So, I have been avoiding blogging. Why? Too many big emotions to put out there I guess. So, we will do a (brief? haha, maybe some parts) recap.
To pick up where we left off:
After a few weeks of waiting on the court we got the order we needed for Bella's surgery (and it was the GAL, aka the girls' attorney, Ms. CW was talking to and had to go through to get the court order, not "AL" I apparently misheard, whoops.) We scheduled and got her in right away and all went well. One note about the recovery room that totally blindsided me and made for an emotional couple hours - coming out of the anesthesia, groggy and confused, Bella had NO memory of her mother's death or even living with us! She recognized me, even called me by name, but had no other memory of her time with us. She kept asking for her mom and saying "Why isn't she here? Why wouldn't she be here? Where is she?" I was in tears, and trying very hard to hide it. All I could do was reassure her that her mom would be there if she could, hold her hand, stroke her hair, and avoid her other questions. Telling her more would have just been cruel as her memory was transient and we would have had to keep retelling her. She must have asked where she was and why she hurt twenty times. It took awhile, but she gradually came out of the fogginess and had no memory of any of it later (She and her sisters asked if she was really funny under anesthesia like all the viral videos out there. I told them NO, it most certainly was not funny at all. I explained why and she all she said was "wow. I don't remember any of that." Probably a good thing.) Just one more unexpected reality of raising someone else's child.
Around this same time Bee decided she didn't like our chore system. Rather than come and talk to me she decided to handle it by taking a picture of our living room in full on crazy mess mode (doesn't take more than a couple hours to get that way with nine people living here!) and send it to her CPS caseworker in a text ranting on what a mess our house is and the chores aren't fair, etc. So Ms. CW calls me to "discuss" our chore system. She told me about the text (but left out the photo part - that comes in later). I was angry. I felt betrayed, scared, hurt, judged, and a lot of other unpleasant emotions. SO Ms. CW and I had a long conversation about chores and what could/should be expected of teenagers. Her "suggestion" was to take my little ones off the same chores as the older girls (all the kids were on a rotation of the same chores - bathroom, front room, kitchen, laundry, dishes), and to make separate age-appropriate chore lists for them. Apparently one of Bee's complaints was having to do chores after the smaller kids and me not making them do the job as well as the older girls. Ms. CW said she spoke to Bee about the fact that you cannot expect a 9 or 10yr old to do the same quality of work as a teenager. I was grateful for that, but expressed my feelings that this should have been a conversation Bee had with ME first. So I made the new chore charts. Then emailed her a copy of the chore chart to make sure she knew/approved of what I was asking of the girls. (I was NOT happy to have to get approval of my chore system!) Then, when the girls got home I presented the new chore list. They were not happy. You see, when you divide up chores based on age-appropriateness, all the hard chores go to the older kids. So while the younger kids got chores like cleaning the bathroom and doing the laundry, the teenagers got dishes, cleaning the kitchen, and picking up the living room. The ones they hated. (NOT HARD CHORES ANY OF THEM btw, especially compared to what the girls have told me they were required to do at home and other foster homes, but somehow these chores are still asking just too much. Teenagers.) THEN Bee tries to negotiate. "How about instead of these chores everyone just picks up after themselves. We can all wash our own dishes. Then it's all fair." My response: "Sounds good in theory, but in practice probably wouldn't work so well since no one actually does that around here and I would end up taking up all the slack and that is NOT fair. However, I still might have been willing to try it just to see, if you had come to me first. Instead you went behind my back and tried to manipulate the situation and me by complaining to Ms. CW. You thought she was going to make me take away your chores or make them easier. It backfired. This is her idea, she approved these chores, and now you are stuck with them." That got me a glare and some MAJOR attitude. So I told her that if she doesn't like my home she can leave. That is an option that is always open. She can call up Ms. CW and say she doesn't want to be here and they will find her a new foster home. Basically I gave her a variation on what my mother told me when I was a sassy teenager: It's my home, my rules. If you don't like it get a job and get your own home, otherwise quit complaining and be grateful for what you've got!
After that things seemed to calm a bit, although attitude was at an all time high. THEN I get a short-notice home visit from my caseworker. Ms. CW sent her to "check on things" because the girls (Bee specifically) had been complaining to their father at a visit about how terrible things were here. I was not told exactly what was said, but it was bad enough that bio dad was concerned and spoke to the visit supervisor (who had overheard the conversation of course and was also concerned), who called Ms. CW to report their concerns. So she called my agency caseworker and requested a drop-in visit. After a private conversation and a few pointed questions (that I was very confused by) my awesome CW (lets call her Mac) realized we were dealing with a case of teenage drama rama rather than an actual placement problem. She told me why she was there and the general concerns (this is when I learned of the photo Bee had sent with her text). I. was. livid. If any of these people involved had been the over cautious trigger happy type rather than level-headed types I could easily have had an investigation into my home (nothing would have come of it, but it is a very unpleasant process that requires removing all foster children - if not all children - from the home for the duration of the investigation). For no reason other than a fifteen year old girl doesn't like to do dishes and thinks the money CPS sends for school supplies should be hers to spend however she likes. All boiled down, that is what it came to. Thankfully, Mac gave me some good advice, and took care of filling Ms. CW in on the real situation.
