School is officially out!

Okay, so it has been out for almost a week now but I am barely getting around to blogging about it (but then, I haven't blogged about anything for awhile).

Funny how I thought that once end-of-school activities were over I would have all this down time and things would slow down. We are not slow at all! It has been non-stop go all month and shows no signs of letting up. We have lots of fun Summer plans (lots of memories to be made!), and mingled with CPS plans (family visits, home visits, counseling appointments, etc) we are going to be busy, busy, busy!

This week we took a visit to spend some time with Hubby while he was working. He works out of town, so is only home off and on (roughly half the month), so a couple months ago we finally got him an apartment near his work. We (the kids and I) hadn't had the chance to visit and see the new place so we took a few days and went and stayed with him. It was nice because this would have been time we normally wouldn't have seen him for about a week. We swam, climbed a rock wall (so much scarier than I thought it would be!), and just hung out. It was good fun family bonding time. In the evenings Hubby came home and was equally delighted and overwhelmed by having the whole brood in his personal space (did I mention the new apartment is only a two-bedroom? NO ESCAPE!). Craziness and good times. A few drama moments. Some teen moments. But a pretty good time.

Then home again and we began/continued the process of getting Bee ready for the pioneer trek. Our church does a handcart pioneer trek for the youth that lasts four days and as soon as Bee heard about it she was enthusiastic about participating (Bella isn't old enough and Sunshine was not interested). We had to get the Dr. to sign off on her going due to medical issues and for a while we were doubtful about if it was going to happen. She was upset and angry. It is hard to be 14 with medical restrictions on your physical activities. I was happy we got the go ahead in the end, as this could give her the opportunity to show that she can do more than she has been allowed to do. Other than the Dr approval we had to gather all the necessary clothing and gear, as well as complete a four mile walk in under an hour (All participants were required to complete the walk to show they were fit enough for the physical demands of pushing a handcart up to 16 miles a day). Thursday we drive 45 minutes to counseling appointments for Bella and Bee, then Bee leaves for the Trek Friday and she is excited as can be.

I have also spent the last couple days cleaning a few neglected areas of the house (my bedroom and bathroom, the little girls bedroom oh, my!, mounds of laundry, etc.) so that we will be ready to go on our family vacation to a cabin in Colorado for five days. Everyone is excited about going! Hanging out, hiking, swimming, biking, maybe even fishing. We'll see what happens.

We will leave two days after Bee gets back from the trek.

This will also be two days after bio#2 starts summer school. She will miss a couple of days, and hopefully this will not cause too much of a fuss. She needs the Summer school, but she is already a mess about how "not fair" it is that she has to go to school when everyone else doesn't. If we were to postpone or cancel the trip due to school it will go very hard on all of us. The whole family is looking forward to this trip and so this is where we have a balancing act of what needs to happen with what may cause more problems. We already had a full on multiple melt down when we had to cancel one family get away with extended family due to extended family insensitivities to CPS regulations and refusal to acknowledge our foster girls as actual family members (still too miffed myself to write a post on that one, although it is very pertinent to foster care...its on my to do list...FYI, No, we can't won't "just get respite for them" because finding room for them is inconvenient).

When we get back we have a couple days before our scheduled CFT, then a home visit from the girl's caseworker as well as a visit with bio dad for the girls.

Then some sports clinics for Bee and Bella, and a couple pic-nics with our licensing agency to wrap up June.

We have a few things scheduled from there, but I just can't think that far ahead yet. We also have to fit a camping trip in somewhere this Summer (who was the crazy person who promised the kids camping!? Oh...me...sigh).

Getting back to "normal"

So, the lice are mostly eradicated. Four out of six heads were completely clear of lice as of last night. The other two only had a couple eggs, which is far less than on previous nightly head checks and easy to remove. Hopefully this means we will be completely lice free within a few days. Nightly head checks will continue for the next week or so, then if everyone stays clear we will move to every few days, and eventually weekly. For the forseeable future that is our new normal. Never again will I take a lice free head of hair for granted!

In all this head checking (time consuming!!) and other crazy the house got away from us, so now it is time to bring all the chaos back under control. The girls are all back to school today so I will be working to reduce the mess in each "chore area" today, then the kids will be able to finish up when they do their regular chores this afternoon. They each have one daily chore which rotates. Over this past week chore completion got very spotty while I was distracted by other things and everyone took advantage of that. I have to say I am sick to death of getting dirty looks when I bring up chores! Before the lice we were in a pretty good routine and griping was kept to a minimum, but you know what they say about giving inches and taking miles. Now its time to jump back into a routine and keep on it. I will not be popular over the next few days! lol

Getting back into routine is going to be challenging but essential because tomorrow starts our "normal" crazy type week with appointments, field trips, a concert, and a luncheon. Friday Sunshine, Bee, and Bella have a visit with their family and will be gone all day. Then we will do it again the next week. May is a crazy month for any family with end of school activities, but mix it up with all the complicated mess of CPS and it becomes ridiculous! If we can survive this month summer should bring some much needed down time.

