Upcoming tonsilectomy!

Bella's ENT appointment last Monday went well.

The Dr. took one look at her tonsils and told us they definitely need to come out, and sooner rather than later. He said they are huge (the same thing her pediatrician and the PA in their office said when they saw them), and that it is obvious from their appearance that they have been fighting infection for years.

They should have come out a long time ago.

Bella told us she has been to a few doctors about her sore throats, but they always told her they needed a "history" of the ongoing problem (meaning they have to have seen her in their office for the problem multiple times within 6 months).

Yeah, that isn't really feasible when you are bouncing back and forth in and out of foster care and from placement to placement.

I don't know what is wrong with those other doctors, as the ENT says he can see just from looking at them that this has been and on going problem. The doctor even expressed concern on NOT taking them out right away. He said the tonsils are so bad that there is a substantial risk of an abcess forming, a condition that could be life threatening.

So we said "Let's do it! How soon can we schedule the surgery?" Bella was so excited she was bouncing in her chair (an end to pain and feeling terrible!). The doctor said he could get her in within a week or two (Yay!), but did we have the paperwork that says I can approve the procedure? Well, of course I have the Notice to Provider form! (This is the paper that I have to give to every medical professional the girls see, as well as the schools that says I am their foster parent and have the authority to sign paperwork and make basic medical/educational decisions) What? That isn't the form we need?

Turns out we have to have an actual court order before we can even schedule the operation.

So I call their caseworker. She says she will start the paperwork.

I call again a few days later to check on it (this is the only way to make sure things don't sit on someone's desk for extended periods of time...CPS wheels turn slow). She tells me she has filled out the proper forms and submitted everything to the AL. Now it is up to the AL to submit the paperwork to the court.

I do not have contact info for the AL. I do not even know the AL's name. I do not even know what the "AL" is! I am assuming she meant GAL or Guardian ad Litem (This is a person, often an attorney, who is appointed by the court to represent the interests of foster child/children in a particular court case. They are supposed to meet with the kids and get to know their needs and all particulars of the case so that they can best represent and advocate for the children's best interests. They have a huge influence in court. I don't even know if the girls have a GAL.)

Ms. CW told me that as soon as the paperwork went through and the court order was given, the ENT's office would be contacted, and they would in turn contact me.

We are still waiting to hear anything. I have been waiting for Monday so I can call Ms. CW again and hopefully get her to call the AL and find out where the process is at. I will not be surprised if I am told no one knows anything and we just have to wait.

CPS stinks.

The days march on...

The last couple weeks have been busy with Sunshine and Bee's birthdays just one week apart (we had two very fun, very different parties), soccer practices and games, two family visits (one with bio aunts/uncles/cousins, one with bio dad), miscellaneous appointments, parent/teacher conferences, and an ER visit.

Sunshine woke up with severe back pain Saturday and the ER was our only option. Thankfully they were able to help her without a lot of hassle and we were back home and she was pain free within a few hours. I hate waiting around at the ER, it always stresses me out.

I didn't even get to all the kids' conferences in. I have SIX kids in school and FOUR of them have multiple teachers, and all three schools held their conferences on the same day. It was an impossible task to say the least, but I did my best. Everyone seems to be doing well in school. No one has straight A's by any means, but no one is failing! Honestly, I would like to see C's brought up, but I can be satisfied with a C if they are working as hard as they can.

We still have more appointments to come this next week: ENT for Bella to address ongoing throat/tonsil issues. Sports physical for Bee. Counseling sessions for all three teens. Youth leader meetings for me (I was recently asked to serve as a youth leader for the young women in our church). With a family this large the appointments never end (by the middle of the week they all seem to multiply as well). Mixed in with the appointments is also our last week of Soccer practices and games.

Soccer is almost over! Saturday will be the final tournament games and closing ceremonies! I have to admit I will miss it. Coaching the two little ones' team has actually been pretty fun. It is a joy watching the 3-5 year olds chase the ball around their tiny little field, having a blast! I have also loved cheering on our two older soccer players this year, it has been a fun season all around!

September is almost over, and October has snuck up on us! We are getting geared up for Halloween already (two costumes checked off and put away! Only five more to go...), and I have already started my Christmas shopping in hopes of getting most of it done before the holiday crunch (it also helps the budget to spread out the cost over a few months). I am actually feeling on top of things (holiday related) right now!!

Birthdays in Foster care

We have one birthday down this month and one to go.  So, I am going to take a minute and talk about birthdays for foster kids.

Because birthdays are tricky in foster care.

You never know what is going to happen.

That kid that seems so excited to celebrate may suddenly beg to cancel their party when the grief of spending it away from their birth family hits them. A previously cheerful child may become withdrawn and depressed as a birthday approaches. Your timid and shy child may blossom and glow under the attention and recognition they never before recieved, or they may run and hide and become angry that you are the one who is giving them what they always wanted from their birth parents. There can be laughter, but there will usually also be tears. A birthday is a day of celebration, but it can also be a reminder of loss. I am not saying birthdays shouldn't be celebrated in foster care. They most certainly should be celebrated. It is something that should be approached with sensitivity, compassion, and understanding though.

When planning a party for a foster child, you should always involve the child. Find out what their expectations are and discuss realistically what you can or are willing to provide (some kids will ask for the moon, but settle for ice cream if you explain your budget limitations - other kids will be surprised and thrilled they get their very own party/cake/gifts). Include them in your family's birthday traditions, and ask them if they have any birthday traditions they would like to observe. Be considerate of your child's comfort level; If they get overwhelmed by crowds, keep the party small. If they are nervous around unfamiliar people, only invite family and close friends whom they know well. If they are easily overstimulated, keep decorations, invites, and number of gifts minimal. Plan around your child, and remember this is about them, not showing the world what a great parent you are by throwing an amazing shindig. (honestly this is something I have to remind myself with all my kids' parties. No one is judging! ok...some people are, but why do we care?) If a party isn't in the cards there are many other ways to acknowledge a birthday and make your child feel special; make a special birthday meal (any meal will do! Birthday breakfasts are a huge tradition for many families, but a one-on-one lunch will make any kid feel special and a kid-picked dinner is always a hit.), go on a special outing as a family or as a "date" with just the birthday child, make the child king/queen for the day, etc, etc.

It doesn't really matter what you do, as long as you make your foster child feel special and loved and make sure they know their existence is a reason to celebrate! Respect any feelings of sadness or loss, but encourage (not force) them to celebrate their special day in whatever way is comfortable for them.

Multiple times I have seen a birthday celebration be a turning point or huge leap forward in my relationships with my foster children. This is a chance to show them you care! It doesn't take a lot of money, just some time and maybe a little sacrifice. It is worth whatever you put into it 100x over.

It's Life.

So we have "worked out" the missing stipend check issue. Ha. What that really means is that I jumped through their hoops. I got a form signed and notarized saying I never got my check and that I want a new one, and mailed it off. Now we wait 5-10 business days (hopefully - CPS is not known for being prompt or caring about their own timelines) for them to issue a new one. Which means it will probably get here right around the same time as this months check (or shortly after). Crazy ridiculous. It is amazing how bad the state treats foster parents. I get that not all foster homes are good. There are lots of bad ones. Is that really a good reason to just assume we are ALL bad and should be treated badly though? Even the girls' caseworker agreed we were treated harshly. The payment people were just all so RUDE. Whatever though. We can't change it and I have to get past it. The only other option is to just quit (which honestly, I was very tempted to do this past week). Quitting would throw these three girls back into the broken system though, which would most likely split them up and place at least one of them if not all three into group homes. That would be terrible and traumatic to them all. Group homes are not good places. I am only still in this because I love these girls too much to allow that to happen. I feel so beat down by it all though.

We took a break from it all though and went ahead and took a camping trip over labor day weekend. We camped with my sister and her family and it was a fun family time. Between our two families we had SIX teenagers and eight kids between 11 and 4 years. You would think it would have been chaotic, but instead it was fun and relaxing.

Now we are bracing for two birthdays right on top of each other, and a week full of appointments. With seven kids it never slows down.

Foster Care...the gift that keeps on taking...

Beyond frustrated and angry today. We have yet to receive our stipend check for July. They tell us they mailed it out on the 13th, but it never arrived which means it is probably lost in the mail. You would think they would be able to put a stop payment on the lost check and reissue a new one, but no. Nothing is that simple in the land of CPS. First they must make you feel like a lying criminal. Then they will tell you to wait while they mail you forms to fill out and notarize with your bank (and don't ask them "why" or what these forms are for or they will get very snide and rude and tell you "because that is the process", like that means something). Then you have to wait for their "process" before you get the money they owe you, but they won't actually tell you how long that is going to take. All the while you are taking care of their kids, trying to pay bills and provide food and clothing and school supplies. We have had to borrow money from our families to pay the utility bills and buy groceries because of the extra money we spent on buying school supplies. The everyday needs of three teenage girls do not wait for a check. Sometimes I really, really hate this system. The girls' caseworker is trying to help us out from her side, but I really don't know how much clout she has in this situation, but since I can't reach our caseworker from our licensing agency I will take what help I can get. We don't do this for the money, but the fact is, we can't do this without that money. We just can't afford to support three extra kids without help. The paycheck we get will only stretch so far and I can't hurt my forever kids by allowing them to go without because CPS can't get their act together. We will see how this plays out, but I told the girls' worker if this isn't figured out quickly we are done.  This is not the first time we have been put in a difficult financial situation because of CPS delaying money. I love our three teenagers, they are absolutely wonderful, but my forever family has to come first.

