretty hilarious. The whole day was tons of fun.
We finished up all the dental, medical, and vision appointments.
Right after our Colorado vacation Bee surprised us by asking to meet with the missionaries from our church to learn more about what we believe. (The girls have all been going to church with us every Sunday since they came to live here. They have been raised as Christian, but have attended various denominations so were not specifically affiliated with any particular sect. We gave them the option of going with us or finding another church they liked in the area and they all opted to just attend with us. We are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, commonly known as Mormon.) We put her off until we could speak to her caseworker, as we have always been told that religious issues must always involve the bio parents. Her caseworker told us differently. According to her the girls are old enough to make their own decisions about religion and the state would allow them to do so without parental permission. Bee wanted to move ahead right away, but we insisted she talk to her father first out of respect. He gave begrudging "permission" and we set up the lessons for her. Bee quickly moved through the lessons and soon asked to be baptized a member of our church. I have to say here that we put NO pressure on her to make these decisions. We support her decisions, and we encourage her to follow her heart and conscience, but we have never done more than answer questions she brought to us and follow her lead. Again we asked her caseworker if she needed permission to be baptized, and again she told us the decision was completely Bee's. We still had her call her dad and tell him out of respect. He was not happy, but she stood her ground and he eventually wished her happiness in her decision, though he made it clear he did not agree with or like her decision. It was a tense conversation. She stayed calm throughout though and never wavered from her choice. She is a girl who knows her own mind and is never afraid to go her own way. Her baptism was a sweet spiritual experience.
We also experienced a family loss this summer. My husband's younger brother passed away in result of a terrible car accident. The weeks following his death have been a trial, and the older girls have been a blessing. Only a couple days after his passing the girls had plans to attend Girls' Camp with the other young women in our church. A good friend helped me get them ready and off to camp, then hubby and our bio kids and I headed out to my in-laws home to spend time with his family prior to the funeral. My mother then picked the girls up from camp on her way to the funeral and brought them to us. We gave the girls the option of staying at the house rather than attending the services, but they came and supported us and helped out with the little ones. Their presence was touching and much appreciated.
Now we are in the midst of back to school preparations! We already got our shopping out of the way for Blondie and Freckles (bio daughter #2), but are waiting on a state check before setting out for the older girls. They will get $80 each for school supplies and $75 for clothes, and anything they don't use for supplies out of the $80 will also go toward new clothes. It doesn't seem like much, but it is more than we are spending on our bio kids this year (The bio kids only get one or two new outfits this year as they don't really need any new clothes but I like to get them something new for the first day or two of school so they have that new school year excitement.) We have only a week and a half until school starts here, so hopefully the checks arrive sooner rather than later.
I say a week and a half, but that is only for MOST of the kids. Bee will actually be doing online school this year! We are starting her in Primavara in hopes of allowing her to make up credits so that she can catch up to her peer group. Everyone who knows her agrees, she should NOT be in 8th grade this year (by everyone I particularly mean her caseworker, her therapist, and her teachers, but also her church group leaders, as well as her friends and other adults that know her well would agree.) Socially and emotionally she is far beyond the kids she goes to school with. She was held back in early elementary school, but rather than progressing socially with her school grade peers she passed them up (likely due to her home circumstances). She is also a September baby so she will turn 15 right after school starts. How hard to be a 15 year old 8th grader, especially when you are already more mature than most 15 year olds! She still has to meet her academic goals though, so online school is her only option to not "be" in middle school while all her friends move on to high school (or continue in high school as most of her friends are 15-17 years old). She will also have the chance to use their accelerated program to "catch up" if she is willing to work really hard this year. She may be able to move on to her Sophmore year next year, or at least move into her Freshman year with extra credits towards graduation. That is her goal; graduating with her peers rather than a year behind them. It is all dependent on how much she is willing to apply herself. The conditions her caseworker gave us when she approved the online schooling was that if she starts to fall behind she HAS to go back to the traditional school. I think she has what it takes though and will excel this year.
So, tomorrow morning we are off on our last summer adventure: a family campout! Three days of wilderness bonding and together time. It will be the perfect end to our crazy Summer.
Thursday, June 12, 2014
Home from Vacation, and back to Real Life!
Yesterday was our first full day home from vacation. It was almost back to normal. Hubby was sweet enough to get our two Summer schoolers where they needed to be on his way to take the four-wheelers we borrowed back to his parents home.
The other kids got up and got started on their chores right away. "Why?" you ask, are they so eager to do chores? Well, before vacation we instituted a new policy. We change the wi-fi password every night, and we don't give it out until they have finished their chores the next day. Bee found the idea on facebook and suggested we try it (She was our only non complainer about chores previously). It works amazingly well, especially since this applies to the TVs as well.
I started to unpack (still some stuff waiting for today), start laundry (piles remain), and make order out of the chaos that always comes from the packing and unpacking of a vacation. We still have a ways to go.
Our vacation was a success though. We had a lot of fun together. We played lots of games, explored the area around the cabin, rode four-wheelers, went on an excursion to Mesa Verde national park to see the Indian ruins there, roasted marshmallows and had smores, put together a few puzzles, watched a few movies, and generally enjoyed each others' company. It was great. We tried to go swimming too, but of the three swimming holes on the property; one was mostly dried up, and the other two were brown and full of algae and weeds, and we couldn't get the kids to do more than wade along the edges. We did see lots of animal prints around the water which was cool. The kids were in love with the racoon tracks.
The older girls had a lot of new experiences while we were there, but their favorite was definitely the four-wheelers. After getting the go-ahead from their caseworker we taught them how to drive them safely, although Bella had one minor mishap that scared everyone a bit but taught the girls respect for the machines. She got banged up a bit, but fortunately nothing more serious than a few bruises. Afterward they were all three more cautious and concientious.
We all got worn out in a good way.
Now we just have to take a few days to recover, although the busy has already grabbed us again.
Yesterday was the Report and Review hearing for the girls' case. We listened in by phone so we didn't have to leave the house, but it was a draining experience. Sunshines bio dad has officially asked for TPR (termination of parental rights). This is a process that will leave her as a legal orphan. She still has her sisters and their dad is her "dad", as he is the one who raised her. The legal problem is that there is very little chance that CPS will be able to place her with him because he is not a legal relative, which means he would have to be licensed to foster/adopt her. There is very little chance he will be eligible for that. If he were in AZ they might be able to fudge it a bit and allow it, but he is in Nevada and that requires interstate paperwork. Nevada is very unlikely to allow it to happen. So, now we are preparing her for what comes next. Most likely that will be either aging out of the system in just over a year, or emancipation so she can go to Nevada when/if her sisters do. Heavy stuff for a 16 year old to deal with. The other two had to deal with the reality that they will be here at LEAST another three months, possibly longer if their dad does not work his butt off to complete the list of requirements he has been given to show he is capable of caring for the girls. This will not be easy. He is almost 60 years old and has just had multiple back surgeries. We are praying for him, but it is not going to be an easy road.
Today we have a CFT. Another phone conference. We will discuss what happened at court yesterday as well as the usual stuff. It should be interesting. Then, later this afternoon Sunshine has another dental appointment. They are finishing up the work she needed done, so hopefully this will be her last one for awhile.