Guess what I have been doing all day...

(Do not ask me why the picture is sideways...I rotated it, I cropped it, I edited...and yet here it sits in its original form...sideways. and I am too tired to care any more)

This morning I discovered a nightmare in my little girl's hair. Turns out that nightmare inhabited ALL SIX heads of girl hair in our home. Uhhhgg!! (Little Mr. escaped with only one little live louse which was quickly taken care of by shaving off all his hair)

So we all spent the day at home delousing and nit picking. NOT MY IDEA OF FUN. Although we did manage to work in a lot of laughter and good family time. Can you bond over vermin?? Apparently you can. hahaha!

Thankfully Sunshine, Bee, and Bella were amazingly helpful. They did all three of the younger girls' hair on their own (they volunteered as they have experience with lice, and up til now I did not!). Meanwhile I ran around gathering bedding to be washed, running to the store for one product and another, and trying to make sense of the chaos that had befallen. Munchkins #1 and #3 were relatively quick and easy (about 45 minutes each), but munchkin #2 has thicker hair and a far worse infestation. She was in the combing chair for 2 HOURS. She was a trooper. 

The older girls hair wasn't too bad except for poor Bella. The worst case by far, and it took about 2 hours with two to three of us working at a time. She felt so bad, and I was sad for her! This was not her fault. We believe it likely started with her, probably picked up at the group home they were at before coming here, but we can never really know for sure where they came from, and she isn't to blame. No one is. Lice happens everywhere. It happens to clean people as well as dirty people, rich, poor, in between. No one is immune...especially if you have children who attend public school or headstart, or if you do foster care. It is actually surprising that we never had to deal with lice when we did foster care in the past. It is a common problem and we were told to be prepared and look out for it. It still snuck in!

The bad thing is that there IS a STIGMA, and I just hope the kids at school don't make an issue of it  for any of our kids if they hear about it (and it is a small town).

Lice is not nice...it is terrible and exhausting. I am still washing load after load of bedding while my kids sleep in their super clean sanitized beds with their super clean, (hopefully) lice free hair. My brain has shut down, so this post may not make a lot of sense. Thankfully, tomorrow Hubby gets home and will jump in with helping on daily comb outs and inspections for a few days. 

We will be hypervigilant for the the next month to make sure nothing survives to re-infest the house!

One bright spot: We treated my hair as well (school nurse and pharmacist said to treat everyone in the house), but I did not have a single nit nor louse! Little miracle there as I am not sure how it is even possible. Thanking the Man Upstairs for that small blessing!

Junior High is tough

I got a call this morning from the school asking me to come in for a conference. Bee had a run in with one of her teachers in which lots of attitude was exchanged.

(Of course I only got one side of the story over the phone.)

We were dealing with a male teacher, and one that I knew would respond better to another male, so I took hubby along. I also wanted him to speak to Bee first before we came into the conference. They have bonded lately and she really responds well to him. I was also used to threaten her ("if you don't change your attitude...I'll have to call your foster mom to come pick you up"), so I figured she might shut down when she saw me. It ended up being a good call both ways.

I hate teachers with control issues and condescending attitudes. Just saying.

We talked, he lectured, she scowled, he left. Then we had a good conversation with her about dealing civilly with people in authority who aren't very nice and you don't like. Like teachers, and later, bosses. She didn't like it, but she is smart and saw the truth of it. I think it helped her to know that we agreed with her opinion of the teacher. After he left we asked the vice principal (who happens to be a personal friend) to sit down with us and we spoke to her about some specific issues Bee has with this teacher. She was able to offer some ways that Bee could deal with the issues in a direct but respectful manner. She is also going to work on getting Bee a plan in place to help with her learning challenges.

Then, we talked about another issue Bee has been dealing with. Bullies. She has been dealing with a couple girls who have been harassing her in the halls and in the two classes they have together. She has handled it very well so far. Honestly she is totally capable of knocking both of them on their hind ends and getting them off her back that way. She really wanted to do so. But she has chosen not to. Instead she brought her problem to the attention of the school counselor, myself, and the VP. We all agree she is showing great self restraint, especially considering all the other emotional weight she is currently dealing with. The problem has continued though, despite efforts by the VP to put an end to it. So today we discussed it more and in the process found the possible root of the problem; a conversation and a tactless (but well intentioned) comment. Bee was clueless about what caused the hostility at first, but once we got her talking and heard about the exchange and pointed out how it might have embarrassed the other girl and made her angry she was quick to put the pieces together. When I picked her up from school she told me she had taken the VP's advice and went to the other girl and apologized. They made up and "are friends again" and later the girl's BFF (the meaner of the two) ceased hostilities and even went so far as to apologize herself! Bully problem solved! I was so so proud of Bee. She really showed her character through the whole thing. It was a tough situation, and she really handled it well.