Summer is drawing to a close

It has been a busy, fun, trying, super emotional summer! We have kept busy with one thing and another since my last post.

Bella did her soccer camp and had a BLAST. The coaches were impressed with her and even though she was the youngest girl there she excelled. We now have her (and 3 of our 4 bios) signed up for AYSO soccer this fall. They should be starting practices this coming week. For the next 8 weeks all Saturdays will now be soccer days! Bella has been looking forward to it ever since her camp ended.

Hubby and I had a training with our agency, and for the first time we let Sunshine, Bee, and Bella babysit our little ones. We were initially told by our agency that they could not ever watch our kids, and that the older girls themselves were not to be left unsupervised for more than an hour or so at a time. This mad things very, very complicated when Hubby and I had to go somewhere, or even if I just needed to go shopping. Let's just say we ran into a lot of "gray area" and even broke the rules a few times out of necessity when it came to leaving one or more of the girls on their own. These girls are 13, 14, and 16 for crying out loud! So, the girls finally asked their caseworker if they could babysit our kids (they had been asking to be allowed to sit for us to earn $$, or to sit for other people). Turns out the state has no regulations against the girls babysitting for us or anyone else. So we decided to give them a chance at it. The kids all did wonderful. The older girls are wonderful babysitters, especially Bee. Our little ones do very well with them. Our caseworker was not thrilled with this change, but she hasn't told us to stop either. That is good enough for me.

The kids and I also attended a Family Fun Day at a nearby lake, hosted by our licensing agency. I took my sister and her two little ones along and we had a super fun day. Sunshine, Bee, and Blondie (bio daughter #1) ended up in the lake when Bee capsized their canoe. Bella was in a nearby boat with my sister and myself and the dog we rescued from their canoe just before Bee got ornery and tipped them kind of accidentally on purpose. It was pretty hilarious. The whole day was tons of fun.

We finished up all the dental, medical, and vision appointments.

Right after our Colorado vacation Bee surprised us by asking to meet with the missionaries from our church to learn more about what we believe. (The girls have all been going to church with us every Sunday since they came to live here. They have been raised as Christian, but have attended various denominations so were not specifically affiliated with any particular sect. We gave them the option of going with us or finding another church they liked in the area and they all opted to just attend with us. We are members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints, commonly known as Mormon.) We put her off until we could speak to her caseworker, as we have always been told that religious issues must always involve the bio parents. Her caseworker told us differently. According to her the girls are old enough to make their own decisions about religion and the state would allow them to do so without parental permission. Bee wanted to move ahead right away, but we insisted she talk to her father first out of respect. He gave begrudging "permission" and we set up the lessons for her. Bee quickly moved through the lessons and soon asked to be baptized a member of our church. I have to say here that we put NO pressure on her to make these decisions. We support her decisions, and we encourage her to follow her heart and conscience, but we have never done more than answer questions she brought to us and follow her lead. Again we asked her caseworker if she needed permission to be baptized, and again she told us the decision was completely Bee's. We still had her call her dad and tell him out of respect. He was not happy, but she stood her ground and he eventually wished her happiness in her decision, though he made it clear he did not agree with or like her decision. It was a tense conversation. She stayed calm throughout though and never wavered from her choice. She is a girl who knows her own mind and is never afraid to go her own way. Her baptism was a sweet spiritual experience.

We also experienced a family loss this summer. My husband's younger brother passed away in result of a terrible car accident. The weeks following his death have been a trial, and the older girls have been a blessing. Only a couple days after his passing the girls had plans to attend Girls' Camp with the other young women in our church. A good friend helped me get them ready and off to camp, then hubby and our bio kids and I headed out to my in-laws home to spend time with his family prior to the funeral. My mother then picked the girls up from camp on her way to the funeral and brought them to us. We gave the girls the option of staying at the house rather than attending the services, but they came and supported us and helped out with the little ones. Their presence was touching and much appreciated.

Now we are in the midst of back to school preparations! We already got our shopping out of the way for Blondie and Freckles (bio daughter #2), but are waiting on a state check before setting out for the older girls. They will get $80 each for school supplies and $75 for clothes, and anything they don't use for supplies out of the $80 will also go toward new clothes. It doesn't seem like much, but it is more than we are spending on our bio kids this year (The bio kids only get one or two new outfits this year as they don't really need any new clothes but I like to get them something new for the first day or two of school so they have that new school year excitement.) We have only a week and a half until school starts here, so hopefully the checks arrive sooner rather than later.

I say a week and a half, but that is only for MOST of the kids. Bee will actually be doing online school this year! We are starting her in Primavara in hopes of allowing her to make up credits so that she can catch up to her peer group. Everyone who knows her agrees, she should NOT be in 8th grade this year (by everyone I particularly mean her caseworker, her therapist, and her teachers, but also her church group leaders, as well as her friends and other adults that know her well would agree.) Socially and emotionally she is far beyond the kids she goes to school with. She was held back in early elementary school, but rather than progressing socially with her school grade peers she passed them up (likely due to her home circumstances). She is also a September baby so she will turn 15 right after school starts. How hard to be a 15 year old 8th grader, especially when you are already more mature than most 15 year olds! She still has to meet her academic goals though, so online school is her only option to not "be" in middle school while all her friends move on to high school (or continue in high school as most of her friends are 15-17 years old). She will also have the chance to use their accelerated program to "catch up" if she is willing to work really hard this year. She may be able to move on to her Sophmore year next year, or at least move into her Freshman year with extra credits towards graduation. That is her goal; graduating with her peers rather than a year behind them. It is all dependent on how much she is willing to apply herself. The conditions her caseworker gave us when she approved the online schooling was that if she starts to fall behind she HAS to go back to the traditional school. I think she has what it takes though and will excel this year.

So, tomorrow morning we are off on our last summer adventure: a family campout! Three days of wilderness bonding and together time. It will be the perfect end to our crazy Summer.

Home from Vacation, and back to Real Life!

Yesterday was our first full day home from vacation. It was almost back to normal. Hubby was sweet enough to get our two Summer schoolers where they needed to be on his way to take the four-wheelers we borrowed back to his parents home.

  

*I should add here that a few days after school got out we got a letter in the mail letting us know that Sunshine was being given the chance to do Summer school in order to complete one of her online courses. She started both her online courses when she got here and had only six weeks to do an entire year worth of assignments. She completed her math course quickly, but got hung up on the science course and we thought the credit was lost. How wonderful that she gets to keep going and complete it! Being able to focus exclusively on the one course had allowed her to zoom through the assignments and she is almost done!

 

The other kids got up and got started on their chores right away. "Why?" you ask, are they so eager to do chores? Well, before vacation we instituted a new policy. We change the wi-fi password every night, and we don't give it out until they have finished their chores the next day. Bee found the idea on facebook and suggested we try it (She was our only non complainer about chores previously). It works amazingly well, especially since this applies to the TVs as well.

I started to unpack (still some stuff waiting for today), start laundry (piles remain), and make order out of the chaos that always comes from the packing and unpacking of a vacation. We still have a ways to go.

Our vacation was a success though. We had a lot of fun together. We played lots of games, explored the area around the cabin, rode four-wheelers, went on an excursion to Mesa Verde national park to see the Indian ruins there, roasted marshmallows and had smores, put together a few puzzles, watched a few movies, and generally enjoyed each others' company. It was great. We tried to go swimming too, but of the three swimming holes on the property; one was mostly dried up, and the other two were brown and full of algae and weeds, and we couldn't get the kids to do more than wade along the edges. We did see lots of animal prints around the water which was cool. The kids were in love with the racoon tracks.

The older girls had a lot of new experiences while we were there, but their favorite was definitely the four-wheelers. After getting the go-ahead from their caseworker we taught them how to drive them safely, although Bella had one minor mishap that scared everyone a bit but taught the girls respect for the machines. She got banged up a bit, but fortunately nothing more serious than a few bruises. Afterward they were all three more cautious and concientious.

We all got worn out in a good way.

Now we just have to take a few days to recover, although the busy has already grabbed us again.