So I took Mac's advice and set the girls down for a frank discussion. Bella was only minimally involved as she was still recovering from surgery so basically slept through most of it. We discussed Mac's visit and its purpose. I explained how this could have hurt my family. I explained what should have happened instead (them coming and speaking to me rather than complaining to their cw and family and exaggerating things to get sympathy). Again following Mac's advice I asked them if in all honesty they wanted to live at our house and made it a matter of choice completely up to them. Sunshine was clear and upfront and said No, she would rather be living with her aunt. I told her that is understandable, but not an option at the moment. So she said if she can't be there she would rather just stay here. Bee would not give me a straight answer. I explained to her again how what she had done had put my family at risk and how I would not put us in that position again. She had to make a commitment one way or another. It was her choice. Stay or go.
"It's not that simple"
"Yes. It is. You either want to stay here or you don't"
"You don't understand how bad other places are!"
"Yes, I do. The question is still whether you would rather stay here, and accept our home how it is, or go somewhere else. I am not changing our lives and how we do things just because you don't like it."
Silence.
More Silence.
"They will probably send me to a group home and those places are really bad!"
"Then maybe you need to consider that maybe being here isn't so bad."
Glare. Silence.
Silence, holding eye contact. (I don't find teenage glaring intimidating, it doesn't make me the least bit uncomfortable.)
Silence. She avoids eye contact.
"Are you going to accept things as they are, or should I call Ms. CW to find you a new placement? It is your choice Bee, no one is going to make you stay here if you hate it that much."
Silence and glaring at the floor.
"You have to give me an answer. You can't just ignore this. It isn't going away."
More silence and floor glaring.
"Okay. Well, I guess that is your answer then. If you hate it that much and can't accept living here as it is then you don't have to stay. I will call Ms. CW tomorrow and let her know."
Silence. Then she jumps up and stomps to her room and slams the door. Sunshine looked completely shellshocked. Later I talked to Bella, and she was in agreement with Sunshine, if she couldn't go home, she would rather stay.
I prayed a lot that night, and cried a lot the next morning. I felt like a failure. I hated what was happening and wanted to just get it over with, but I felt I should put off the phone call. I felt the Lord wanted me to give Bee time to really think about her choices. So I waited until after school and when she came home I went into her room where she was lying on her bed. I told her I hadn't called yet, and I wanted to know if she still wanted to leave. If so, I would call right then. She quickly rolled over and said "No!" She had been crying and told me she had spent all day in the counselors office at school. He had helped her work through her emotions and she wanted to stay. We talked a bit about expectations and choices. I was both relieved and worried.
Our relationship has been strained since then. There are good days and bad, but for the most part I think things are good. I still worry though. False accusations are a foster parents worst nightmare. I know she isn't completely happy here. She went and found herself a possible new home. It's not a bad thing. In fact it is a very good thing. They are friends of ours from church and a wonderful family. We care about her a lot, but we know we aren't her forever home. It's not final yet, but there is a good possibility she will go to live with them at the end of the school year when Sunshine and Bella go to live with their "aunt".
Which brings us to the next big thing; they (CPS) found a close family friend of the girls' Mom who is getting licensed for foster care so she can take the girls! Bella is very excited, but wants to finish the school year with her friends here. Sunshine wants to go, and will probably go, but would also like to do her Senior year of high school here, so she hasn't made a firm decision yet. I would love for her to stay. We have gotten close over the past few months and I will miss her like crazy when she leaves whether in May or for college next year. Bio dad isn't even really trying to get them back anymore. He still has visits and is staying involved, but he knows he can't get them so he is supporting them going to live with this "aunt". It is a very positive thing for the girls and their family.
As for the last part of the year;
October was emotional, but ended well with a fun Halloween. I took all seven kids trick-or-treating and they had a blast! (although our candy haul was meager by the girls' standards! apparently city trick-or-treating yields mountains of sugar. lol)
November brought birthdays (including the brother/uncle we lost in July - an emotional week), pumpkin (Sunshine and I have declared pumpkin an official season. We boiled down our jack-o-lanterns and have made many a pumkin recipe since!), and family get-togethers, as well as finally getting family visits approved for the girls! They started having visits in their hometown with their aunts and uncles which means a LOT of traveling for our girls. Thankfully they set up transport for them because there is no way we could do it every other weekend! Our girls got three Thanksgiving dinners - one with Hubby's family the weekend before, one with my family the day of, and one with their family the weekend after! They thought that was amazing and awesome.
December went by way too fast! Christmas activities abounded and we had lots of good family times and made good memories. The girls' had a lot more "first" experiences with our family. The girls chose to spend Christmas with us rather than travel to spend it with their family, which was surprising. It was wonderful having them with us, it would have been strange not to I think. The kids were all more than happy with their gifts, especially as we had a wonderful anonymous Christmas Angel bring gifts of clothing and shoes and coats to all our kids! I have never seen kids so excited for clothes! lol It was a wonderful blessing! The girls' had a fun four day visit with their family after Christmas and came home just in time for New Year's.
January has been hectic. I can't believe it is almost over! New Year's was a low key night at home with just me and the little kids. The teenagers all went out for the night to approved youth activities, and me and the littles stayed home and watched movies and played games. Then back to school! Now we are having a few health concerns for Sunshine that we hope to find answers to quickly. I can't believe we are almost to February. It has been a whirlwind year!
We are quickly creeping up on our one year anniversary with our girls! We are none of us looking forward to March though as it will bring the one year anniversary of their Mother's death as well. I am sure things will get stormy around then. We are working to arrange a special visit with family for that time period.
This post has gotten too long, even though I have left out a lot! I will have to keep up better. No more avoiding the big feelings!