The kids and I get the weekend to ourselves (Hubby left for work for a few days), then Monday we have a home visit from the girls' caseworker, and then they have a visit with their dad immediately afterward. This visit will be here in town, at the library and/or park, by the girls' request. (Next visit will likely be in another town half way between here and dad's home, which means the girls will have to travel a few hours). Hubby will also be home Monday, so we have a few errands that will need taken care of then. Tuesday and Wednesday Bella will be attending soccer camp (got to get her registered today!).
We continue to speed through our Summer break. September will be here before we know it!
*I should add here that a few days after school got out we got a letter in the mail letting us know that Sunshine was being given the chance to do Summer school in order to complete one of her online courses. She started both her online courses when she got here and had only six weeks to do an entire year worth of assignments. She completed her math course quickly, but got hung up on the science course and we thought the credit was lost. How wonderful that she gets to keep going and complete it! Being able to focus exclusively on the one course had allowed her to zoom through the assignments and she is almost done!
I started to unpack (still some stuff waiting for today), start laundry (piles remain), and make order out of the chaos that always comes from the packing and unpacking of a vacation. We still have a ways to go.
Our vacation was a success though. We had a lot of fun together. We played lots of games, explored the area around the cabin, rode four-wheelers, went on an excursion to Mesa Verde national park to see the Indian ruins there, roasted marshmallows and had smores, put together a few puzzles, watched a few movies, and generally enjoyed each others' company. It was great. We tried to go swimming too, but of the three swimming holes on the property; one was mostly dried up, and the other two were brown and full of algae and weeds, and we couldn't get the kids to do more than wade along the edges. We did see lots of animal prints around the water which was cool. The kids were in love with the racoon tracks.
The older girls had a lot of new experiences while we were there, but their favorite was definitely the four-wheelers. After getting the go-ahead from their caseworker we taught them how to drive them safely, although Bella had one minor mishap that scared everyone a bit but taught the girls respect for the machines. She got banged up a bit, but fortunately nothing more serious than a few bruises. Afterward they were all three more cautious and concientious.
We all got worn out in a good way.
Now we just have to take a few days to recover, although the busy has already grabbed us again.
Yesterday was the Report and Review hearing for the girls' case. We listened in by phone so we didn't have to leave the house, but it was a draining experience. Sunshines bio dad has officially asked for TPR (termination of parental rights). This is a process that will leave her as a legal orphan. She still has her sisters and their dad is her "dad", as he is the one who raised her. The legal problem is that there is very little chance that CPS will be able to place her with him because he is not a legal relative, which means he would have to be licensed to foster/adopt her. There is very little chance he will be eligible for that. If he were in AZ they might be able to fudge it a bit and allow it, but he is in Nevada and that requires interstate paperwork. Nevada is very unlikely to allow it to happen. So, now we are preparing her for what comes next. Most likely that will be either aging out of the system in just over a year, or emancipation so she can go to Nevada when/if her sisters do. Heavy stuff for a 16 year old to deal with. The other two had to deal with the reality that they will be here at LEAST another three months, possibly longer if their dad does not work his butt off to complete the list of requirements he has been given to show he is capable of caring for the girls. This will not be easy. He is almost 60 years old and has just had multiple back surgeries. We are praying for him, but it is not going to be an easy road.
Today we have a CFT. Another phone conference. We will discuss what happened at court yesterday as well as the usual stuff. It should be interesting. Then, later this afternoon Sunshine has another dental appointment. They are finishing up the work she needed done, so hopefully this will be her last one for awhile.
The kids and I get the weekend to ourselves (Hubby left for work for a few days), then Monday we have a home visit from the girls' caseworker, and then they have a visit with their dad immediately afterward. This visit will be here in town, at the library and/or park, by the girls' request. (Next visit will likely be in another town half way between here and dad's home, which means the girls will have to travel a few hours). Hubby will also be home Monday, so we have a few errands that will need taken care of then. Tuesday and Wednesday Bella will be attending soccer camp (got to get her registered today!).
We continue to speed through our Summer break. September will be here before we know it!
Tuesday, May 27, 2014
School is officially out!
Okay, so it has been out for almost a week now but I am barely getting around to blogging about it (but then, I haven't blogged about anything for awhile).
Funny how I thought that once end-of-school activities were over I would have all this down time and things would slow down. We are not slow at all! It has been non-stop go all month and shows no signs of letting up. We have lots of fun Summer plans (lots of memories to be made!), and mingled with CPS plans (family visits, home visits, counseling appointments, etc) we aregoing to be busy, busy, busy!
This week we took a visit to spend some time with Hubby while he was working. He works out of town, so is only home off and on (roughly half the month), so a couple months ago we finally got him an apartment near his work. We (the kids and I) hadn't had the chance to visit and see the new place so we took a few days and went and stayed with him. It was nice because this would have been time we normally wouldn't have seen him for about a week. We swam, climbed a rock wall (so much scarier than I thought it would be!), and just hung out. It was good fun family bonding time. In the evenings Hubby came home and was equally delighted and overwhelmed by having the whole brood in his personal space (did I mention the new apartment is only a two-bedroom? NO ESCAPE!). Craziness and good times. A few drama moments. Some teen moments. But a pretty good time.
Then home again and we began/continued the process of getting Bee ready for the pioneer trek. Our church does a handcart pioneer trek for the youth that lasts four days and as soon as Bee heard about it she was enthusiastic about participating (Bella isn't old enough and Sunshine was not interested). We had to get the Dr. to sign off on her going due to medical issues and for a while we were doubtful about if it was going to happen. She was upset and angry. It is hard to be 14 with medical restrictions on your physical activities. I was happy we got the go ahead in the end, as this could give her the opportunity to show that she can do more than she has been allowed to do. Other than the Dr approval we had to gather all the necessary clothing and gear, as well as complete a four mile walk in under an hour (All participants were required to complete the walk to show they were fit enough for the physical demands of pushing a handcart up to 16 miles a day). Thursday we drive 45 minutes to counseling appointments for Bella and Bee, then Bee leaves for the Trek Friday and she is excited as can be.
I have also spent the last couple days cleaning a few neglected areas of the house (my bedroom and bathroom, the little girls bedroom oh, my!, mounds of laundry, etc.) so that we will be ready to go on our family vacation to a cabin in Colorado for five days. Everyone is excited about going! Hanging out, hiking, swimming, biking, maybe even fishing. We'll see what happens.
We will leave two days after Bee gets back from the trek.
This will also be two days after bio#2 starts summer school. She will miss a couple of days, and hopefully this will not cause too much of a fuss. She needs the Summer school, but she is already a mess about how "not fair" it is that she has to go to school when everyone else doesn't. If we were to postpone or cancel the trip due to school it will go very hard on all of us. The whole family is looking forward to this trip and so this is where we have a balancing act of what needs to happen with what may cause more problems. We already had a full on multiple melt down when we had to cancel one family get away with extended family due to extended family insensitivities to CPS regulations and refusal to acknowledge our foster girls as actual family members (still too miffed myself to write a post on that one, although it is very pertinent to foster care...its on my to do list...FYI, No, wecan't won't "just get respite for them" because finding room for them is inconvenient).
When we get back we have a couple days before our scheduled CFT, then a home visit from the girl's caseworker as well as a visit with bio dad for the girls.