Yesterday was the Report and Review hearing for the girls' case. We listened in by phone so we didn't have to leave the house, but it was a draining experience. Sunshines bio dad has officially asked for TPR (termination of parental rights). This is a process that will leave her as a legal orphan.  She still has her sisters and their dad is her "dad", as he is the one who raised her. The legal problem is that there is very little chance that CPS will be able to place her with him because he is not a legal relative, which means he would have to be licensed to foster/adopt her. There is very little chance he will be eligible for that. If he were in AZ they might be able to fudge it a bit and allow it, but he is in Nevada and that requires interstate paperwork. Nevada is very unlikely to allow it to happen. So, now we are preparing her for what comes next. Most likely that will be either aging out of the system in just over a year, or emancipation so she can go to Nevada when/if her sisters do. Heavy stuff for a 16 year old to deal with. The other two had to deal with the reality that they will be here at LEAST another three months, possibly longer if their dad does not work his butt off to complete the list of requirements he has been given to show he is capable of caring for the girls. This will not be easy. He is almost 60 years old and has just had multiple back surgeries. We are praying for him, but it is not going to be an easy road.

Today we have a CFT. Another phone conference. We will discuss what happened at court yesterday as well as the usual stuff. It should be interesting. Then, later this afternoon Sunshine has another dental appointment. They are finishing up the work she needed done, so hopefully this will be her last one for awhile.

The kids and I get the weekend to ourselves (Hubby left for work for a few days), then Monday we have a home visit from the girls' caseworker, and then they have a visit with their dad immediately afterward. This visit will be here in town, at the library and/or park, by the girls' request. (Next visit will likely be in another town half way between here and dad's home, which means the girls will have to travel a few hours). Hubby will also be home Monday, so we have a few errands that will need taken care of then. Tuesday and Wednesday Bella will be attending soccer camp (got to get her registered today!).

We continue to speed through our Summer break. September will be here before we know it!

School is officially out!

Okay, so it has been out for almost a week now but I am barely getting around to blogging about it (but then, I haven't blogged about anything for awhile).

Funny how I thought that once end-of-school activities were over I would have all this down time and things would slow down. We are not slow at all! It has been non-stop go all month and shows no signs of letting up. We have lots of fun Summer plans (lots of memories to be made!), and mingled with CPS plans (family visits, home visits, counseling appointments, etc) we are going to be busy, busy, busy!

This week we took a visit to spend some time with Hubby while he was working. He works out of town, so is only home off and on (roughly half the month), so a couple months ago we finally got him an apartment near his work. We (the kids and I) hadn't had the chance to visit and see the new place so we took a few days and went and stayed with him. It was nice because this would have been time we normally wouldn't have seen him for about a week. We swam, climbed a rock wall (so much scarier than I thought it would be!), and just hung out. It was good fun family bonding time. In the evenings Hubby came home and was equally delighted and overwhelmed by having the whole brood in his personal space (did I mention the new apartment is only a two-bedroom? NO ESCAPE!). Craziness and good times. A few drama moments. Some teen moments. But a pretty good time.

Then home again and we began/continued the process of getting Bee ready for the pioneer trek. Our church does a handcart pioneer trek for the youth that lasts four days and as soon as Bee heard about it she was enthusiastic about participating (Bella isn't old enough and Sunshine was not interested). We had to get the Dr. to sign off on her going due to medical issues and for a while we were doubtful about if it was going to happen. She was upset and angry. It is hard to be 14 with medical restrictions on your physical activities. I was happy we got the go ahead in the end, as this could give her the opportunity to show that she can do more than she has been allowed to do. Other than the Dr approval we had to gather all the necessary clothing and gear, as well as complete a four mile walk in under an hour (All participants were required to complete the walk to show they were fit enough for the physical demands of pushing a handcart up to 16 miles a day). Thursday we drive 45 minutes to counseling appointments for Bella and Bee, then Bee leaves for the Trek Friday and she is excited as can be.

I have also spent the last couple days cleaning a few neglected areas of the house (my bedroom and bathroom, the little girls bedroom oh, my!, mounds of laundry, etc.) so that we will be ready to go on our family vacation to a cabin in Colorado for five days. Everyone is excited about going! Hanging out, hiking, swimming, biking, maybe even fishing. We'll see what happens.

We will leave two days after Bee gets back from the trek.

This will also be two days after bio#2 starts summer school. She will miss a couple of days, and hopefully this will not cause too much of a fuss. She needs the Summer school, but she is already a mess about how "not fair" it is that she has to go to school when everyone else doesn't. If we were to postpone or cancel the trip due to school it will go very hard on all of us. The whole family is looking forward to this trip and so this is where we have a balancing act of what needs to happen with what may cause more problems. We already had a full on multiple melt down when we had to cancel one family get away with extended family due to extended family insensitivities to CPS regulations and refusal to acknowledge our foster girls as actual family members (still too miffed myself to write a post on that one, although it is very pertinent to foster care...its on my to do list...FYI, No, we can't won't "just get respite for them" because finding room for them is inconvenient).

When we get back we have a couple days before our scheduled CFT, then a home visit from the girl's caseworker as well as a visit with bio dad for the girls.

Then some sports clinics for Bee and Bella, and a couple pic-nics with our licensing agency to wrap up June.

We have a few things scheduled from there, but I just can't think that far ahead yet. We also have to fit a camping trip in somewhere this Summer (who was the crazy person who promised the kids camping!? Oh...me...sigh).

Getting back to "normal"

So, the lice are mostly eradicated. Four out of six heads were completely clear of lice as of last night. The other two only had a couple eggs, which is far less than on previous nightly head checks and easy to remove. Hopefully this means we will be completely lice free within a few days. Nightly head checks will continue for the next week or so, then if everyone stays clear we will move to every few days, and eventually weekly. For the forseeable future that is our new normal. Never again will I take a lice free head of hair for granted!

In all this head checking (time consuming!!) and other crazy the house got away from us, so now it is time to bring all the chaos back under control. The girls are all back to school today so I will be working to reduce the mess in each "chore area" today, then the kids will be able to finish up when they do their regular chores this afternoon. They each have one daily chore which rotates. Over this past week chore completion got very spotty while I was distracted by other things and everyone took advantage of that. I have to say I am sick to death of getting dirty looks when I bring up chores! Before the lice we were in a pretty good routine and griping was kept to a minimum, but you know what they say about giving inches and taking miles. Now its time to jump back into a routine and keep on it. I will not be popular over the next few days! lol

Getting back into routine is going to be challenging but essential because tomorrow starts our "normal" crazy type week with appointments, field trips, a concert, and a luncheon. Friday Sunshine, Bee, and Bella have a visit with their family and will be gone all day. Then we will do it again the next week. May is a crazy month for any family with end of school activities, but mix it up with all the complicated mess of CPS and it becomes ridiculous! If we can survive this month summer should bring some much needed down time.

Guess what I have been doing all day...

(Do not ask me why the picture is sideways...I rotated it, I cropped it, I edited...and yet here it sits in its original form...sideways. and I am too tired to care any more)

This morning I discovered a nightmare in my little girl's hair. Turns out that nightmare inhabited ALL SIX heads of girl hair in our home. Uhhhgg!! (Little Mr. escaped with only one little live louse which was quickly taken care of by shaving off all his hair)

So we all spent the day at home delousing and nit picking. NOT MY IDEA OF FUN. Although we did manage to work in a lot of laughter and good family time. Can you bond over vermin?? Apparently you can. hahaha!

Thankfully Sunshine, Bee, and Bella were amazingly helpful. They did all three of the younger girls' hair on their own (they volunteered as they have experience with lice, and up til now I did not!). Meanwhile I ran around gathering bedding to be washed, running to the store for one product and another, and trying to make sense of the chaos that had befallen. Munchkins #1 and #3 were relatively quick and easy (about 45 minutes each), but munchkin #2 has thicker hair and a far worse infestation. She was in the combing chair for 2 HOURS. She was a trooper. 

The older girls hair wasn't too bad except for poor Bella. The worst case by far, and it took about 2 hours with two to three of us working at a time. She felt so bad, and I was sad for her! This was not her fault. We believe it likely started with her, probably picked up at the group home they were at before coming here, but we can never really know for sure where they came from, and she isn't to blame. No one is. Lice happens everywhere. It happens to clean people as well as dirty people, rich, poor, in between. No one is immune...especially if you have children who attend public school or headstart, or if you do foster care. It is actually surprising that we never had to deal with lice when we did foster care in the past. It is a common problem and we were told to be prepared and look out for it. It still snuck in!

The bad thing is that there IS a STIGMA, and I just hope the kids at school don't make an issue of it  for any of our kids if they hear about it (and it is a small town).

Lice is not nice...it is terrible and exhausting. I am still washing load after load of bedding while my kids sleep in their super clean sanitized beds with their super clean, (hopefully) lice free hair. My brain has shut down, so this post may not make a lot of sense. Thankfully, tomorrow Hubby gets home and will jump in with helping on daily comb outs and inspections for a few days. 

We will be hypervigilant for the the next month to make sure nothing survives to re-infest the house!

One bright spot: We treated my hair as well (school nurse and pharmacist said to treat everyone in the house), but I did not have a single nit nor louse! Little miracle there as I am not sure how it is even possible. Thanking the Man Upstairs for that small blessing!

