Birthdays in Foster care

We have one birthday down this month and one to go.  So, I am going to take a minute and talk about birthdays for foster kids.

Because birthdays are tricky in foster care.

You never know what is going to happen.

That kid that seems so excited to celebrate may suddenly beg to cancel their party when the grief of spending it away from their birth family hits them. A previously cheerful child may become withdrawn and depressed as a birthday approaches. Your timid and shy child may blossom and glow under the attention and recognition they never before recieved, or they may run and hide and become angry that you are the one who is giving them what they always wanted from their birth parents. There can be laughter, but there will usually also be tears. A birthday is a day of celebration, but it can also be a reminder of loss. I am not saying birthdays shouldn't be celebrated in foster care. They most certainly should be celebrated. It is something that should be approached with sensitivity, compassion, and understanding though.

When planning a party for a foster child, you should always involve the child. Find out what their expectations are and discuss realistically what you can or are willing to provide (some kids will ask for the moon, but settle for ice cream if you explain your budget limitations - other kids will be surprised and thrilled they get their very own party/cake/gifts). Include them in your family's birthday traditions, and ask them if they have any birthday traditions they would like to observe. Be considerate of your child's comfort level; If they get overwhelmed by crowds, keep the party small. If they are nervous around unfamiliar people, only invite family and close friends whom they know well. If they are easily overstimulated, keep decorations, invites, and number of gifts minimal. Plan around your child, and remember this is about them, not showing the world what a great parent you are by throwing an amazing shindig. (honestly this is something I have to remind myself with all my kids' parties. No one is judging! ok...some people are, but why do we care?) If a party isn't in the cards there are many other ways to acknowledge a birthday and make your child feel special; make a special birthday meal (any meal will do! Birthday breakfasts are a huge tradition for many families, but a one-on-one lunch will make any kid feel special and a kid-picked dinner is always a hit.), go on a special outing as a family or as a "date" with just the birthday child, make the child king/queen for the day, etc, etc.

It doesn't really matter what you do, as long as you make your foster child feel special and loved and make sure they know their existence is a reason to celebrate! Respect any feelings of sadness or loss, but encourage (not force) them to celebrate their special day in whatever way is comfortable for them.

Multiple times I have seen a birthday celebration be a turning point or huge leap forward in my relationships with my foster children. This is a chance to show them you care! It doesn't take a lot of money, just some time and maybe a little sacrifice. It is worth whatever you put into it 100x over.