Then some sports clinics for Bee and Bella, and a couple pic-nics with our licensing agency to wrap up June.
We have a few things scheduled from there, but I just can't think that far ahead yet. We also have to fit a camping trip in somewhere this Summer (who was the crazy person who promised the kids camping!? Oh...me...sigh).
Funny how I thought that once end-of-school activities were over I would have all this down time and things would slow down. We are not slow at all! It has been non-stop go all month and shows no signs of letting up. We have lots of fun Summer plans (lots of memories to be made!), and mingled with CPS plans (family visits, home visits, counseling appointments, etc) we are
This week we took a visit to spend some time with Hubby while he was working. He works out of town, so is only home off and on (roughly half the month), so a couple months ago we finally got him an apartment near his work. We (the kids and I) hadn't had the chance to visit and see the new place so we took a few days and went and stayed with him. It was nice because this would have been time we normally wouldn't have seen him for about a week. We swam, climbed a rock wall (so much scarier than I thought it would be!), and just hung out. It was good fun family bonding time. In the evenings Hubby came home and was equally delighted and overwhelmed by having the whole brood in his personal space (did I mention the new apartment is only a two-bedroom? NO ESCAPE!). Craziness and good times. A few drama moments. Some teen moments. But a pretty good time.
Then home again and we began/continued the process of getting Bee ready for the pioneer trek. Our church does a handcart pioneer trek for the youth that lasts four days and as soon as Bee heard about it she was enthusiastic about participating (Bella isn't old enough and Sunshine was not interested). We had to get the Dr. to sign off on her going due to medical issues and for a while we were doubtful about if it was going to happen. She was upset and angry. It is hard to be 14 with medical restrictions on your physical activities. I was happy we got the go ahead in the end, as this could give her the opportunity to show that she can do more than she has been allowed to do. Other than the Dr approval we had to gather all the necessary clothing and gear, as well as complete a four mile walk in under an hour (All participants were required to complete the walk to show they were fit enough for the physical demands of pushing a handcart up to 16 miles a day). Thursday we drive 45 minutes to counseling appointments for Bella and Bee, then Bee leaves for the Trek Friday and she is excited as can be.
I have also spent the last couple days cleaning a few neglected areas of the house (my bedroom and bathroom, the little girls bedroom oh, my!, mounds of laundry, etc.) so that we will be ready to go on our family vacation to a cabin in Colorado for five days. Everyone is excited about going! Hanging out, hiking, swimming, biking, maybe even fishing. We'll see what happens.
We will leave two days after Bee gets back from the trek.
This will also be two days after bio#2 starts summer school. She will miss a couple of days, and hopefully this will not cause too much of a fuss. She needs the Summer school, but she is already a mess about how "not fair" it is that she has to go to school when everyone else doesn't. If we were to postpone or cancel the trip due to school it will go very hard on all of us. The whole family is looking forward to this trip and so this is where we have a balancing act of what needs to happen with what may cause more problems. We already had a full on multiple melt down when we had to cancel one family get away with extended family due to extended family insensitivities to CPS regulations and refusal to acknowledge our foster girls as actual family members (still too miffed myself to write a post on that one, although it is very pertinent to foster care...its on my to do list...FYI, No, we
When we get back we have a couple days before our scheduled CFT, then a home visit from the girl's caseworker as well as a visit with bio dad for the girls.
Then some sports clinics for Bee and Bella, and a couple pic-nics with our licensing agency to wrap up June.
We have a few things scheduled from there, but I just can't think that far ahead yet. We also have to fit a camping trip in somewhere this Summer (who was the crazy person who promised the kids camping!? Oh...me...sigh).
Monday, May 5, 2014
Getting back to "normal"
So, the lice are mostly eradicated. Four out of six heads were completely clear of lice as of last night. The other two only had a couple eggs, which is far less than on previous nightly head checks and easy to remove. Hopefully this means we will be completely lice free within a few days. Nightly head checks will continue for the next week or so, then if everyone stays clear we will move to every few days, and eventually weekly. For the forseeable future that is our new normal. Never again will I take a lice free head of hair for granted!
In all this head checking (time consuming!!) and other crazy the house got away from us, so now it is time to bring all the chaos back under control. The girls are all back to school today so I will be working to reduce the mess in each "chore area" today, then the kids will be able to finish up when they do their regular chores this afternoon. They each have one daily chore which rotates. Over this past week chore completion got very spotty while I was distracted by other things and everyone took advantage of that. I have to say I am sick to death of getting dirty looks when I bring up chores! Before the lice we were in a pretty good routine and griping was kept to a minimum, but you know what they say about giving inches and taking miles. Now its time to jump back into a routine and keep on it. I will not be popular over the next few days! lol
Getting back into routine is going to be challenging but essential because tomorrow starts our "normal" crazy type week with appointments, field trips, a concert, and a luncheon. Friday Sunshine, Bee, and Bella have a visit with their family and will be gone all day. Then we will do it again the next week. May is a crazy month for any family with end of school activities, but mix it up with all the complicated mess of CPS and it becomes ridiculous! If we can survive this month summer should bring some much needed down time.
In all this head checking (time consuming!!) and other crazy the house got away from us, so now it is time to bring all the chaos back under control. The girls are all back to school today so I will be working to reduce the mess in each "chore area" today, then the kids will be able to finish up when they do their regular chores this afternoon. They each have one daily chore which rotates. Over this past week chore completion got very spotty while I was distracted by other things and everyone took advantage of that. I have to say I am sick to death of getting dirty looks when I bring up chores! Before the lice we were in a pretty good routine and griping was kept to a minimum, but you know what they say about giving inches and taking miles. Now its time to jump back into a routine and keep on it. I will not be popular over the next few days! lol
Getting back into routine is going to be challenging but essential because tomorrow starts our "normal" crazy type week with appointments, field trips, a concert, and a luncheon. Friday Sunshine, Bee, and Bella have a visit with their family and will be gone all day. Then we will do it again the next week. May is a crazy month for any family with end of school activities, but mix it up with all the complicated mess of CPS and it becomes ridiculous! If we can survive this month summer should bring some much needed down time.
Thursday, May 1, 2014
Guess what I have been doing all day...
(Do not ask me why the picture is sideways...I rotated it, I cropped it, I edited...and yet here it sits in its original form...sideways. and I am too tired to care any more)
This morning I discovered a nightmare in my little girl's hair. Turns out that nightmare inhabited ALL SIX heads of girl hair in our home. Uhhhgg!! (Little Mr. escaped with only one little live louse which was quickly taken care of by shaving off all his hair)
So we all spent the day at home delousing and nit picking. NOT MY IDEA OF FUN. Although we did manage to work in a lot of laughter and good family time. Can you bond over vermin?? Apparently you can. hahaha!
Thankfully Sunshine, Bee, and Bella were amazingly helpful. They did all three of the younger girls' hair on their own (they volunteered as they have experience with lice, and up til now I did not!). Meanwhile I ran around gathering bedding to be washed, running to the store for one product and another, and trying to make sense of the chaos that had befallen. Munchkins #1 and #3 were relatively quick and easy (about 45 minutes each), but munchkin #2 has thicker hair and a far worse infestation. She was in the combing chair for 2 HOURS. She was a trooper.