Junior High is tough

I got a call this morning from the school asking me to come in for a conference. Bee had a run in with one of her teachers in which lots of attitude was exchanged.

(Of course I only got one side of the story over the phone.)

We were dealing with a male teacher, and one that I knew would respond better to another male, so I took hubby along. I also wanted him to speak to Bee first before we came into the conference. They have bonded lately and she really responds well to him. I was also used to threaten her ("if you don't change your attitude...I'll have to call your foster mom to come pick you up"), so I figured she might shut down when she saw me. It ended up being a good call both ways.

I hate teachers with control issues and condescending attitudes. Just saying.

We talked, he lectured, she scowled, he left. Then we had a good conversation with her about dealing civilly with people in authority who aren't very nice and you don't like. Like teachers, and later, bosses. She didn't like it, but she is smart and saw the truth of it. I think it helped her to know that we agreed with her opinion of the teacher. After he left we asked the vice principal (who happens to be a personal friend) to sit down with us and we spoke to her about some specific issues Bee has with this teacher. She was able to offer some ways that Bee could deal with the issues in a direct but respectful manner. She is also going to work on getting Bee a plan in place to help with her learning challenges.

Then, we talked about another issue Bee has been dealing with. Bullies. She has been dealing with a couple girls who have been harassing her in the halls and in the two classes they have together. She has handled it very well so far. Honestly she is totally capable of knocking both of them on their hind ends and getting them off her back that way. She really wanted to do so. But she has chosen not to. Instead she brought her problem to the attention of the school counselor, myself, and the VP. We all agree she is showing great self restraint, especially considering all the other emotional weight she is currently dealing with. The problem has continued though, despite efforts by the VP to put an end to it. So today we discussed it more and in the process found the possible root of the problem; a conversation and a tactless (but well intentioned) comment. Bee was clueless about what caused the hostility at first, but once we got her talking and heard about the exchange and pointed out how it might have embarrassed the other girl and made her angry she was quick to put the pieces together. When I picked her up from school she told me she had taken the VP's advice and went to the other girl and apologized. They made up and "are friends again" and later the girl's BFF (the meaner of the two) ceased hostilities and even went so far as to apologize herself! Bully problem solved! I was so so proud of Bee. She really showed her character through the whole thing. It was a tough situation, and she really handled it well.

In all we spent over two hours at the school sorting things out. I had forgotten how rough junior high can be, but today was a huge reminder. It shows just how great these girls of mine are.

CFT

So, the CFT was actually last week, but I am finally getting around to posting about it here. For those not in the foster care world: CFT stands for Child Family Team meeting. The meeting takes place either in person or, as in our case, over the phone. All the adults involved in the case (bio parents, foster parents, caseworker, mental health people, etc) get together and talk about the case and the needs of the children. I have not participated in very many of these meetings (our county is not very good about involving foster parents in ANYTHING), so I wasn't quite sure what to expect. The phone conference was a little awkward, but Ms. CW did a good job of mediating and making sure everyone got a chance to be heard and everyone was polite and calm. The first big surprise of the meeting was that Sunshine's bio dad was present, along with a lawyer to represent him. He has not EVER been involved in her life. She has only met him twice in her life. We did not expect him to involve himself with her CPS case at all, so it was a bit of a shocker to us and to Bella and Bee's bio dad, who raised Sunshine from the time she was about 3mos old. It could have gotten a bit ugly, but everything stayed civil.

I was given the chance to report on the girls and how they are doing (all positive), and pass along a few requests from the bio family that they asked about at the memorial. One of those was for possible placement (not likely to happen due to past history, but they want to try). Bio dad for Bella and Bee weighed in and expressed his desire that the girls stay with us until he can take them. I was a bit surprised. He feels his girls are "happy and thriving" with us and he would rather they stay here then go to family. I think there is a lot going on in the family relationships we don't know about. We were ready to support the goal of kinship care, but with both BD and the girls preferring they stay with us we are likely to have them for at least the next six months. That is how long it will be before he can be considered for placement.

Another surprise; Sunshine's BD (let's call him BD#2) wanted to know why his home hadn't had a home study done. The implication was that he wants to be considered for placement. I assume he means for Sunshine only, but that is not totally clear as he wasn't able to say much more before Ms. CW cut him off and said they would speak about it in a private call after the CFT. I assume she wanted to get details before this was brought into open discussion with BD#1 involved. It could have gotten heated, and for little reason. If Sunshine doesn't want to live with BD#2 there is little chance of a placement. So far she has refused his requests for phone visitation, although she did accept his facebook friend request. The mental health staff member and I both encouraged BD#2 to work on his relationship with Sunshine via facebook, but to not pressure her. Sunshine seemed confused, but pleased when she told us about the friend request, so there may be hope for developing some kind of relationship. It may never be a traditional father/daughter relationship, but a healthy grown up relationship with her bio roots would be good for Sunshine.

A few other details were discussed, then the call ended.

Relatively painless. Much more surprising than expected. 

Vision appointments, caseworker visit, a road trip, and a memorial service...

It has been a crazy few days.

Friday morning we had a visit from the girls' new caseworker (if you are keeping track, this makes caseworker #3 since they came into our care four weeks ago). It was a bit strange, but not unpleasant. She was very nice and spent quite a while talking with the girls. She has been working the case alongside their last caseworker for a week or so, so she is familiar with the case but this is her first time to actually meet the girls. She had to drive almost 6 hours to get here so that is not as strange as it sounds. One of the perks of such a distant placement is we don't have CPS constantly in our face, but they are also a bit unreachable at times, and travel is required on both ends. We got to ask some questions that have been lingering and get some answers finally. She also got to see our house in full crazy mode when my sisters showed up to pick up Bella and our oldest bio daughter for a day trip with my nieces to celebrate birthdays. There were lots of girls and lots of chatter and my sister and I trying to hash out last minute details. It was a bit overwhelming, but Ms. CW seemed amused by it all.

After Ms. CW left I took Sunshine and Bee over for their vision appointments. Bella was supposed to have one too, but we rescheduled for next week so she could go on the day trip. The appts went smoothly and Sunshine got a spare pair of glasses that will be in next week. She was a bit worried over what kind of frames CMDP (Arizona's foster care insurance) would cover, but she was pleasantly surprised with the number of choices. She said last time she got glasses she had only 10 pairs to choose from. Here, she had bunches. It was nice to see her happy with what she found. After hearing what her sisters had to say Bella is actually excited for her appointment so she can get her glasses ordered. Her current pair is broken, so we already know she needs a new pair.

The girls' family contacted them on Thursday to let them know their mother's memorial service had finally been scheduled for Sunday morning. Their mom passed away after they were taken into care, but just before they were placed with us and we have been waiting for a funeral date and time. We chose to take the girls ourselves rather than having a CPS worker take them when we were told they had to be supervised at ALL TIMES during the "visit".  That means we had to be right by their side, listening to every conversation. Can you imagine being at your mother's memorial service and having a total stranger follow you around? Creepy. That is what it would be. Because there are three girls they would all have had to stay together at all times as well. With both me and hubby there the girls had more freedom to mingle and feel normal, even if we did have to follow them around. Everyone took it in stride and was nice about it, which was a pleasant surprise. It was a bit nerve racking making this trip, knowing we would meet all the family and not really knowing for sure how they felt about us. Everyone was kind, supportive of the girls, and excited to see them. They were appreciative of us bringing them and grateful we were caring for them rather than resentful or angry (which was what I had feared).  They had a nice simple and sweet service, a bit of lunch, and a lot of visiting. The girls were able to spend a lot of time with their dad, who gave them each a piece of their mother's jewelry. When we finally left it was with lots of well wishes, hugs for the girls, and hopes of a family visit in the near future.  These girls have a very supportive family who loves them very much. Unfortunately, a lot of bad choices have been made in the past that prevent the girls from being placed in kinship care for the present, but hopefully not for long term. The trip home was a long but enjoyable one. The girls were in high spirits and we had some fun conversations, and a new lunch experience for the girls. Just before we reached home Sunshine turned to me a smile and said "that was a fun trip."
I am so grateful we took them ourselves.

Not surprisingly after such a weekend Monday jumped up and bit me in the bum. I could hardly get out of bed yesterday. I felt emotionally and physically exhausted. I felt miserable on so many levels. Thankfully hubby stepped up and took care of the kids, the kids stepped up and took care of their chores, and after a day of rest I am back up on my feet. Just in time to jump into a week full of dental, doctor, and vision appointments! And a CFT...  

"I could never do foster care, I would just get too attached"

 I was at the park yesterday chatting with a couple friends as our little ones played when the subject of foster care came up. When you foster, it gets brought up a LOT...usually by someone else, and it won't take long before you hear the phrase: "I could never do foster care. I would just get too attached."

Way back when we did foster care the first time this comment didn't phase me much. Hadn't I had the same thoughts when my husband first brought up the idea? It took a strong prompting from the Lord telling us (me) this was the path we needed to follow to convince me to give it a go. So, when people would share such thoughts I would nod in understanding, say something like "It can be really hard." and not think much of it, other than feeling a pang of guilt, like maybe I wasn't getting attached enough if I could still function after a child leaving.

