We are approaching the anniversary of the death of our girls' bio mom next month. It is also the anniversary of their arrival in our home. Her birthday is also at the beginning of next month. There are lots of really big emotions connected to these days and they are already starting to surface.
Bella was in tears the other night just thinking about her Mom's upcoming birthday. We had been making plans for special family visits and discussing how everyone would observe/handle/survive those days. We also talked about expecting all three of them to be emotional throughout the coming weeks and trying to be patient with each other. It was a good opportunity to get things in the open and make sure the girls understood that it is normal for this to be a difficult time for them, and to let them know that we understand that too. Afterwards though Bella broke down in tears. I held her while she cried for a bit, then had her call and talk to her aunt for awhile (I think sometimes it is easier to grieve with someone who also knew your loved one).
March is going to be a rough month one way or another. What I didn't expect (but really should have - it is only logical) is how early in February we would start seeing the emotions rise. Here at home it has been mostly calm; just some snippiness, some tears, and a bit of withdrawing. Nothing too intense.
The girls had a visit this past weekend with their family though, and apparently things got rough down there. They were supposed to have a visit with their dad at the normal place (midway between here and his home), but he didn't show up. (This is a first, and we still don't know why yet.) So, the girls went ahead to their aunt's home and spent the weekend there. The next night I got a phone call from Bee at her wits end. She was upset and trying to be calm but Bella was lashing out with some pretty bad behavior. No one knew what to make of it, where it was coming from, or how to deal with it. It was very out of character and out of the blue. So Bee and I had a talk about Bella's big emotions and how much she was hurting inside. We talked about how she was already having a hard time with their Mom's birthday coming up and then having their dad no show for his visit probably hurt really bad and made everything worse. We talked about a few other things probably adding to her emotional state and that she was probably lashing out to try and make everyone else hurt as much as she was hurting. Bee seemed to understand better after that and I encouraged her to just love her through it even though it is hard and not fair. We hung up soon after that and I worried for the next couple days about what we would be dealing with when they came home!
They came home tired, quiet, and a bit withdrawn, but that only lasted for a little while. Soon they were back to my normal chatty girls and I was grateful but a bit at a loss. Bee filled me in the next evening when she came and found me sorting outgrown clothes in my little one's room. I was paid a very unexpected and humbling compliment. After she spoke to me on the phone she shared what I had said with her aunt and she said "Oh! That makes so much sense!" Bella said she decided to not make a big deal out of it, and was able to handle Bella much better afterward. (Sometimes just understanding where someone is coming from makes it so much easier to deal with them compassionately!) Bella also told me that when her aunt was having a hard time dealing with her own little girl Bella told her how when my little ones keep being naughty I will put them in my lap and just hold them and tell them I love them "and it works!" I was floored. I didn't realize I did that, and I didn't realize she was paying so much attention to my parenting. It was super humbling. What was even more humbling was when she told me her aunt tried it! To think that another mother may use something I do to help her in her parenting is very humbling.
Ripples...the things these girls learn here in our home are rippling outward and it is amazing.
Wednesday, February 11, 2015
Monday, February 9, 2015
Moving Forward
I got a call from the girls' caseworker the other day, letting me know they will be getting a new caseworker soon.
The girls' "Aunt" (bio Mom's BFF) is almost done with her homestudy and should be licensed within the next couple weeks. This means that they will be moving into a permanent home, so their case is being transferred to the "permanency" division of DCS, which means they get a new caseworker.
Ms CW also told me that she was unaware that the girls were wanting to stay with us until the end of the school year. She thought they would be moving to their Aunt's home as soon as she was licensed (this month). I do not know HOW she missed this. When I mentioned this to the girls they all three laughed and said the same thing - "How did she miss that!?" I have mentioned it to her multiple times, they have talked to her about it multiple times, and we have discussed it at CFTs multiple times! *sigh* I don't know. Maybe she just never wrote it down. Hopefully she has now "officially" put it in their file for the new caseworker.