In all we spent over two hours at the school sorting things out. I had forgotten how rough junior high can be, but today was a huge reminder. It shows just how great these girls of mine are.

CFT

So, the CFT was actually last week, but I am finally getting around to posting about it here. For those not in the foster care world: CFT stands for Child Family Team meeting. The meeting takes place either in person or, as in our case, over the phone. All the adults involved in the case (bio parents, foster parents, caseworker, mental health people, etc) get together and talk about the case and the needs of the children. I have not participated in very many of these meetings (our county is not very good about involving foster parents in ANYTHING), so I wasn't quite sure what to expect. The phone conference was a little awkward, but Ms. CW did a good job of mediating and making sure everyone got a chance to be heard and everyone was polite and calm. The first big surprise of the meeting was that Sunshine's bio dad was present, along with a lawyer to represent him. He has not EVER been involved in her life. She has only met him twice in her life. We did not expect him to involve himself with her CPS case at all, so it was a bit of a shocker to us and to Bella and Bee's bio dad, who raised Sunshine from the time she was about 3mos old. It could have gotten a bit ugly, but everything stayed civil.

I was given the chance to report on the girls and how they are doing (all positive), and pass along a few requests from the bio family that they asked about at the memorial. One of those was for possible placement (not likely to happen due to past history, but they want to try). Bio dad for Bella and Bee weighed in and expressed his desire that the girls stay with us until he can take them. I was a bit surprised. He feels his girls are "happy and thriving" with us and he would rather they stay here then go to family. I think there is a lot going on in the family relationships we don't know about. We were ready to support the goal of kinship care, but with both BD and the girls preferring they stay with us we are likely to have them for at least the next six months. That is how long it will be before he can be considered for placement.

Another surprise; Sunshine's BD (let's call him BD#2) wanted to know why his home hadn't had a home study done. The implication was that he wants to be considered for placement. I assume he means for Sunshine only, but that is not totally clear as he wasn't able to say much more before Ms. CW cut him off and said they would speak about it in a private call after the CFT. I assume she wanted to get details before this was brought into open discussion with BD#1 involved. It could have gotten heated, and for little reason. If Sunshine doesn't want to live with BD#2 there is little chance of a placement. So far she has refused his requests for phone visitation, although she did accept his facebook friend request. The mental health staff member and I both encouraged BD#2 to work on his relationship with Sunshine via facebook, but to not pressure her. Sunshine seemed confused, but pleased when she told us about the friend request, so there may be hope for developing some kind of relationship. It may never be a traditional father/daughter relationship, but a healthy grown up relationship with her bio roots would be good for Sunshine.

A few other details were discussed, then the call ended.

Relatively painless. Much more surprising than expected. 

Vision appointments, caseworker visit, a road trip, and a memorial service...

It has been a crazy few days.

Friday morning we had a visit from the girls' new caseworker (if you are keeping track, this makes caseworker #3 since they came into our care four weeks ago). It was a bit strange, but not unpleasant. She was very nice and spent quite a while talking with the girls. She has been working the case alongside their last caseworker for a week or so, so she is familiar with the case but this is her first time to actually meet the girls. She had to drive almost 6 hours to get here so that is not as strange as it sounds. One of the perks of such a distant placement is we don't have CPS constantly in our face, but they are also a bit unreachable at times, and travel is required on both ends. We got to ask some questions that have been lingering and get some answers finally. She also got to see our house in full crazy mode when my sisters showed up to pick up Bella and our oldest bio daughter for a day trip with my nieces to celebrate birthdays. There were lots of girls and lots of chatter and my sister and I trying to hash out last minute details. It was a bit overwhelming, but Ms. CW seemed amused by it all.

After Ms. CW left I took Sunshine and Bee over for their vision appointments. Bella was supposed to have one too, but we rescheduled for next week so she could go on the day trip. The appts went smoothly and Sunshine got a spare pair of glasses that will be in next week. She was a bit worried over what kind of frames CMDP (Arizona's foster care insurance) would cover, but she was pleasantly surprised with the number of choices. She said last time she got glasses she had only 10 pairs to choose from. Here, she had bunches. It was nice to see her happy with what she found. After hearing what her sisters had to say Bella is actually excited for her appointment so she can get her glasses ordered. Her current pair is broken, so we already know she needs a new pair.