The older girls hair wasn't too bad except for poor Bella. The worst case by far, and it took about 2 hours with two to three of us working at a time. She felt so bad, and I was sad for her! This was not her fault. We believe it likely started with her, probably picked up at the group home they were at before coming here, but we can never really know for sure where they came from, and she isn't to blame. No one is. Lice happens everywhere. It happens to clean people as well as dirty people, rich, poor, in between. No one is immune...especially if you have children who attend public school or headstart, or if you do foster care. It is actually surprising that we never had to deal with lice when we did foster care in the past. It is a common problem and we were told to be prepared and look out for it. It still snuck in!
The bad thing is that there IS a STIGMA, and I just hope the kids at school don't make an issue of it for any of our kids if they hear about it (and it is a small town).
Lice is not nice...it is terrible and exhausting. I am still washing load after load of bedding while my kids sleep in their super clean sanitized beds with their super clean, (hopefully) lice free hair. My brain has shut down, so this post may not make a lot of sense. Thankfully, tomorrow Hubby gets home and will jump in with helping on daily comb outs and inspections for a few days.
We will be hypervigilant for the the next month to make sure nothing survives to re-infest the house!
One bright spot: We treated my hair as well (school nurse and pharmacist said to treat everyone in the house), but I did not have a single nit nor louse! Little miracle there as I am not sure how it is even possible. Thanking the Man Upstairs for that small blessing!
Wednesday, April 23, 2014
Junior High is tough
I got a call this morning from the school asking me to come in for a conference. Bee had a run in with one of her teachers in which lots of attitude was exchanged.
(Of course I only got one side of the story over the phone.)
We were dealing with a male teacher, and one that I knew would respond better to another male, so I took hubby along. I also wanted him to speak to Bee first before we came into the conference. They have bonded lately and she really responds well to him. I was also used to threaten her ("if you don't change your attitude...I'll have to call your foster mom to come pick you up"), so I figured she might shut down when she saw me. It ended up being a good call both ways.
I hate teachers with control issues and condescending attitudes. Just saying.
We talked, he lectured, she scowled, he left. Then we had a good conversation with her about dealing civilly with people in authority who aren't very nice and you don't like. Like teachers, and later, bosses. She didn't like it, but she is smart and saw the truth of it. I think it helped her to know that we agreed with her opinion of the teacher. After he left we asked the vice principal (who happens to be a personal friend) to sit down with us and we spoke to her about some specific issues Bee has with this teacher. She was able to offer some ways that Bee could deal with the issues in a direct but respectful manner. She is also going to work on getting Bee a plan in place to help with her learning challenges.
Then, we talked about another issue Bee has been dealing with. Bullies. She has been dealing with a couple girls who have been harassing her in the halls and in the two classes they have together. She has handled it very well so far. Honestly she is totally capable of knocking both of them on their hind ends and getting them off her back that way. She really wanted to do so. But she has chosen not to. Instead she brought her problem to the attention of the school counselor, myself, and the VP. We all agree she is showing great self restraint, especially considering all the other emotional weight she is currently dealing with. The problem has continued though, despite efforts by the VP to put an end to it. So today we discussed it more and in the process found the possible root of the problem; a conversation and a tactless (but well intentioned) comment. Bee was clueless about what caused the hostility at first, but once we got her talking and heard about the exchange and pointed out how it might have embarrassed the other girl and made her angry she was quick to put the pieces together. When I picked her up from school she told me she had taken the VP's advice and went to the other girl and apologized. They made up and "are friends again" and later the girl's BFF (the meaner of the two) ceased hostilities and even went so far as to apologize herself! Bully problem solved! I was so so proud of Bee. She really showed her character through the whole thing. It was a tough situation, and she really handled it well.
In all we spent over two hours at the school sorting things out. I had forgotten how rough junior high can be, but today was a huge reminder. It shows just how great these girls of mine are.
(Of course I only got one side of the story over the phone.)
We were dealing with a male teacher, and one that I knew would respond better to another male, so I took hubby along. I also wanted him to speak to Bee first before we came into the conference. They have bonded lately and she really responds well to him. I was also used to threaten her ("if you don't change your attitude...I'll have to call your foster mom to come pick you up"), so I figured she might shut down when she saw me. It ended up being a good call both ways.
I hate teachers with control issues and condescending attitudes. Just saying.
We talked, he lectured, she scowled, he left. Then we had a good conversation with her about dealing civilly with people in authority who aren't very nice and you don't like. Like teachers, and later, bosses. She didn't like it, but she is smart and saw the truth of it. I think it helped her to know that we agreed with her opinion of the teacher. After he left we asked the vice principal (who happens to be a personal friend) to sit down with us and we spoke to her about some specific issues Bee has with this teacher. She was able to offer some ways that Bee could deal with the issues in a direct but respectful manner. She is also going to work on getting Bee a plan in place to help with her learning challenges.
Then, we talked about another issue Bee has been dealing with. Bullies. She has been dealing with a couple girls who have been harassing her in the halls and in the two classes they have together. She has handled it very well so far. Honestly she is totally capable of knocking both of them on their hind ends and getting them off her back that way. She really wanted to do so. But she has chosen not to. Instead she brought her problem to the attention of the school counselor, myself, and the VP. We all agree she is showing great self restraint, especially considering all the other emotional weight she is currently dealing with. The problem has continued though, despite efforts by the VP to put an end to it. So today we discussed it more and in the process found the possible root of the problem; a conversation and a tactless (but well intentioned) comment. Bee was clueless about what caused the hostility at first, but once we got her talking and heard about the exchange and pointed out how it might have embarrassed the other girl and made her angry she was quick to put the pieces together. When I picked her up from school she told me she had taken the VP's advice and went to the other girl and apologized. They made up and "are friends again" and later the girl's BFF (the meaner of the two) ceased hostilities and even went so far as to apologize herself! Bully problem solved! I was so so proud of Bee. She really showed her character through the whole thing. It was a tough situation, and she really handled it well.
In all we spent over two hours at the school sorting things out. I had forgotten how rough junior high can be, but today was a huge reminder. It shows just how great these girls of mine are.
Tuesday, April 22, 2014
CFT
So, the CFT was actually last week, but I am finally getting around to posting about it here. For those not in the foster care world: CFT stands for Child Family Team meeting. The meeting takes place either in person or, as in our case, over the phone. All the adults involved in the case (bio parents, foster parents, caseworker, mental health people, etc) get together and talk about the case and the needs of the children. I have not participated in very many of these meetings (our county is not very good about involving foster parents in ANYTHING), so I wasn't quite sure what to expect. The phone conference was a little awkward, but Ms. CW did a good job of mediating and making sure everyone got a chance to be heard and everyone was polite and calm. The first big surprise of the meeting was that Sunshine's bio dad was present, along with a lawyer to represent him. He has not EVER been involved in her life. She has only met him twice in her life. We did not expect him to involve himself with her CPS case at all, so it was a bit of a shocker to us and to Bella and Bee's bio dad, who raised Sunshine from the time she was about 3mos old. It could have gotten a bit ugly, but everything stayed civil.