Yesterday though, it struck me differently and I found myself struggling for a way to express my feelings. I felt like shouting: "So you think I don't get attached?!! Should only cold unfeeling people foster?? Just what are you saying??!" After a moment though I realized that the comment wasn't about ME, it was about THEM. You are doing a great thing that I admire, but its a really hard thing, and I just couldn't do it! The last part "I would just get too attached" isn't a judgment, it's a fear. I believe what is really meant is "I don't think I am strong enough to survive letting go." or even just "I don't want to go through the pain of letting go"

When this epiphany struck my first reflex was to alleviate the fear. (Which in retrospect is kind of ridiculous, because it is a valid fear and a reality of foster care). So I told them what I have told a lot of people: If you had to take your sister/cousin/other-family-member's children for some reason and care for them for awhile you would love them and nurture them, and then when their parents were able to take them back, you would happily reunite the family. You would miss them, but you would give them back because they are not yours to keep. (I do realize this is not a perfect analogy, but it relays the sentiment I was going for. There are many more aspects to foster care that can make it much, much more complicated than this. But, you get the idea.)

My friends nodded and looked understanding, but I felt like I hadn't really made an impression. So I tried again. I told them that It can be hard when kids leave, but you have to go into it realizing it isn't about you, it's about the kids. It's about giving them a good home.

I wasn't as eloquent as I would have liked. There were small children running all around us. We left the conversation there. I don't know if I made any sort of impression at all and reflecting on the conversation later I was a little frustrated that I hadn't been able to put into words a proper answer.  It is an answer that requires a bit of reflection I believe. Today though I came across a blog post by Mary @ Adoption & Foster Care: My Personal Experiences that made me say "YES! THIS! This is what I wanted to say!!"

http://mamamem.blogspot.com/2014/04/foster-care-isnt-for-you.html

There was also a link to another post she had written a few years ago that she wrote in answer to this exact comment:

http://mamamem.blogspot.com/2010/03/i-could-never-do-foster-care.html

I am linking them here so that I can read and re-read them so the next time I hear "I could never do foster care..." I will have the words to express my heart better. Who knows, I may even be able to change someone else's.

Case notes

A few Goings On in the next few months...

We have a Report and Review court date in June. The girls' cw told me they need to be there...and totally acted like I wasn't supposed to be, then when I spoke with our cw about how the girls would get there she emphasized that I was REQUIRED to be there, by phone at LEAST, but that it would be better to be there in person.  Apparently, this is when the foster parents are supposed to report on how the kids are doing in the home. It is one of the few times when we get to be heard, and the CPS cw apparently doesn't think that is important. *sigh* SO...an eight our round trip is on the schedule for June.

The teens may also be starting visitations with Bio Dad. It isn't guaranteed, just "in the works". Ya, that could mean anywhere from a couple weeks to never. I am not even sure if this is something that will be decided in court in June, or if it is up to the cw's discretion. The girls are excited about the possibility though, especially Bella. I wouldn't have chosen to tell them and get hopes up about something that MAY happen, but the cw needed actual confirmation from the girls that they wanted visitation. The girls' have already been having phone contact with Bio Dad for the past couple weeks (supervised *speaker phone* calls), but the cw wasn't sure that would mean they would be okay with face to face contact. They talk to their dad almost every night, a fact that did not seem to please the cw when I mentioned it when she called today. These calls are authorized, but I think she believed the contact would be more sporadic. I support the calls though. The girls need this contact with their only living parent. To deny them that would be cruel. Their father is very respectful and appropriate and supportive of the girls and before he hangs up each night he prays with them. Which I think is wonderful. He is far from perfect, but from what I hear he is trying his best to become the father his girls need. I pray he can make the changes needed and stick with them because that would be the best outcome for our girls. I don't know what the court view is though. With CPS things can go any which way and I don't have a clue if they are even considering reunification with Bio Dad! The possibility of visitation is a good sign though, so we will pray for the best.

Despite visitations it looks like we may have the girls a good long while. Even if Bio Dad is considered he won't be an option for at least 6 months to a year while he completes his treatment program. The Aunt and Uncle that were being homestudied to take the girls may no longer be a possibility. It's not official, but an email to Sunshine made it clear that they are no longer wanting the girls to come live with them. It was rather harsh, but other than being a bit annoyed at the tone of the message the girls handled it calmly. In Sunshine's words (with a shrug) "I'd rather stay here for six months until we can go with my Dad anyway." I was a bit surprised, and grateful that they are happy and comfortable here. Things may change (like 50 times) as we go through the next few months, but it is good to know they are okay with being here for awhile.

Settling in

The teens came home from their first days of school with positive reviews. They liked the kids, the school was okay, teachers are no worse than anywhere else, and even the food was good!

The only complaint is that the AIMS tests (AZ's standardized testing) will be next week and the girls are not familiar with a LOT of the material that will be covered. They are doing reviews in class this week, but Bee and Bella (especially Bella) say they are not familiar with about half of the subject matter. In Bella's words: "I haven't even heard of half of this stuff!" She is pretty stressed. Unfortunately this is a typical side effect of foster care. These girls have been in care four times over the past three years...in 6 different homes. That is a lot of shuffling. But it isn't unusual. Especially not for older kids/teens. When homes are shuffled so are schools, usually in the middle of the school year, and the results are huge gaping holes in these kids' education that can create stress and really damage self-esteem. Smart kids start to feel dumb, and kids with learning disabilities?? They start to feel like they can never catch up, so why even try? I can't even imagine dealing with these kind of issues as a kid! Fortunately, my girls have very positive attitudes about life and are trying their best to jump into their school work. They are very smart and determined so I am hoping that if we can just keep them here with us through the rest of this school year they will get caught up and do okay. Then when/if they go to a relative placement they will be on track to start the new school year with everyone else. There will still be holes though, and hopefully they will get filled in. Continuity will be the key and I pray they get enough of that to make a difference.

Back to School!

Today is the first day back to school from Spring Break. Can you hear my huge sigh of relief?? Man, it has been a crazy week! We didn't do anything super special, but we got out a bit. Definitely not a vacation week!

We went clothes shopping for Sunshine, Bee, and Bella...this time in a neighboring town with much better shopping options. That was both a fun and crazy experience! It was good family bonding time. Poor Hubby had no idea what he was getting into though. I tried to warn him, but is any man ever really prepared to go shopping with SIX girls and their mother? We had a few rough spots until he came to terms. We did very well staying within budget...he just had a hard time with, well, TIME. I thought we did amazing actually. We covered three clothing stores and the shoe store in under four hours! We found shoes for six pairs of feet in under an hour! Hubby was not impressed. In fact he was very impatient. Apparently I do not take him shopping with our children nearly enough. I have to be fair and add that he did have a good reason to worry about the time as he had to leave for work that evening. He simply failed to factor in the reality of shopping with girls. He is still learning.

We also had a birthday party for our second oldest bio daughter. It was a super fun family tea party with lots of nibbles. The older girls were amazingly helpful getting everything ready. Afterwards my three bio girls left with their paternal grandmother to spend a few days at her house. This has become a family tradition over the last few years and our girls were super excited.

With the younger girls gone the house was a lot quieter over the next few days. Little Mister (our three year old) was delighted to have so much attention! He was much better behaved than normal (methinks he may benefit from more regular one on one time with Mom) and the teens decided they rather like him. It also gave the girls and I time to get to know each other better as well. I am getting very fond of these young ladies!

Saturday we (we = myself, my sister, her two littles, Little Mister, Sunshine, and Bella) went to pick up the little girls and did some yardsale-ing along the way. The pickings were slim though and we only ended up with a few things. We totally wore out Sunshine and Bella. In fact Bella was rather perturbed with us for not heading home sooner. Turns out she was actually getting sick. Later that night she threw up and was pretty miserable. Thankfully it was a fast moving bug and although she stayed home from church Sunday morning, she had rallied by the afternoon.

This morning was the teens first day at their new schools. I took them in to make sure they got their schedules and everything was in order. Bee and Bella were simple to check in. They got their handbooks and schedules, we called my niece up to the office to show them to their classes, and off they went. Easy peasy. The high school was a bit more involved, but thankfully much simpler than expected. We spent about 45 minutes with the guidance counselor getting Sunshine's schedule worked out. We were happy to find out that all her credits are safe and she is only behind by one credit. They gave her a couple courses at the alternative academy on campus where she can work online to complete the classes at her own pace. Those courses will allow her to not only catch up on the one course she is behind in, but also allows her to make up the missing credit she needs if she applies herself. That means next year she will be right on target to graduate with her class in two years. With all the school hopping that happens in foster care that is a BIG THING.