As far as their permanency plan, I believe the case is moving toward TPR (termination of parental rights) for their dad, so that their aunt can officially adopt them. At least that is what I have been told. I don't know what this change will mean for us, other than a new person to work with.
When they will leave has become strange and somewhat complicated though.
Bella is the simple one and will be leaving within a week or two of school getting out. She wants to stay long enough to participate in a few last youth activities that are planned for the first week of June and spend some time with her friends before she leaves.
Bee is still working toward moving in with a local family she has become close to. Things are moving slowly in that direction though and I am not sure what may happen. She may stay with us a bit longer, but so many things are uncertain that at this point any thing could happen. The only thing that we know for sure is she has expressed her desire to stay here, in town. She is clear that while she loves her family she does not want to live with them. She has very wise and valid reasoning that led her to her decision (all on her own). I hope her new caseworker will respect her desires if at all possible.
Sunshine is also a bit of a wild card at the moment. She wants to go to her aunt, but she also wants to stay here where she is happy and has friends. She hasn't made a firm choice yet, but is leaning towards going with Bella. She has a job opportunity for the summer that would require her to stay here though and she quickly decided she wants to stay and work. SO, most likely (pending approval from her new CW) she will stay through the summer, then go to her aunt in the fall. Since her case plan is Independent Living, and separate from her sisters she will probably be able to make the decision on her own.
Things could change at any time, but this is where they stand at the moment. It is with a strange mix of emotions we are planning the coming year. The girls have been with us almost a year now, and it is strange to think about a time coming when they are gone. When I think about it my emotions are a total jumble. It has been a rough and joyful year.
The girls' "Aunt" (bio Mom's BFF) is almost done with her homestudy and should be licensed within the next couple weeks. This means that they will be moving into a permanent home, so their case is being transferred to the "permanency" division of DCS, which means they get a new caseworker.
Ms CW also told me that she was unaware that the girls were wanting to stay with us until the end of the school year. She thought they would be moving to their Aunt's home as soon as she was licensed (this month). I do not know HOW she missed this. When I mentioned this to the girls they all three laughed and said the same thing - "How did she miss that!?" I have mentioned it to her multiple times, they have talked to her about it multiple times, and we have discussed it at CFTs multiple times! *sigh* I don't know. Maybe she just never wrote it down. Hopefully she has now "officially" put it in their file for the new caseworker.
As far as their permanency plan, I believe the case is moving toward TPR (termination of parental rights) for their dad, so that their aunt can officially adopt them. At least that is what I have been told. I don't know what this change will mean for us, other than a new person to work with.
When they will leave has become strange and somewhat complicated though.
Bella is the simple one and will be leaving within a week or two of school getting out. She wants to stay long enough to participate in a few last youth activities that are planned for the first week of June and spend some time with her friends before she leaves.
Bee is still working toward moving in with a local family she has become close to. Things are moving slowly in that direction though and I am not sure what may happen. She may stay with us a bit longer, but so many things are uncertain that at this point any thing could happen. The only thing that we know for sure is she has expressed her desire to stay here, in town. She is clear that while she loves her family she does not want to live with them. She has very wise and valid reasoning that led her to her decision (all on her own). I hope her new caseworker will respect her desires if at all possible.
Sunshine is also a bit of a wild card at the moment. She wants to go to her aunt, but she also wants to stay here where she is happy and has friends. She hasn't made a firm choice yet, but is leaning towards going with Bella. She has a job opportunity for the summer that would require her to stay here though and she quickly decided she wants to stay and work. SO, most likely (pending approval from her new CW) she will stay through the summer, then go to her aunt in the fall. Since her case plan is Independent Living, and separate from her sisters she will probably be able to make the decision on her own.
Things could change at any time, but this is where they stand at the moment. It is with a strange mix of emotions we are planning the coming year. The girls have been with us almost a year now, and it is strange to think about a time coming when they are gone. When I think about it my emotions are a total jumble. It has been a rough and joyful year.
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