I was given the chance to report on the girls and how they are doing (all positive), and pass along a few requests from the bio family that they asked about at the memorial. One of those was for possible placement (not likely to happen due to past history, but they want to try). Bio dad for Bella and Bee weighed in and expressed his desire that the girls stay with us until he can take them. I was a bit surprised. He feels his girls are "happy and thriving" with us and he would rather they stay here then go to family. I think there is a lot going on in the family relationships we don't know about. We were ready to support the goal of kinship care, but with both BD and the girls preferring they stay with us we are likely to have them for at least the next six months. That is how long it will be before he can be considered for placement.
Another surprise; Sunshine's BD (let's call him BD#2) wanted to know why his home hadn't had a home study done. The implication was that he wants to be considered for placement. I assume he means for Sunshine only, but that is not totally clear as he wasn't able to say much more before Ms. CW cut him off and said they would speak about it in a private call after the CFT. I assume she wanted to get details before this was brought into open discussion with BD#1 involved. It could have gotten heated, and for little reason. If Sunshine doesn't want to live with BD#2 there is little chance of a placement. So far she has refused his requests for phone visitation, although she did accept his facebook friend request. The mental health staff member and I both encouraged BD#2 to work on his relationship with Sunshine via facebook, but to not pressure her. Sunshine seemed confused, but pleased when she told us about the friend request, so there may be hope for developing some kind of relationship. It may never be a traditional father/daughter relationship, but a healthy grown up relationship with her bio roots would be good for Sunshine.
A few other details were discussed, then the call ended.
Relatively painless. Much more surprising than expected.
I was given the chance to report on the girls and how they are doing (all positive), and pass along a few requests from the bio family that they asked about at the memorial. One of those was for possible placement (not likely to happen due to past history, but they want to try). Bio dad for Bella and Bee weighed in and expressed his desire that the girls stay with us until he can take them. I was a bit surprised. He feels his girls are "happy and thriving" with us and he would rather they stay here then go to family. I think there is a lot going on in the family relationships we don't know about. We were ready to support the goal of kinship care, but with both BD and the girls preferring they stay with us we are likely to have them for at least the next six months. That is how long it will be before he can be considered for placement.
Another surprise; Sunshine's BD (let's call him BD#2) wanted to know why his home hadn't had a home study done. The implication was that he wants to be considered for placement. I assume he means for Sunshine only, but that is not totally clear as he wasn't able to say much more before Ms. CW cut him off and said they would speak about it in a private call after the CFT. I assume she wanted to get details before this was brought into open discussion with BD#1 involved. It could have gotten heated, and for little reason. If Sunshine doesn't want to live with BD#2 there is little chance of a placement. So far she has refused his requests for phone visitation, although she did accept his facebook friend request. The mental health staff member and I both encouraged BD#2 to work on his relationship with Sunshine via facebook, but to not pressure her. Sunshine seemed confused, but pleased when she told us about the friend request, so there may be hope for developing some kind of relationship. It may never be a traditional father/daughter relationship, but a healthy grown up relationship with her bio roots would be good for Sunshine.
A few other details were discussed, then the call ended.
Relatively painless. Much more surprising than expected.
Tuesday, April 15, 2014
Vision appointments, caseworker visit, a road trip, and a memorial service...
It has been a crazy few days.
Friday morning we had a visit from the girls' new caseworker (if you are keeping track, this makes caseworker #3 since they came into our care four weeks ago). It was a bit strange, but not unpleasant. She was very nice and spent quite a while talking with the girls. She has been working the case alongside their last caseworker for a week or so, so she is familiar with the case but this is her first time to actually meet the girls. She had to drive almost 6 hours to get here so that is not as strange as it sounds. One of the perks of such a distant placement is we don't have CPS constantly in our face, but they are also a bit unreachable at times, and travel is required on both ends. We got to ask some questions that have been lingering and get some answers finally. She also got to see our house in full crazy mode when my sisters showed up to pick up Bella and our oldest bio daughter for a day trip with my nieces to celebrate birthdays. There were lots of girls and lots of chatter and my sister and I trying to hash out last minute details. It was a bit overwhelming, but Ms. CW seemed amused by it all.
After Ms. CW left I took Sunshine and Bee over for their vision appointments. Bella was supposed to have one too, but we rescheduled for next week so she could go on the day trip. The appts went smoothly and Sunshine got a spare pair of glasses that will be in next week. She was a bit worried over what kind of frames CMDP (Arizona's foster care insurance) would cover, but she was pleasantly surprised with the number of choices. She said last time she got glasses she had only 10 pairs to choose from. Here, she had bunches. It was nice to see her happy with what she found. After hearing what her sisters had to say Bella is actually excited for her appointment so she can get her glasses ordered. Her current pair is broken, so we already know she needs a new pair.
The girls' family contacted them on Thursday to let them know their mother's memorial service had finally been scheduled for Sunday morning. Their mom passed away after they were taken into care, but just before they were placed with us and we have been waiting for a funeral date and time. We chose to take the girls ourselves rather than having a CPS worker take them when we were told they had to be supervised at ALL TIMES during the "visit". That means we had to be right by their side, listening to every conversation. Can you imagine being at your mother's memorial service and having a total stranger follow you around? Creepy. That is what it would be. Because there are three girls they would all have had to stay together at all times as well. With both me and hubby there the girls had more freedom to mingle and feel normal, even if we did have to follow them around. Everyone took it in stride and was nice about it, which was a pleasant surprise. It was a bit nerve racking making this trip, knowing we would meet all the family and not really knowing for sure how they felt about us. Everyone was kind, supportive of the girls, and excited to see them. They were appreciative of us bringing them and grateful we were caring for them rather than resentful or angry (which was what I had feared). They had a nice simple and sweet service, a bit of lunch, and a lot of visiting. The girls were able to spend a lot of time with their dad, who gave them each a piece of their mother's jewelry. When we finally left it was with lots of well wishes, hugs for the girls, and hopes of a family visit in the near future. These girls have a very supportive family who loves them very much. Unfortunately, a lot of bad choices have been made in the past that prevent the girls from being placed in kinship care for the present, but hopefully not for long term. The trip home was a long but enjoyable one. The girls were in high spirits and we had some fun conversations, and a new lunch experience for the girls. Just before we reached home Sunshine turned to me a smile and said "that was a fun trip."
I am so grateful we took them ourselves.
Not surprisingly after such a weekend Monday jumped up and bit me in the bum. I could hardly get out of bed yesterday. I felt emotionally and physically exhausted. I felt miserable on so many levels. Thankfully hubby stepped up and took care of the kids, the kids stepped up and took care of their chores, and after a day of rest I am back up on my feet. Just in time to jump into a week full of dental, doctor, and vision appointments! And a CFT...
Friday morning we had a visit from the girls' new caseworker (if you are keeping track, this makes caseworker #3 since they came into our care four weeks ago). It was a bit strange, but not unpleasant. She was very nice and spent quite a while talking with the girls. She has been working the case alongside their last caseworker for a week or so, so she is familiar with the case but this is her first time to actually meet the girls. She had to drive almost 6 hours to get here so that is not as strange as it sounds. One of the perks of such a distant placement is we don't have CPS constantly in our face, but they are also a bit unreachable at times, and travel is required on both ends. We got to ask some questions that have been lingering and get some answers finally. She also got to see our house in full crazy mode when my sisters showed up to pick up Bella and our oldest bio daughter for a day trip with my nieces to celebrate birthdays. There were lots of girls and lots of chatter and my sister and I trying to hash out last minute details. It was a bit overwhelming, but Ms. CW seemed amused by it all.