Now I am breathing easier, knowing we are finally going to be able to settle into some kind of an actual routine. The girls will start making friends and will settle in. My kids will settle down and won't have so much emotional turmoil (change makes them very emotional).  I will have a bit of quiet time to recharge. I don't dare hope for smooth sailing, but at least things shouldn't be so chaotic!

Shopping with the girls

After a slow and lazy morning the kids and I embarked on a shopping adventure! Shopping with three teenage girls while keeping track of a 3yr and a 5yr old and fending off the gimmees of my 9 and 10yr old...is exhausting!

To start off we had a couple errands to take care of. We stopped by the vision center to see about getting Bella's (our youngest teen) glasses fixed or replaced. Her frames are cracked above one of the lenses so we need to get them taken care of. Turns out the best option will probably be to get a new pair, but that will depend totally on if CMDP (foster care medical insurance) will cover a new pair. The other option is to possibly get new frames for the same lenses. That will be a long shot and may not work. I will have to visit with their cw about what the options are.

Next stop was the library. I have to say I LOVE how excited these girls were to get library cards and immediately find a book. They all came home with something to read. Even though our library is waaaaaay smaller than what they are used to they were happy to be there and enjoyed checking it out. My kids ran a bit a muck as we got the girls set up, and we had a few whines about just what wii game we were coming home with, but nothing too terrible.

From there we hit the only retail store in town that carries clothing in our price and style range, then  visited a couple thrift stores in search of pants for Bella (She arrived with only two pair). I didn't have super high expectations of finding something that would satisfy the girls, but happily we ended up with two pair while staying well under budget! Turns out that the emergency clothing stipend is only $75! I am just grateful these girls aren't divas who need name brands! We didn't even spend half though, so I promised Bella we would spend the rest the next time we make a trip to our larger neighboring town where shopping is much more plentiful. She was happy with that, and it gives us all something to look forward to.

At that point we all needed a break so we stopped by my mom's house so the girls could visit with my nieces and my little ones could run with their cousins. That is when I got my first lesson in teen parenting.  Bee (our middle teen) left to go hang out with my niece for a bit and my sister asks me "when did you tell her to be home?"...and I realize I didn't. My sister laughed at me. Then she helped me figure a reasonable time and I called my niece and had her relay the curfew. They weren't thrilled to have one, but they were accepting and made sure she was home a few minutes early. How strange it was to start watching the clock 1/2 an hour before that time and to start worrying! That strange balance between trust and fear, letting them make choices but still maintaining authority. Adding CPS to the mix makes it even weirder. I am not sure what the "rules" are for things like hanging out with friends, spending the night, unsupervised activities, etc. I want to just trust my own judgement, but I may have just broke a few without knowing while trying to let her just be a normal teenager. *sigh* I will have to have a chat with my cw before I chat with theirs so we can find the right balance.

After my mom's and before Bee showed back up, we went grocery shopping. We only had half my little ones, so it wasn't quite as crazy as it could have been, and I enjoyed spending the time with Sunshine and Bella. They are some great girls. It was a long list of groceries though and we were all exhausted by the time it was over!

An eventful and enjoyable day. Seven kids wasn't so bad today. I think maybe I can do this.

School Registration

We spent the better part of our afternoon getting the girls registered for school. At least we started the process. Turns out the girls have been out of school for over two weeks (thanks group home) and that is going to cause some major issues for Sunshine, our high schooler. She may lose all her credits from this whole semester. We are hoping the school counselor will be able to help her keep at least some. The two younger girls were easier to enroll and we even got a tour of the school. They were blown away by how small it is. What can I say, we are Small Town USA. Ha ha ha! Their reactions were priceless though. Our school actually still uses CHALK BOARDS for heavens sake! They had never seen one! lol They were funny about it though and still seemed excited to start classes.

I have never seen such "make the best of it" attitudes in teenagers before! I am more and more impressed by these girls. I hope things keep going in such a positive direction (I admit there is a deep down part of me that lives in fear of the stereotypical teen rebellion meltdown) and the girls start to feel at home. They spend a lot of time together in their room with the tv, but I expected that and have actually been surprised at how often one or the other will come out and spend some time with us, and how willing they are to be part of family activities. We are slowly getting to know each other. They have also been very open to meeting other members of our extended family and getting to know and hanging out with our teen relatives.

Our two respite kiddos went home today as well. Boy how that has brought a release of tension! They were good kids, but they were a handful. I am happy to be down to seven! I never thought that sentence would come out of my mouth! ha ha ha!

Welcome to Crazy Town

The teenagers have landed! The girls arrived (not on time) yesterday afternoon. They got here about 3pm, and things have been a crazy hubub ever since. They are super sweet girls and have been wonderful so far! They have been/are going through quite a lot, but their attitudes are remarkable. They are positive and friendly and seem intent on making things work for the best. Having three more bodies in the house has made everything a lot crazier. Mealtimes have been intense. I think things will calm down when our two respite kids go home tomorrow. 

It is amazing how much two little ones can stir things up! I thought having another boy for our son to play with would make things easier...I did not count on the jealousy and competition! Oh my! Big Sis has been a bit of sassy handful up until today. We did a small birthday celebration for her last night and since then she has been a lot less defiant and much more cooperative.

Big changes. Hopefully it won't take long to settle into routines.

Let's try this again...

The case manager for the three teen girls called yesterday as expected, and since we hadn't received another placement we said yes to the placement (again). This time we know an exact time they are supposed to arrive (1pm) and who is bringing them (the first cw we spoke to), so I believe there is a far greater likely hood they will actually arrive. Over the weekend they experienced a great personal and tragic loss, so this is going to be even harder going in than we anticipated, which kind of scares the pants off me. It reinforces their need to be here though. They need to be together, and we are the only home where that is an option right now, so I have to put personal feelings and fears aside for now. There is now also a much greater possibility that if everything goes well this will turn out to be a long term placement. Not sure how I feel about that yet. Hubby thinks it is great and is planning for the long haul already. I think he may be a bit relieved to not be back on diaper duty! hahaha! We just got our youngest potty-trained, and I don't think he is ready to be thrown back into diaper land! I think I would rather be in diaper land than teenager land though. I know diaper land...teenager land is unknown and scary! My sisters with teens are laughing their butts off at me and alternately telling me "you can do this" and sharing horror stories that make me want to run and hide. Sisters are the best. hahaha!
We have a few last minute details to (re)iron out before the girls arrive. We need to run and get a few more new pillows because we used a couple for the respite kids (no kid should have to sleep on someone else's who-knows-what-is-on-it pillow!), and we need to move the little ones (respite) into another room. We put them in the spare room we had prepared for the older girls because after all the shenanigans we really thought we wouldn't end up getting the placement after all. So, I need to clean up our youngest child's room and set it up for a couple extras for the next two days.

It's going to be a crazy day followed by more crazy for the next few days for sure!

???

The girls never showed up. There was apparently a communication gap between their first and second caseworkers. So, we have no idea what is actually going to happen with them. The soonest we will here is Monday. So, maybe they will come, maybe they will not. In the meantime our cw passed on a placement for us thinking we were getting these girls. *sigh* So, we don't know what is going to happen in the next few days. We are getting respite kids this afternoon though, so that will keep us busy this week!

All ready, and waiting!

We got up early this morning to start getting things ready for the girls to arrive, and we have kept busy all day long. Beds had to be rearranged to accommodate three kids rather than two, and the room needed to be changed a bit to make it more teenager appropriate rather than little kid friendly. We bought new pillows and bedding sets last night (because who really wants to sleep on someone elses old drooled on pillow?), and rounded up a corkboard (for pictures and other teenage what not) and a couple mirrors. The room is now all set up, the house is clean, and the kids keep asking "When are they getting here?" We just keep telling them we have no idea. They were supposed to be here around 11:30, but that was a guess based on what their cw said last night. It is a three and 1/2 hour drive from their current location to us, and we have no idea when or if they actually headed our way. Our cw hasn't heard a thing, their cw isn't answering the phone. The weather here has been rainy/snowy all afternoon, so we hope they are safe and just taking their time on the road. A phone call would be nice though.