The girls' family contacted them on Thursday to let them know their mother's memorial service had finally been scheduled for Sunday morning. Their mom passed away after they were taken into care, but just before they were placed with us and we have been waiting for a funeral date and time. We chose to take the girls ourselves rather than having a CPS worker take them when we were told they had to be supervised at ALL TIMES during the "visit".  That means we had to be right by their side, listening to every conversation. Can you imagine being at your mother's memorial service and having a total stranger follow you around? Creepy. That is what it would be. Because there are three girls they would all have had to stay together at all times as well. With both me and hubby there the girls had more freedom to mingle and feel normal, even if we did have to follow them around. Everyone took it in stride and was nice about it, which was a pleasant surprise. It was a bit nerve racking making this trip, knowing we would meet all the family and not really knowing for sure how they felt about us. Everyone was kind, supportive of the girls, and excited to see them. They were appreciative of us bringing them and grateful we were caring for them rather than resentful or angry (which was what I had feared).  They had a nice simple and sweet service, a bit of lunch, and a lot of visiting. The girls were able to spend a lot of time with their dad, who gave them each a piece of their mother's jewelry. When we finally left it was with lots of well wishes, hugs for the girls, and hopes of a family visit in the near future.  These girls have a very supportive family who loves them very much. Unfortunately, a lot of bad choices have been made in the past that prevent the girls from being placed in kinship care for the present, but hopefully not for long term. The trip home was a long but enjoyable one. The girls were in high spirits and we had some fun conversations, and a new lunch experience for the girls. Just before we reached home Sunshine turned to me a smile and said "that was a fun trip."
I am so grateful we took them ourselves.

Not surprisingly after such a weekend Monday jumped up and bit me in the bum. I could hardly get out of bed yesterday. I felt emotionally and physically exhausted. I felt miserable on so many levels. Thankfully hubby stepped up and took care of the kids, the kids stepped up and took care of their chores, and after a day of rest I am back up on my feet. Just in time to jump into a week full of dental, doctor, and vision appointments! And a CFT...  

"I could never do foster care, I would just get too attached"

 I was at the park yesterday chatting with a couple friends as our little ones played when the subject of foster care came up. When you foster, it gets brought up a LOT...usually by someone else, and it won't take long before you hear the phrase: "I could never do foster care. I would just get too attached."

Way back when we did foster care the first time this comment didn't phase me much. Hadn't I had the same thoughts when my husband first brought up the idea? It took a strong prompting from the Lord telling us (me) this was the path we needed to follow to convince me to give it a go. So, when people would share such thoughts I would nod in understanding, say something like "It can be really hard." and not think much of it, other than feeling a pang of guilt, like maybe I wasn't getting attached enough if I could still function after a child leaving.

Yesterday though, it struck me differently and I found myself struggling for a way to express my feelings. I felt like shouting: "So you think I don't get attached?!! Should only cold unfeeling people foster?? Just what are you saying??!" After a moment though I realized that the comment wasn't about ME, it was about THEM. You are doing a great thing that I admire, but its a really hard thing, and I just couldn't do it! The last part "I would just get too attached" isn't a judgment, it's a fear. I believe what is really meant is "I don't think I am strong enough to survive letting go." or even just "I don't want to go through the pain of letting go"

When this epiphany struck my first reflex was to alleviate the fear. (Which in retrospect is kind of ridiculous, because it is a valid fear and a reality of foster care). So I told them what I have told a lot of people: If you had to take your sister/cousin/other-family-member's children for some reason and care for them for awhile you would love them and nurture them, and then when their parents were able to take them back, you would happily reunite the family. You would miss them, but you would give them back because they are not yours to keep. (I do realize this is not a perfect analogy, but it relays the sentiment I was going for. There are many more aspects to foster care that can make it much, much more complicated than this. But, you get the idea.)

My friends nodded and looked understanding, but I felt like I hadn't really made an impression. So I tried again. I told them that It can be hard when kids leave, but you have to go into it realizing it isn't about you, it's about the kids. It's about giving them a good home.

I wasn't as eloquent as I would have liked. There were small children running all around us. We left the conversation there. I don't know if I made any sort of impression at all and reflecting on the conversation later I was a little frustrated that I hadn't been able to put into words a proper answer.  It is an answer that requires a bit of reflection I believe. Today though I came across a blog post by Mary @ Adoption & Foster Care: My Personal Experiences that made me say "YES! THIS! This is what I wanted to say!!"

http://mamamem.blogspot.com/2014/04/foster-care-isnt-for-you.html

There was also a link to another post she had written a few years ago that she wrote in answer to this exact comment:

http://mamamem.blogspot.com/2010/03/i-could-never-do-foster-care.html

I am linking them here so that I can read and re-read them so the next time I hear "I could never do foster care..." I will have the words to express my heart better. Who knows, I may even be able to change someone else's.