After Ms. CW left I took Sunshine and Bee over for their vision appointments. Bella was supposed to have one too, but we rescheduled for next week so she could go on the day trip. The appts went smoothly and Sunshine got a spare pair of glasses that will be in next week. She was a bit worried over what kind of frames CMDP (Arizona's foster care insurance) would cover, but she was pleasantly surprised with the number of choices. She said last time she got glasses she had only 10 pairs to choose from. Here, she had bunches. It was nice to see her happy with what she found. After hearing what her sisters had to say Bella is actually excited for her appointment so she can get her glasses ordered. Her current pair is broken, so we already know she needs a new pair.
The girls' family contacted them on Thursday to let them know their mother's memorial service had finally been scheduled for Sunday morning. Their mom passed away after they were taken into care, but just before they were placed with us and we have been waiting for a funeral date and time. We chose to take the girls ourselves rather than having a CPS worker take them when we were told they had to be supervised at ALL TIMES during the "visit". That means we had to be right by their side, listening to every conversation. Can you imagine being at your mother's memorial service and having a total stranger follow you around? Creepy. That is what it would be. Because there are three girls they would all have had to stay together at all times as well. With both me and hubby there the girls had more freedom to mingle and feel normal, even if we did have to follow them around. Everyone took it in stride and was nice about it, which was a pleasant surprise. It was a bit nerve racking making this trip, knowing we would meet all the family and not really knowing for sure how they felt about us. Everyone was kind, supportive of the girls, and excited to see them. They were appreciative of us bringing them and grateful we were caring for them rather than resentful or angry (which was what I had feared). They had a nice simple and sweet service, a bit of lunch, and a lot of visiting. The girls were able to spend a lot of time with their dad, who gave them each a piece of their mother's jewelry. When we finally left it was with lots of well wishes, hugs for the girls, and hopes of a family visit in the near future. These girls have a very supportive family who loves them very much. Unfortunately, a lot of bad choices have been made in the past that prevent the girls from being placed in kinship care for the present, but hopefully not for long term. The trip home was a long but enjoyable one. The girls were in high spirits and we had some fun conversations, and a new lunch experience for the girls. Just before we reached home Sunshine turned to me a smile and said "that was a fun trip."
I am so grateful we took them ourselves.
Not surprisingly after such a weekend Monday jumped up and bit me in the bum. I could hardly get out of bed yesterday. I felt emotionally and physically exhausted. I felt miserable on so many levels. Thankfully hubby stepped up and took care of the kids, the kids stepped up and took care of their chores, and after a day of rest I am back up on my feet. Just in time to jump into a week full of dental, doctor, and vision appointments! And a CFT...
Thursday, April 10, 2014
"I could never do foster care, I would just get too attached"
I was at the park yesterday chatting with a couple friends as our little ones played when the subject of foster care came up. When you foster, it gets brought up a LOT...usually by someone else, and it won't take long before you hear the phrase: "I could never do foster care. I would just get too attached."
Way back when we did foster care the first time this comment didn't phase me much. Hadn't I had the same thoughts when my husband first brought up the idea? It took a strong prompting from the Lord telling us (me) this was the path we needed to follow to convince me to give it a go. So, when people would share such thoughts I would nod in understanding, say something like "It can be really hard." and not think much of it, other than feeling a pang of guilt, like maybe I wasn't getting attached enough if I could still function after a child leaving.
Yesterday though, it struck me differently and I found myself struggling for a way to express my feelings. I felt like shouting: "So you think I don't get attached?!! Should only cold unfeeling people foster?? Just what are you saying??!" After a moment though I realized that the comment wasn't about ME, it was about THEM. You are doing a great thing that I admire, but its a really hard thing, and I just couldn't do it! The last part "I would just get too attached" isn't a judgment, it's a fear. I believe what is really meant is "I don't think I am strong enough to survive letting go." or even just "I don't want to go through the pain of letting go"
When this epiphany struck my first reflex was to alleviate the fear. (Which in retrospect is kind of ridiculous, because it is a valid fear and a reality of foster care). So I told them what I have told a lot of people: If you had to take your sister/cousin/other-family-member's children for some reason and care for them for awhile you would love them and nurture them, and then when their parents were able to take them back, you would happily reunite the family. You would miss them, but you would give them back because they are not yours to keep. (I do realize this is not a perfect analogy, but it relays the sentiment I was going for. There are many more aspects to foster care that can make it much, much more complicated than this. But, you get the idea.)
My friends nodded and looked understanding, but I felt like I hadn't really made an impression. So I tried again. I told them that It can be hard when kids leave, but you have to go into it realizing it isn't about you, it's about the kids. It's about giving them a good home.
I wasn't as eloquent as I would have liked. There were small children running all around us. We left the conversation there. I don't know if I made any sort of impression at all and reflecting on the conversation later I was a little frustrated that I hadn't been able to put into words a proper answer. It is an answer that requires a bit of reflection I believe. Today though I came across a blog post by Mary @ Adoption & Foster Care: My Personal Experiences that made me say "YES! THIS! This is what I wanted to say!!"
http://mamamem.blogspot.com/2014/04/foster-care-isnt-for-you.html
There was also a link to another post she had written a few years ago that she wrote in answer to this exact comment:
http://mamamem.blogspot.com/2010/03/i-could-never-do-foster-care.html
I am linking them here so that I can read and re-read them so the next time I hear "I could never do foster care..." I will have the words to express my heart better. Who knows, I may even be able to change someone else's.
Way back when we did foster care the first time this comment didn't phase me much. Hadn't I had the same thoughts when my husband first brought up the idea? It took a strong prompting from the Lord telling us (me) this was the path we needed to follow to convince me to give it a go. So, when people would share such thoughts I would nod in understanding, say something like "It can be really hard." and not think much of it, other than feeling a pang of guilt, like maybe I wasn't getting attached enough if I could still function after a child leaving.
Yesterday though, it struck me differently and I found myself struggling for a way to express my feelings. I felt like shouting: "So you think I don't get attached?!! Should only cold unfeeling people foster?? Just what are you saying??!" After a moment though I realized that the comment wasn't about ME, it was about THEM. You are doing a great thing that I admire, but its a really hard thing, and I just couldn't do it! The last part "I would just get too attached" isn't a judgment, it's a fear. I believe what is really meant is "I don't think I am strong enough to survive letting go." or even just "I don't want to go through the pain of letting go"
When this epiphany struck my first reflex was to alleviate the fear. (Which in retrospect is kind of ridiculous, because it is a valid fear and a reality of foster care). So I told them what I have told a lot of people: If you had to take your sister/cousin/other-family-member's children for some reason and care for them for awhile you would love them and nurture them, and then when their parents were able to take them back, you would happily reunite the family. You would miss them, but you would give them back because they are not yours to keep. (I do realize this is not a perfect analogy, but it relays the sentiment I was going for. There are many more aspects to foster care that can make it much, much more complicated than this. But, you get the idea.)