The Crazy has Started

WoW this week turned into a crazy one. To really get it all in the right order and make it make sense I will break it down into how it happened by day. Otherwise it will get all jumbled and make no sense, because that is what my brain feels like right now!
so...Wednesday:
The day started normal, I talked to my cw and let her know there still hadn't been a phone call. She told me that was very strange as the children's cw had seemed very excited about placing the girls in our home. We talked a bit and decided that she would contact the other cw again, but she would let him know that should another call for a placement come in I would take it.  Turns out the agency policy is "no holding". I guess too many times in the past a family has agreed to take a placement, then not heard from the placing cw for days but still held the spot passing on other placements, only to learn the child/children had been placed somewhere else. SO, they now advise their families to give take any other placements that come along while they are waiting to hear from a caseworker. I was relieved as this gave me a specific game plan and took a lot of guesswork out of the equation.
Then my day went sideways a bit. My preschooler will be starting kindergarten next year, and her headstart had organized a kindergarten preview for around noon on Wednesday. We all met at the elementary school, had a short tour, and then ended up in the kindergarten classrooms to let the kids explore and meet the teachers. Just as we were readying to leave...the school went on lockdown. Scariest. Thing. Ever. In the end the lockdown was precautionary (police action at a nearby home that could have posed a real threat to the kids if things had gone badly) and no one was in real danger. At the moment though, sitting in that room in the dark huddled on the floor with my two smallest, surrounded by kindergarteners, not knowing what was going on outside or where my two other children were inside the school...I was terrified. Up side? Now I know exactly how our school handles a lockdown from the inside. Afterwards I had to calm down my thirdgrader and then leave her with a trusted teacher for the remainder of her lunch time as she didn't feel safe going outside or being alone. I left the school near tears, but I know my daughter and if I had taken her home sending her to school the next day would have been a terrible drama. I went through the rest of the day with heightened feelings. In the evening I got another call. This was another foster parent looking for respite. With a possible impending placement I gave her a maybe, then called my cw again because we still had gotten no call. She advised me to take the respite placement (one to two childeren for 5 days). She said we could also still take the other placement if their cw ever did call. We felt it was unlikely I would end up with all of the kids at once, but she said it wouldn't be against regulations if we did. So I committed to the respite care.

Then Thursday came...
Our dog had been missing since Monday night and we had started to worry. I called animal control. They had found him, but the news was bad. He had been hit by a car and was dead. We picked our older two girls up from school and told them the news, then took them to lunch. We were all broken hearted. Then, around 2pm we finally got the phone call we had been waiting for. The cw wanted to place the girls in our home, and they would be on the way IN THE MORNING. Agh! We kicked into crazy mode and made plans for a run to walmart to get all the last little things we needed to make the girls comfortable. The day left us in a crazy emotional turmoil.

So that brings us to today. My family is waking up and it is time to get busy getting the house in order and organizing the stuff we bought last night. The girls should be arriving around noon today and I want them to feel welcome and comfortable rather than stepping into chaos. We will see how that goes! hahaha! We won't get the respite kids until Sunday, so we will have a couple days to settle in first. Then Monday I get to start dealing with our local high school and junior high getting everyone into their proper classes. I feel like I am about to go on a roller coaster ride...we are locked in and the carriage is picking up speed, about to go up over the first hill!! Wheeeeeee!! It is going to be crazy!!

Caseworker Malfunction

The phone call we were supposed to get today never came...again. Apparently this caseworker is not really very enthusiastic about getting these girls placed in our home. So, everything is still up in the air, for now at least. One more day of just us...and I have to admit I am a little more relieved than disappointed. It just means more time to get it all together before jumping into the chaos. We will see what tomorrow brings.

Nothing is ever what you expected

Our caseworker finally called back. She had been gathering information for us, so while we never did get the call from the other caseworker we now have the information we needed to make a decision. What a hard decision it turned out to be!! Not for the reasons we expected it might be though. Initially we were told the girls were all under 14yrs old. So, in all the scenerios that ran through our heads and filled our discussions we pictured one teenager and a couple girls around our oldest girls ages. NOPE. That is not the case. At all. The girls are ALL teenagers. The oldest is sixteen. Such a different picture!! The rest of the info was all good; teachers rave about them all. Good students. Well adjusted. Not that their history is all peaches and roses (if that was the case they would not be in care at all), but all things considered they seem to be good kids. The huge catch is the idea of taking on THREE teenage girls all at once. I will freely admit that the idea scares the pants off me. While I have some wonderful teenage nieces and nephews I have no practical parenting experience in this area. After lots of prayers and a long phone call with hubby debating pros and cons and weighing feelings and fears we have decided to say yes to a temporary placement. We just cannot let them be separated into shelters when they can be here together. I admit, I have a soft spot for sisters. I was told the goal of their cw is to find a home for them in their home area (we are hours away) where they can all be together, so he will continue to search for a placement for them there. So, unless things go particularly well here the placement should only be for awhile. Of course in CPS terms "awhile" can be anywhere from days to forever. Literally. SO...here is to starting the scariest adventure of my life...jumping feet first into the deep end of parenting teens. Any and all prayers will be tremendously appreciated.

This is just how it goes

The call that was supposed to come today to determine whether or not our big life changing placement was going to happen...never came. Just...didn't happen. Not sure why, not sure what it means. I sent a text to our cw just after noon asking if she knew what was up or when the call might come, but she didn't. She did say she would call the placement line, but then she never got back to me. Now she isn't answering her phone either. I could sit and contemplate all the things the lack of phone call could mean (they found family/another placement, caseworker is busy with another emergency, they don't feel we are a good "fit", etc.), but honestly that won't do much good. This is just how the system works sometimes. Chances are I will get a surprise call after hours or sometime tomorrow asking if we are still interested...or they will wait days to call and tell me they don't need us. *sigh* The joys of a system that fails to appreciate how hard it is to just NOT KNOW. Anything. I don't really need to make plans for the next week or so, right?

Possible placement!

Just got a call tonight from our cw about a possible placement! Not many details yet as they were just calling to see if we were even open to the possibility...of taking 3 kids!!! It is a sibling group of sisters that are currently all in separate homes. The powers that be are really wanting to get them together in one home and our cw thought we might be willing. Without more details all we could say was we would be open to the possibility, but that was all she was looking for tonight. It would mean expanding our license for three instead of two, which she said wouldn't be a problem.  The real question is if we would be able to handle taking on three all at once. That question is really hard to answer without more information than we have right now, so...we will be getting a call from the girls' caseworker on Monday. She will be able to give us more details and answer any questions and we will decide together if it will be a good fit. What a crazy thought though...within a few days our family could go from four to SEVEN kids! Just the idea is a bit overwhelming! We will be doing a lot of discussing and praying tomorrow.

waiting for a call...

This has to be one of the hardest types of "waiting" involved in foster care. Up until now we have been waiting on paperwork, waiting on people, waiting on processing, etc.  Now we are waiting for a placement. Here we are, all ready and waiting and super excited to welcome a child into our home! My kids ask at least once a day when we are going to get foster kids!

Which in all reality means we are waiting for a child to be yanked out of their home and everything they know.  It is impossible to actually want that kind of trauma for a child. On the other side, it is also impossible to want a child to stay in a place where they are being hurt or put in danger. So, you deal with this strange, impossible mix of emotions while you constantly watch your phone both dreading and hoping it will ring.  Hoping to get a call asking you to take a precious little one, dreading the thought of the pain and confusion you will see in the child they bring to your door. Not to mention the upheaval that will come to the entire household when you introduce a new person into the family dynamic, especially one dealing with trauma. This part is HARD! Even if you have a sweet, quiet, well behaved child there will still be very difficult transitions and frustration as you merge into a new type of family.

 When we did this last time, I have to say I was blissfully ignorant and blind to much of the pain of the tiny people we cared for.  Most of our placements were infants and toddlers that we just assumed were little enough and "flexible" enough to not understand what was going on, and we assumed that not understanding meant they weren't traumatized by it. Really?? Naivete at its finest.  (That really was the pinnacle of naivete, because honestly the not understanding has got to be the worst part of all for these little guys!) This time we are going in with a lot better education and a lot more understanding. Which brings the conflict of emotions that currently make my heart jump into my throat or plummet into my stomach every time the phone rings. It takes awhile for my racing heart to calm, and I am sure everyone who calls wonders why I answer their call a bit breathless and somewhat shakily. I have to say the odd combination of disappointment and relief once I see the caller ID has an odd affect on my body, not to mention the surge of adrenaline when I see an unknown number!  (I am not sure yet who exactly will be calling with a placement; our caseworker, the child's, or the "placement coordinator" whose list we were told we would be placed on. Last go round we had placement calls come from any of the above.)

So, we are excited. We are hopeful. I am also scared, worried, and anxious. I also have faith that the Lord called us to foster care and He will be there to help us through all the bumps and bruises that will come with it.

It's Official!

We received the email this morning...we are licensed!! :) Our cw called to congratulate us and let us know she is getting us put on the placement roster today, so we can start receiving kids right away. Now we just have to wait for the first placement call! :)

Another information request

We got another email from the OLCR this afternoon, with a request for MORE information. I called our cw and read her the email (she was away from her office) and she laughed a bit and told me how she had already included all the information requested. I remember her asking me all the questions and having an entire conversation around it as well. Apparently there are a few folks at the licensing office who are not thorough readers. All in all, we did have to provide a new copy of our car registration and insurance again as both had expired and been renewed since she had first collected copies, but other than that she had everything she needed to take care of the request. She promised to resend all the information this evening and predicted we will have our license by tomorrow or the day after. I will not hold my breath, but I will keep my fingers crossed.

waiting again

We our still waiting on our license to be issued. We attended a foster parent appreciation event put on by our agency last Saturday (SO much fun, and so very much appreciated!) and were able to visit with our worker for a bit. She told us she had received the anticipated email from the OLCR requesting "additional information" and had submitted the information asked for, so our license should be completed within a few days. We still have yet to hear from the OLCR though, and that was over a week ago. Of course we have to figure in actual "working business days", which means they have only had about four working days so we aren't out of the realm of "a few days" by much yet.  It just seems to be so much longer! Waiting is hard!

Moving Forward

Our licensing request has officially been submitted! Our worker says we should have our license by the end of the week! Yay! We are really excited, and a bit nervous. 

To emphasize just how real it is, we already had our first placement call.  Our agency is frantically trying to find a potential adoptive placement for a 14yr old girl, and our worker thought we might be open to the placement (she would not have been placed until after our license was officially issued). This is where all the stuff I have learned over the past few months from all the foster and adoption blogs I have been reading really payed off. 
I started asking all the questions I never knew I could ask before, like:

• What is her history? 
• Where is the bio family and does she have contact/visitation? 
• Are there behavioral/aggression issues? 
• Is she ok with younger kids? 
• Why is she being moved from her current placement? 

There were a few additional questions that came up through the answers to the first ones as well and I got more information than I would ever have expected.  We kept our minds open despite some behavioral issues that gave us pause, determined to not say "no" until we had a chance to reflect, discuss, and pray about if these were issues we could handle. Honestly, most of the issues are exactly what you would expect to see from a 14yr old child from a difficult background. Definitely a child from "hard places".  In the end we didn't need to give a yes or no answer. Through the process of asking all the right questions her caseworker contacted the current foster mother to ask if having younger children in the home might be an issue. Turns out, that would be a very big issue. A few other things came to light, and her worker decided our home would not be a good fit (she was worried about situations that could be dangerous to our young children).
SO, what is my point in writing about all this? If we hadn't asked the right questions and really taken an honest look at what we could or couldn't handle we might have ended up agreeing to a placement that could have been very damaging to not only our family, but to this young girl as well. She wants desperately to be adopted, and bringing her into our home and then having things go badly would have been crushing to her.

It was a crazy few hours of back and forth phone calls, and left us feeling a bit overwhelmed, but excited for the future. This girls caseworker also says she has another 14yr old girl she wants us to consider once our license is official, so we will be expecting another call from her. We will approach that potential placement in the same way. I know most of these kids come with some hard issues, and we are willing to face those issues and do what we can to help the kids overcome them, but we would rather be prepared before hand than blindsided later. There will always be surprises, but the more we know ahead of placement the easier it will be to deal with the unexpected.

Other exciting events in our home right now: We got a much bigger than expected tax return (an answer to prayers!!), and our 3yr old decided yesterday that he was ready to potty train! We have had only four accidents in two days! We are so proud, and very happy to be done with diapers.  It has been an exciting day for sure.  Parenting means celebrating the small stuff! hahaha!

File found!

On Monday I got the call I was hoping for from the supervisor at our old licensing agency! She had our file on her desk and she quickly emailed me the documentation I needed. I was able to forward it on to our caseworker, who was very happy to receive it. We should be all set to move forward with our license now! Sooooo excited!

Got a Crib!

That is the extent of progress towards our license right now: We got a crib. I found one second hand at a price we could afford, which meets all the requirements. Which is important, but really...shouldn't we be done by now?! We are still waiting for our old licensing agency to send our new licensing agency our file. Which only highlights exactly why we are switching agencies. (I do have to say though, that all three of our licensing workers at our old agency were great, they really were! They have ALL left said agency though, which is why we went through three in three years, and again highlights why we switched.) So, on Thursday our LW called me and asked me to please call the supervisor that is in charge of handling agency changes at our old agency. She has spoken to the supervisor a few times, and keeps getting told they are "working on it" and that our file is archived and it "takes awhile" to pull it out of archives (My worker and I are in agreement that six weeks is more than "awhile" and more than adequate time). We are hoping that hearing from me personally will prompt her to hurry things along a bit.  It's only a slender hope, but it's all we've got. So, since I called on Friday and left her a message (because of course I couldn't get hold of her personally), I am hoping for a return call today, or even a small miracle (I do believe in those!) and have her actually find the file and maybe even put it in the mail! A girl can dream, can't she? 

delays...

I haven't heard from our worker in awhile and I am wondering if we have hit another snag. Our training certificates have to be in our old agency file or we will probably end up having to complete more training. Ugh! Our worker probably hasn't gotten the files from our old agency yet, thus the lack of communication, but the waiting is driving me bonkers! I am thinking I may give her a call today and see if she has received the file.

My other current licensing delay: I have to find a crib. I was told that in order to be licensed for infants we now have to have an actual crib. Not a bassinet or a pack-n-play, as those are now considered temporary beds by CPS. Which makes me shake my head, because when we did foster care previously we had two different infant placements, both of whom slept in the pack-n-play bassinet. My last two bio children never slept in anything but a pack-n-play when they were infants! They all started out in the bassinet, then when they could sit up we removed the bassinet and they slept in the pack-n-play itself.  We have to play by the new rules though, so now I am on the hunt for a baby crib. The frustrating part is finding a decent crib at a low budget price. We don't have the money to put into a brand new crib right now, so I am on the lookout for a second hand one. We live in a small area though, so finding one is proving to be tricky. As soon as one is posted for sale at a decent price on any website it is snatched up. Hopefully my timing improves and I will grab a good one soon.

Ready and Watiting...

We are in a holding pattern. We have completed all our paperwork, had our inspection, done our interviews, supplied references and all "additional information" requested, yet our license has yet to be submitted to the OLCR (the state agency that actually issues the license). The hold up is all about our training. We somehow ended up with no documentation of the training we completed the first time we were licensed. We remember getting certificates, but we can't find them, and our original agency is dragging their feet on supplying our new agency with our file. The file is required to have that documentation, so as soon as our worker gets her hands on the file we should be good to go.  We hope. *sigh*

Getting started...all over again.

We are on the brink of being officially licensed for foster care...again. We actually started this journey eight years ago when we became foster parents for the first time.
It had been a dream of my husbands to be a foster parent ever since he became friends with a foster child who had been adopted by her foster family. He got to see first hand how they changed her life, and he wanted to be that family for someone else. He is amazing like that. I however wasn't excited about the idea...or even interested...at all. I was one of those people who believed all the horror stories and all the myths about why you should never, ever, consider foster care. THEN, one day shortly after the birth of our second little girl (2 babies in two years!) we started talking about adoption. Now, this had always been my dream. I wanted to adopt internationally. I had this dream for as long as I can remember. I am not even sure where the idea came from originally. I just knew it would be awesome! Oh, the idealism!  So, we started researching, and soon discovered that financially this was not going to be an option for quite some time to come, if ever. That is when my wonderful husband brought up foster care. He convinced me to at least look into it. So I did. That is when I realized just how many children there are out there that need good homes! So many just waiting for a family! My heart broke, and it changed. I was on board! We decided our next child would come to our family through foster care adoption. We contacted an agency and we began our paperwork. Our licensing worker was astounded at how fast we got things done! We had our license in a record breaking 2 months! At the time I did not fully appreciate her amazement, now I realize how truly blessed we were to have her working so hard for us and just how crazy-fast it really was! As we had two very small little ones (1 1/2 and 6mos) to consider, we initially were licensed for 0-5yr old children. It took almost two months after our license was done before we got our first phone call (we were later told that no one knew we were ready!).  We had our first placement, and the adventure was on! The next three years were a roller coaster ride. We had 10 children come through our home from 8 different placements (2 sibling sets), and eventually expanded out license so we could take older girls.  We dealt with prenatal drug exposure, fetal alcohol syndrome, developmental delays, seizures, behavioral issues, ICWA (Indian Child Welfare Act), system failures, and all the other "joys" of being a foster parent, as well as the crushing sadness of the death of one of our children who had returned home to her family. We also got see some reunification successes, watch delayed children make huge strides to exceed expectations, and know that we played a part in giving these little ones a better start. Although our original goal was adoption we never did have the opportunity to adopt any of the children we cared for, and so when we found out we were expecting our third biological child we decided to take a break for awhile. Our young family had been through a lot of ups and downs and we felt like we needed to take a step back and focus on our little ones.

We always expected to come back to foster care, when the time was right. A while back we started feeling that the Lord was telling us it was time. So we started the process, only to be stalled when my dear husband's employment ran out. So we waited until we were once again employed. Only to stall out once more due to the restrictions of his schedule vs. training.  We started again, only to have our worker leave our agency for other employment and the new case manager was super unhelpful and had no clue how to re-license us, so she wanted us to start all over from scratch which meant NONE of our past training would be counted and we would have to attend 10 weeks of scheduled classes! So...we tried another agency. Thank heavens we did!! We got a case manager who knew exactly what to do and got us moving right away, with half the training hours! We are now only days away from submitting our homestudy! Whew! It has been crazy!

As for this new little blog out here in the blog-o-sphere...There has been a persistent niggling in the back of my mind for weeks now, telling me I should blog about our journey. I have learned not to ignore persistent niggles, so here I am, documenting the craziness! Good luck to us!