My friends nodded and looked understanding, but I felt like I hadn't really made an impression. So I tried again. I told them that It can be hard when kids leave, but you have to go into it realizing it isn't about you, it's about the kids. It's about giving them a good home.
I wasn't as eloquent as I would have liked. There were small children running all around us. We left the conversation there. I don't know if I made any sort of impression at all and reflecting on the conversation later I was a little frustrated that I hadn't been able to put into words a proper answer. It is an answer that requires a bit of reflection I believe. Today though I came across a blog post by Mary @ Adoption & Foster Care: My Personal Experiences that made me say "YES! THIS! This is what I wanted to say!!"
http://mamamem.blogspot.com/2014/04/foster-care-isnt-for-you.html
There was also a link to another post she had written a few years ago that she wrote in answer to this exact comment:
http://mamamem.blogspot.com/2010/03/i-could-never-do-foster-care.html
I am linking them here so that I can read and re-read them so the next time I hear "I could never do foster care..." I will have the words to express my heart better. Who knows, I may even be able to change someone else's.
Monday, April 7, 2014
Case notes
A few Goings On in the next few months...
We have a Report and Review court date in June. The girls' cw told me they need to be there...and totally acted like I wasn't supposed to be, then when I spoke with our cw about how the girls would get there she emphasized that I was REQUIRED to be there, by phone at LEAST, but that it would be better to be there in person. Apparently, this is when the foster parents are supposed to report on how the kids are doing in the home. It is one of the few times when we get to be heard, and the CPS cw apparently doesn't think that is important. *sigh* SO...an eight our round trip is on the schedule for June.
The teens may also be starting visitations with Bio Dad. It isn't guaranteed, just "in the works". Ya, that could mean anywhere from a couple weeks to never. I am not even sure if this is something that will be decided in court in June, or if it is up to the cw's discretion. The girls are excited about the possibility though, especially Bella. I wouldn't have chosen to tell them and get hopes up about something that MAY happen, but the cw needed actual confirmation from the girls that they wanted visitation. The girls' have already been having phone contact with Bio Dad for the past couple weeks (supervised *speaker phone* calls), but the cw wasn't sure that would mean they would be okay with face to face contact. They talk to their dad almost every night, a fact that did not seem to please the cw when I mentioned it when she called today. These calls are authorized, but I think she believed the contact would be more sporadic. I support the calls though. The girls need this contact with their only living parent. To deny them that would be cruel. Their father is very respectful and appropriate and supportive of the girls and before he hangs up each night he prays with them. Which I think is wonderful. He is far from perfect, but from what I hear he is trying his best to become the father his girls need. I pray he can make the changes needed and stick with them because that would be the best outcome for our girls. I don't know what the court view is though. With CPS things can go any which way and I don't have a clue if they are even considering reunification with Bio Dad! The possibility of visitation is a good sign though, so we will pray for the best.
Despite visitations it looks like we may have the girls a good long while. Even if Bio Dad is considered he won't be an option for at least 6 months to a year while he completes his treatment program. The Aunt and Uncle that were being homestudied to take the girls may no longer be a possibility. It's not official, but an email to Sunshine made it clear that they are no longer wanting the girls to come live with them. It was rather harsh, but other than being a bit annoyed at the tone of the message the girls handled it calmly. In Sunshine's words (with a shrug) "I'd rather stay here for six months until we can go with my Dad anyway." I was a bit surprised, and grateful that they are happy and comfortable here. Things may change (like 50 times) as we go through the next few months, but it is good to know they are okay with being here for awhile.
We have a Report and Review court date in June. The girls' cw told me they need to be there...and totally acted like I wasn't supposed to be, then when I spoke with our cw about how the girls would get there she emphasized that I was REQUIRED to be there, by phone at LEAST, but that it would be better to be there in person. Apparently, this is when the foster parents are supposed to report on how the kids are doing in the home. It is one of the few times when we get to be heard, and the CPS cw apparently doesn't think that is important. *sigh* SO...an eight our round trip is on the schedule for June.
The teens may also be starting visitations with Bio Dad. It isn't guaranteed, just "in the works". Ya, that could mean anywhere from a couple weeks to never. I am not even sure if this is something that will be decided in court in June, or if it is up to the cw's discretion. The girls are excited about the possibility though, especially Bella. I wouldn't have chosen to tell them and get hopes up about something that MAY happen, but the cw needed actual confirmation from the girls that they wanted visitation. The girls' have already been having phone contact with Bio Dad for the past couple weeks (supervised *speaker phone* calls), but the cw wasn't sure that would mean they would be okay with face to face contact. They talk to their dad almost every night, a fact that did not seem to please the cw when I mentioned it when she called today. These calls are authorized, but I think she believed the contact would be more sporadic. I support the calls though. The girls need this contact with their only living parent. To deny them that would be cruel. Their father is very respectful and appropriate and supportive of the girls and before he hangs up each night he prays with them. Which I think is wonderful. He is far from perfect, but from what I hear he is trying his best to become the father his girls need. I pray he can make the changes needed and stick with them because that would be the best outcome for our girls. I don't know what the court view is though. With CPS things can go any which way and I don't have a clue if they are even considering reunification with Bio Dad! The possibility of visitation is a good sign though, so we will pray for the best.
Despite visitations it looks like we may have the girls a good long while. Even if Bio Dad is considered he won't be an option for at least 6 months to a year while he completes his treatment program. The Aunt and Uncle that were being homestudied to take the girls may no longer be a possibility. It's not official, but an email to Sunshine made it clear that they are no longer wanting the girls to come live with them. It was rather harsh, but other than being a bit annoyed at the tone of the message the girls handled it calmly. In Sunshine's words (with a shrug) "I'd rather stay here for six months until we can go with my Dad anyway." I was a bit surprised, and grateful that they are happy and comfortable here. Things may change (like 50 times) as we go through the next few months, but it is good to know they are okay with being here for awhile.
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Settling in
The teens came home from their first days of school with positive reviews. They liked the kids, the school was okay, teachers are no worse than anywhere else, and even the food was good!
The only complaint is that the AIMS tests (AZ's standardized testing) will be next week and the girls are not familiar with a LOT of the material that will be covered. They are doing reviews in class this week, but Bee and Bella (especially Bella) say they are not familiar with about half of the subject matter. In Bella's words: "I haven't even heard of half of this stuff!" She is pretty stressed. Unfortunately this is a typical side effect of foster care. These girls have been in care four times over the past three years...in 6 different homes. That is a lot of shuffling. But it isn't unusual. Especially not for older kids/teens. When homes are shuffled so are schools, usually in the middle of the school year, and the results are huge gaping holes in these kids' education that can create stress and really damage self-esteem. Smart kids start to feel dumb, and kids with learning disabilities?? They start to feel like they can never catch up, so why even try? I can't even imagine dealing with these kind of issues as a kid! Fortunately, my girls have very positive attitudes about life and are trying their best to jump into their school work. They are very smart and determined so I am hoping that if we can just keep them here with us through the rest of this school year they will get caught up and do okay. Then when/if they go to a relative placement they will be on track to start the new school year with everyone else. There will still be holes though, and hopefully they will get filled in. Continuity will be the key and I pray they get enough of that to make a difference.
The only complaint is that the AIMS tests (AZ's standardized testing) will be next week and the girls are not familiar with a LOT of the material that will be covered. They are doing reviews in class this week, but Bee and Bella (especially Bella) say they are not familiar with about half of the subject matter. In Bella's words: "I haven't even heard of half of this stuff!" She is pretty stressed. Unfortunately this is a typical side effect of foster care. These girls have been in care four times over the past three years...in 6 different homes. That is a lot of shuffling. But it isn't unusual. Especially not for older kids/teens. When homes are shuffled so are schools, usually in the middle of the school year, and the results are huge gaping holes in these kids' education that can create stress and really damage self-esteem. Smart kids start to feel dumb, and kids with learning disabilities?? They start to feel like they can never catch up, so why even try? I can't even imagine dealing with these kind of issues as a kid! Fortunately, my girls have very positive attitudes about life and are trying their best to jump into their school work. They are very smart and determined so I am hoping that if we can just keep them here with us through the rest of this school year they will get caught up and do okay. Then when/if they go to a relative placement they will be on track to start the new school year with everyone else. There will still be holes though, and hopefully they will get filled in. Continuity will be the key and I pray they get enough of that to make a difference.
Monday, March 31, 2014
Back to School!
Today is the first day back to school from Spring Break. Can you hear my huge sigh of relief?? Man, it has been a crazy week! We didn't do anything super special, but we got out a bit. Definitely not a vacation week!
We went clothes shopping for Sunshine, Bee, and Bella...this time in a neighboring town with much better shopping options. That was both a fun and crazy experience! It was good family bonding time. Poor Hubby had no idea what he was getting into though. I tried to warn him, but is any man ever really prepared to go shopping with SIX girls and their mother? We had a few rough spots until he came to terms. We did very well staying within budget...he just had a hard time with, well, TIME. I thought we did amazing actually. We covered three clothing stores and the shoe store in under four hours! We found shoes for six pairs of feet in under an hour! Hubby was not impressed. In fact he was very impatient. Apparently I do not take him shopping with our children nearly enough. I have to be fair and add that he did have a good reason to worry about the time as he had to leave for work that evening. He simply failed to factor in the reality of shopping with girls. He is still learning.
We also had a birthday party for our second oldest bio daughter. It was a super fun family tea party with lots of nibbles. The older girls were amazingly helpful getting everything ready. Afterwards my three bio girls left with their paternal grandmother to spend a few days at her house. This has become a family tradition over the last few years and our girls were super excited.
With the younger girls gone the house was a lot quieter over the next few days. Little Mister (our three year old) was delighted to have so much attention! He was much better behaved than normal (methinks he may benefit from more regular one on one time with Mom) and the teens decided they rather like him. It also gave the girls and I time to get to know each other better as well. I am getting very fond of these young ladies!
Saturday we (we = myself, my sister, her two littles, Little Mister, Sunshine, and Bella) went to pick up the little girls and did some yardsale-ing along the way. The pickings were slim though and we only ended up with a few things. We totally wore out Sunshine and Bella. In fact Bella was rather perturbed with us for not heading home sooner. Turns out she was actually getting sick. Later that night she threw up and was pretty miserable. Thankfully it was a fast moving bug and although she stayed home from church Sunday morning, she had rallied by the afternoon.
This morning was the teens first day at their new schools. I took them in to make sure they got their schedules and everything was in order. Bee and Bella were simple to check in. They got their handbooks and schedules, we called my niece up to the office to show them to their classes, and off they went. Easy peasy. The high school was a bit more involved, but thankfully much simpler than expected. We spent about 45 minutes with the guidance counselor getting Sunshine's schedule worked out. We were happy to find out that all her credits are safe and she is only behind by one credit. They gave her a couple courses at the alternative academy on campus where she can work online to complete the classes at her own pace. Those courses will allow her to not only catch up on the one course she is behind in, but also allows her to make up the missing credit she needs if she applies herself. That means next year she will be right on target to graduate with her class in two years. With all the school hopping that happens in foster care that is a BIG THING.
Now I am breathing easier, knowing we are finally going to be able to settle into some kind of an actual routine. The girls will start making friends and will settle in. My kids will settle down and won't have so much emotional turmoil (change makes them very emotional). I will have a bit of quiet time to recharge. I don't dare hope for smooth sailing, but at least things shouldn't be so chaotic!
We went clothes shopping for Sunshine, Bee, and Bella...this time in a neighboring town with much better shopping options. That was both a fun and crazy experience! It was good family bonding time. Poor Hubby had no idea what he was getting into though. I tried to warn him, but is any man ever really prepared to go shopping with SIX girls and their mother? We had a few rough spots until he came to terms. We did very well staying within budget...he just had a hard time with, well, TIME. I thought we did amazing actually. We covered three clothing stores and the shoe store in under four hours! We found shoes for six pairs of feet in under an hour! Hubby was not impressed. In fact he was very impatient. Apparently I do not take him shopping with our children nearly enough. I have to be fair and add that he did have a good reason to worry about the time as he had to leave for work that evening. He simply failed to factor in the reality of shopping with girls. He is still learning.
We also had a birthday party for our second oldest bio daughter. It was a super fun family tea party with lots of nibbles. The older girls were amazingly helpful getting everything ready. Afterwards my three bio girls left with their paternal grandmother to spend a few days at her house. This has become a family tradition over the last few years and our girls were super excited.
With the younger girls gone the house was a lot quieter over the next few days. Little Mister (our three year old) was delighted to have so much attention! He was much better behaved than normal (methinks he may benefit from more regular one on one time with Mom) and the teens decided they rather like him. It also gave the girls and I time to get to know each other better as well. I am getting very fond of these young ladies!
Saturday we (we = myself, my sister, her two littles, Little Mister, Sunshine, and Bella) went to pick up the little girls and did some yardsale-ing along the way. The pickings were slim though and we only ended up with a few things. We totally wore out Sunshine and Bella. In fact Bella was rather perturbed with us for not heading home sooner. Turns out she was actually getting sick. Later that night she threw up and was pretty miserable. Thankfully it was a fast moving bug and although she stayed home from church Sunday morning, she had rallied by the afternoon.
This morning was the teens first day at their new schools. I took them in to make sure they got their schedules and everything was in order. Bee and Bella were simple to check in. They got their handbooks and schedules, we called my niece up to the office to show them to their classes, and off they went. Easy peasy. The high school was a bit more involved, but thankfully much simpler than expected. We spent about 45 minutes with the guidance counselor getting Sunshine's schedule worked out. We were happy to find out that all her credits are safe and she is only behind by one credit. They gave her a couple courses at the alternative academy on campus where she can work online to complete the classes at her own pace. Those courses will allow her to not only catch up on the one course she is behind in, but also allows her to make up the missing credit she needs if she applies herself. That means next year she will be right on target to graduate with her class in two years. With all the school hopping that happens in foster care that is a BIG THING.
Now I am breathing easier, knowing we are finally going to be able to settle into some kind of an actual routine. The girls will start making friends and will settle in. My kids will settle down and won't have so much emotional turmoil (change makes them very emotional). I will have a bit of quiet time to recharge. I don't dare hope for smooth sailing, but at least things shouldn't be so chaotic!
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